Yo mama is so ugly that your father takes her to work so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye... Yo mama is so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested for disturbing the peace... Yo mama is so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund... Yo mama is so stupid she sold her car for gas money... Yo mama is so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order... Yo mama is so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes... Yo mama is so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone... Yo mama is so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up... ---- Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." ---- Dear Son, I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas Family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since. The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother ... Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down. There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. I have also had all my teeth taken out and a new fireplace put in.. Speak to you soon. Love, Mom P.S. I was thinking of sending you $20 but I had already sealed the envelope. ---- Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, The whole damn family was drunk as a louse. Grandpa and Grandma were singing a song, and the kid was in bed, flogging his dong. Ma home from the cathouse, and I out of jail, Had just settled down for a good piece of tail. When out on the lawn, there rose such a clatter, I jumped off of Ma to see what was the matter. Away to the window I made a mad dash, Threw open the window and fell out on my ass. And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer. With a little old driver holding his prick, I knew in a moment that bastard was Nick. Slower than snails, his chargers they came, He bitched and he swore as he called them by name. "Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls, Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your balls. Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell, And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. He staggered and stumbled and went to the door, He tripped on his cock and fell to the floor. I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Piss on you all, it’s a hell of a night." ---- Women's English Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important Men's English I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice tits! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = We'd better have sex now! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home 'cause the game's on.
Some of the ones I heard.. Yo mama's so infected that her crabs had to issue an eviction notice for her fingers. Yo mama's so black she pisses like a squid. Yo mama's so black and ugly that a Klansman OFFERED his hood for her to wear. Yo mama's so fat that one guy impregnated her stomach fold. Yo mama's so old that when I offered her some Chapstick, she lifted her skirt. Yo mama's breath is so bad that the doctor put a suppository in her mouth, and a breath mint in her ass. (There was a million more...mostly from middle school, as you could guess)
