Why am I so angry, Barry?

Discussion in 'Medical Advice' started by smurfslappa, Oct 24, 2006.

  1. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    It wasn't until recently that I started getting so angry. I have this extraordinary opportunity set before me Barry. I think I have an opportunity to serve those who serve others.

    Not too long ago I was contacted for the first time on the internet Barry. Remember that little story I wrote not too long ago? I've been philosophizing about the whole God/science/creation thing for quite some time now and I've been wondering about my role in it all.

    There's been quite time and effort put into me for quite some time now. People I'll meet on the street, people on the bus, people at my work. It's a funny kind of subtle messing-with-my-mind experience. Sometimes it's quite obvious that the words they are saying are meant for me to here.

    Just recently I was holding a job at the state hospital and they were talking directly to me, through the people who worked there. I recognized some of the people who worked there. One guy I know for sure was a nurse for me when I was getting my appendix taken out, while two others I'm also pretty sure were taking care of me then.

    I started my training at the state hospital on September 1st and many of the topics we discussed paralleled my own life, many of the things we "trained" for were ideas that I had going on about my own role in the world.

    My first day on the unit I had this crazy notion that I had to be nuked to vaporize my body and return it to spirit form. I believed that I had to not see it coming to lower my defenses because if I felt that startle when it happened that my spirit would die. Many of the patients on the ward seemed to already know this, and one guy walked up to another pregnant nurse and asked her, "how far along are you?" She said, "4 months," to which he replied, "you oughta start working out now before you blow up."

    Other people on the buses admitted to being angels, holding conversations with me. Some of my friends seem to know what is going on but they also don't talk to me anymore. I find myself with too much damn time on my hands, wracked with boredom. I'm lazy, going crazy because I don't know what the hell is happening. My parents go from nearly admitting to me that they know I'm not crazy to pretending they don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

    I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm angry that I was such a beautiful child. I drove my 3-wheeler faster than my 10 year old brother when I was 4 and with better control. I had so much potential and creativity, but an unfortunate series of events in my life really piss me off and now I think I can really blame God for them.

    I used to look at people who blamed God for certain events in their life and say to myself, "coincidences, get over it." But with all this attention being paid to me it makes me think that my life was scripted.

    I was molested when I was 4 which turned me into a masturbating zombie. Because I was molested my dad didn't want to tell my mother (who he was separated from) and my good times with my brother and entire family over there and my love for my girlfriend Autumn were quickly over. I was torn away from my mom because my dad somehow won custody of me. My dad didn't want another babysitter so he bought a Nintendo that turned me into a zombie in front of the TV.

    At the school I was attending I tried to "touch" another girl so I got kicked out and never saw any of my friends again. My life is miserable now because I'm indeed finding a receding hairline and the tender age of 22. I'm angry that life kicked my ass. I'm angry that life sucks so bad right now.

    Why do I believe in the End of the World so much Barry? Because I need it. I want all this crap to end because if this end of the world crap wasn't happening I would probably end my own world. I want to have kids, a nice life, free from all this damning memories of what could have been but wasn't. I know a lot of people probably feel that way, blaming God.

    I don't know what's so special about me that I'm getting all this attention. I wonder if I'm God himself, if not a god. What happens when God has lived a nice long life and he wants to forget his own pain and sorrows, too? What makes a god a god? Is it because they know how to control their emotions?

    I don't know. I'm just pissed off right now.
     
  2. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    I went back and read through my story and it sounds like the ramblings of a mad man. Let me clarify a little bit.

    I got to thinking I was Jesus for a little bit. I was sitting in my backyard praying to God, "Let me face my greatest fear, because I know I need to in order to do what I need to do." A couple days later I woke up with the idea in my mind, "I am the I Am." That is, I am the Universe.

    I got this idea that when God has created everything there is to create, when he feels his life no longer has a purpose, he gets depressed. In order to pull Him out of that depression he has his loyal subjects protect the world for him while he's gone. He calls forth a giant planet like Venus and it blows up all the worlds except for his first, Earth.

    His loyal subjects keep the realm of fantasy alive for him while he is gone, and they make wars, draw comic books, have movies and come up with ideas like Christmas. They keep the world as happy as possible for as long as possible.

    I felt that this was my dream. To be Jesus, to save the world, and to rule over the Earth forever and ever. How would a man of steel see the world? He would probably be able to see the matrix that holds it together. The light shining in his eyes would look different to him.

    Why would the Antichrist ban gold in the last days? Because gold is the best conductor. What was the capstone that was on the Great Pyramid but is now missing made of? Gold.

    When I woke up that morning with the idea, "I am the I Am," I felt despondent. A homeless man at the bus stop started yelling at me that demons speak to us, that they can get inside your head. I told him I needed to figure this out on my own. Another homeless man told me to read the Bible, and tried to have me read some passages.

    By the time I got to ASH (Austin State Hospital) I believed that I had to be a child again in order to not die of shock when I saw the Matrix that was our world. I believed that the memories I had in these last days would stick with me into my next life, so what I did in these last days would be important.

    You know how the ark of the covenant was made of gold? I believed noah's ark was like the same thing. I believed some specially-trained priests would be remote-viewing and following me, working with my subconscious mind to help me imagine and create these animals. I thought I would work with them as this wonderful, 2-month old, boy of steel.

    I had some pretty cool dreams, too. One was where I had a two-month old little brother who could walk and talk. I wanted to show him off to people but when I tried he got scared and ran away. I felt like I let my parents down because they were old and I was the only one who could keep an eye on him. I had this dream the day after I prayed to God to deflate the big head I was getting.

    Anyways, back to ASH. I was taking a computer skills test and a bunch of people started to gather behind me. They started helping me take my test. They were whispering answers to me and getting crazy with it. Then everybody would bust out laughing for no reason and we were having a good ol' time. This is how I thought the little boy of steel would create.

    Anyways, it's been a crazy past few months. I'm not crazy though, these people are for real.
     
  3. ucicare

    ucicare Active Member

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    5,606
    Please Smurf - Find a Doctor you can trust and let him start you on a low does of Abilify. You have got to take care of yourself before your brain gets so far damaged that nothing will help.


    I will make you a deal Smurf. Get in your car and drive to Mobile Alabama. Walk in my office. I will let you sleep on the floor if necessary. I will feed you. We will get you started on the right track. When you feel better, you can go back home. I am not kidding.

    PM me if you want my phone number.


    Barry
     
  4. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    Sorry Barry, sometimes I ramble and mainly that's because it's hard for me to convey my point of view. It took me a long time to get this tangled web of ideas into a working, flowing model. Science, religion, history: it all finally fits.



    The big unifying force which holds all things together is the ether. It flows through some things better than others, but there's a reason why we all love our gold.

    Anyways, I wish I could give you a peek into my mind. I've been seeing this big sweeping event coming for quite some time. I've been screaming to the high mountains about it because I was so worried about what would happen when it finally got here.

    I was groundless, there was so much I didn't know. These people trying to get me grounded - my parents, strangers, people at my places of work - they let me know that the hour is extremely nigh.

    They've also kicked my right-brain into high gear as I've been imagining how all this is going to work. I've been wondering so much, and I see that they've given me all the information I would need to figure it out. Movies I've watched, information I've absorbed over the internet, people speaking around me; they've all contributed to what I know so that I could figure it all out on my own.

    It's easier to trust someone and come to your own conclusions when you've educated yourself and you know that everything you know is common knowledge one way or the other. It's easier to ground yourself.

    I'm sorry I got you all worked up, but something I realize is that God never really left our planet. There's a fine line that is walked, of course, but something people always need is something to believe in. They need their dreams, and the artists and thinkers who came up with Christmas and our fables are the unsung heroes of our age.

    I'm not crazy Barry, but I really appreciate the offer to have a place to crash and collect myself. We will see some amazing things in our lifetime Barry, don't you forget it. Maybe I'll even stop by Mobile some time. Time will tell.
     
  5. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    Barry's not a counselor. He's a drug pusher. Once you go down that road, you might never be able to sort yourself.
     
  6. phatboy

    phatboy New Member

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    So, Nursey, what do you think of Smurf's ramblings? He needs help. If he has a chemical imbalance it will take chemicals to get it straightened out. In the past people who had issues like this got lobotomies. Usually at their parents request.
     
  7. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    Uncanny!

    Idle minds make gossip. Or drive themselves crazy. You seem to have a lot of mental power which is needing a positive - 'normal' - route out. Otherwise you can work yourself into a knot.

    Do not adjust your set. You are currently experiencing youth.

    They probably really don't. They might be quietly concerned for you.

    Hey, join the club. But i've learned there's no point in 'blaming God'. Everything happens for a reason, and there's a lesson about ourselves to be learned from all the trials we are confronted with. We are presented with what we need to grow, and sometimes we get a bit stuck.

    I think it's like that for us all really, though not everyone is 'tuned in' enough to notice. Sometimes we start to see aspects of ourselves in archetypal form. It's nothing abnormal, just different levels of our psyche expressing itself. We interpret our experiences on deeper levels than just intellectually. Art is an example of that.

    We're all thpecial.

    We've all got the potential to be 'Jesus consciousness' or 'Bhudda consciousness' or whatever. That doesn't mean that we are THA ONE (AND ONLY). That's known as a messiah complex. Get over yourself, it's not so insignificant to just be yourself, because we are all one-offs capable of all sorts.

    Yeah, watch that ego. It's only out for itself.

    I think you're a very smart guy, and passionate as well. The problem with being young and very powerful mentally and emotionally is that sometimes all that energy can be overwhelming and we don't know how to channel it very well. But stay in touch with your heart - which will ground you and keep you in touch with what matters most in life...your family and the love that you have experienced from them or elsewhere which you should never turn your back on - and hopefully as time goes by and you take note and learn from your follies, your mind will sort itself out.

    Relax and stop pushing yourself so hard. There is so much you've still to learn, and by trying to push too far ahead of your abilities as they stand at the point you've reached so far, you will force things which aren't ready to unfurl, like picking a tightly closed bud open and expecting to find a beautiful, fully developed flower. You'll just end up with a messy garden. There are certain restrictions that we have to operate within. You can't expand to 10 feet squared when the laws of the Universe have you currently placed within a 1 foot squared box. Or a d.n.a. structure that will allow you to only grow (physically or otherwise) so far. That's the limitations posed that we have to work with at any given time. Be patient and it will come, only not quite as you envisage it just now (which is probably something quite bedazzling and over the top), but real power, in balance with and grounded in reality.
     
  8. ucicare

    ucicare Active Member

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    5,606

    I don't remember you offering him plane tickets for free.

    I don't like drugs either, but I dislike seeing people destroying their lives and dying young much worse. Medicine is all we have at the time. It is the ignorace of people (like you Nursey) who think that drugs are always BAD that prevent many people from being helped.

    Even if drugs are bad, unmedicated Schizophrenia is worse. Come up with a better way to treat it, and I will surely listen. All I have seen so far is your attempting to normalize delusional behavior. We call that DENIAL in the sane world.

    Take a look at this Nursey. I am not 100% sold on the technology, but it is intereresting. It appears that there really is something physically different about the imbalanced brain.

    http://www.amenclinic.com/bp/atlas/ch8.php

    Take a look at the effects of the long term use of Marijuania while you are there. Maybe that will explain your lack of cohesion and synthesis.

    But I still love you, so please don't be mad. You are my favorite antireason of all time.
     
  9. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    Hey, offering him a plane ticket and support in the form of counselling is highly commendable. Wanting to see him doped up and dependant on pharmaceuticals, maybe for the rest of his life without even attempting to talk sense to him first is not.


    I don't see all forms of orthodox medicine (including psychiatric medication) as "BAD" when it becomes apparent that no other option is available and that the severity of the person's condition is in 'red alert'. Then you take whatever emergency measures are necessary. But i don't see that as the case with Smurf. I saw it as the case with a schizophrenic woman i knew who was prone to suicide attempts whenever she went 'off on one'. The extent of her imbalance did certainly seem far beyond any level of counselling that she could be offered. Smurf may be delusional about things, but i don't think he's completely lost it. I would say he is in danger of that if he doesn't come down to earth a bit, but as far as i can tell, he still hasn't severed the final ropes which keep his 'hot air balloon' tethered to the ground. Therefore, there is still a perfectly good chance he can bring himself back from the outer limits without any serious damage if he is just given a set of stable co-ordinates to check his own compass bearings against. And that's why counselling can be of such benefit. So far, i haven't seen you doing any. Apart from the plane ticket and the floor of your office, all i've seen you offer is scaremongering and medication.
    I wasn't 'normalising his delusional behaviour', (the 'uncanny!' comment was just a joke). I was just addressing it with a calm, level head without any sensational scaremongering, because i believe that it might just be that all he needs a bit of a reality check to come back down. I believe the choice IS still in his hands. It's always worth at least attempting to solve the problem by natural, non-invasive means wherever possible, whether it be a chest infection or mental spin out. And if trying that way fails and the person feels in danger of going under...then they should surrender their power to an outside force to keep them afloat. But to immediately, at first sign of a problem, reach for the pill bottle as the quick easy solution for all life's ills is definately not the best approach.
    But i suppose we both are only giving the best advice we can, drawing from our own personal experience, and the advice i gave is what brought me to the point of psychological stability i am at now from a precarious point in my late youth/early adulthood. For you, it was psychiatric drugs.

    I'm not.
     
  10. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    And i don't know how you can say he is definately schizophrenic by his comments here alone. He could just be severely deluded, in which case there is still every hope he can come down to earth without any outside medi-help. Intelligent people can have wild imaginations, and there is a danger of getting carried away with them when they're young.
     
  11. ucicare

    ucicare Active Member

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    I don't believe he has schizophrenia. I just used that as an example.

    I would say bi-polar, based on a LOT of things. I believe you will find that I said that to him when he first came here months ago.

    Bi-polar is treatable, and you do not have to stay on meds forever. The problem with bi-polar is that it gets worse with each episode. eventually, the brain gets very damaged and then there is no recovery.

    Stopping the cycle now with meds, and then keeping him episode free with other non medical interventions later is what I recommend.
     
  12. Dwaine Scum

    Dwaine Scum New Member

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    how come I never got that offer for your floor barry... you bastard
     
  13. Lomotil

    Lomotil Active Member

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    His first posts here sound like someone I know that took a few too many amphetamine weight-loss pills over an extended period of time. Thought he saw UFO's in the sky, picked out words from conversations he overheard (thinking it was a spirit or divine voice speaking directly to them), thinking they meant things pertinent to his life (this extended to include things on television, as well), culminating in his distorted reality that convinced him that he was Jesus...

    I just thought it was a very interesting parallel to the effects of long-term amphetamine overuse and naturally-occuring chemical imbalances.
     
  14. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    Dain Bramaged...? Not worried about it.

    When I was working at ASH (training) the group got together and we had this little game where the instructor would ask questions about what we had learned over the entire training period. What popped into my mind was that I was being tested to see if I was paying attention.

    One of my fellow trainees offered up "The Destroyers" as our team name. I said "Shut up Clare," so the instructor said, "Okay well how about the Pink Destroyers!" What popped into my mind was the team specially assigned to destroying the world if they thought I would fail. Then we began the game and someone mumbled, "Get ready to start laughing..." Just like when I was taking the computer test and everybody couldn't stop laughing for no reason at all...

    I'd seen this special the night before about how electrodes in the right spot of the brain can relieve depression. Turned on high enough they can also cause laughing. So here are all these people sitting around laughing so hard and looking miserable and getting up to walk out of the room it wasn't even funny. The instructor mentioned something about STD's and how you can't have sex, then he stared coldly at me. I imagined that having your frontal lobes zapped enough to cause you to laugh uncontrollably would eventually burn you out and cause you to not enjoy sex.

    You know they cell phone tower antennaes if tuned to the right frequency can really do some damage, especially if the planet were carpet-nuked first. I had this image of a guy sitting in a big gold chair, looking out over all the desolation that they caused, making sure every last soul was taken care of before they took their own life.

    So I did my best to answer the questions when it came to my turn, but I sucked, still I tried.

    So another idea popped into my mind. I had this notion that the Universe started off as this big man that kind of comes out of a coma. No memories, no idea of what's going on, so it doesn't mind being all alone. It can spend millions of years by itself so it never minded the enormous amount of time that it took to create an entire planet.

    It's creations lived and died, but still it had the eternal patience that came with spending billions of years perfecting life, so it never minded not dying. Still, one day God wanted to be born into the world as a child, and experience the wonder of fantasy.

    Then my right brain came up with a creative story.

    I imagined God entering the Great Pyramid, above him in the sky his Krypton planet was exploding, Mars was being zapped. I imagined him telling his best friends, a woman and a child, "I know now why you cry," as he was whiping away a tear from the little one's face. Just like in Terminator 2. As Venus drew near the electric force needed to turn him into a pure soul tore the extra matter away from his body and thus he entered what would later be called the Ark of the Covenant, or a big gold box.

    Anyways, I wound up flipping out at work. They showed us a film at work talking about how this one bipolar kid was having trouble at school and with his friends. His parents were trying to help him but they couldn't, he was just too fargone. The judge was extremely dissapointed and was lecturing the parents.

    I thought the parents represented the team of high priests that were trying to help me. The judge, a military woman appointed to see if I would be ready for my role or not. Big ol' lovable James - one of the trainees - pointed to the judge and told me, "Oh man she's military, she's serious. You don't want to mess around with her." They were talking about how the parents waited so long that there was no longer any safety net for the child. The parents were saying they didn't want it to go this far.

    I saw so many parallels to my own frustrations it wasn't even funny. It wasn't even schizophrenia either. I'm flat out talking to these people through the trainees and instructors.

    Anyways, it's one of those have-to-be-there kind of things... zoom to the future and I'm actually in the state hospital, for bipolar. I'm playing some basketball, having trouble concentrating. We're playing Horse and everything starts looking real bright. The colors are really vivid, like someone turned the tone way up. I didn't notice it at first because one of the guys was on my ass the entire time asking me questions like "You know what letter you're on?" Or "You know who's turn it is?"

    I had trouble concentrating, and I honestly couldn't remember. My short-term memory was fried for a good 5 minutes. After the game I went back inside, kicking myself in the ass because I thought it was another one of those "tests" like the game we played. After I sat down for a moment though, everything was so clear. My short-term memory was great, I could concentrate, and I realized that's how it must feel when you have a miracle done unto you.

    I mean, it's got to feel like something. It was weird, but I know something had happened to me. Can't really explain it, but I know my Dain Bramage hadn't cured itself, someone was helping me out.

    Anyways, lately a lot of my friends have been flaky.
     
  15. Lomotil

    Lomotil Active Member

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    It probably seems that way because they lack the understanding of what's going on with your brain. I wouldn't say that it's their fault, and even though neurology isn't necessarily a new science (hell, 7,000 year old human skulls have been discovered that show that the skull was surgically opened while the person was still alive, as evidenced by the healed bone - and this was about 4,500 years before Hippocrates was around), there has been so much research and discovery recently that makes it an ever-changing and 'new' field.

    As the public becomes more aware of neurological disorders, acceptance and understanding will be more widespread. People tend to fear, mock, or ignore that which they don't understand, and I believe that it's just part of human nature.

    Being "flaky" is most likely their innate self-defense mechanism for not knowing what's really happening.
     
  16. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    If you got some extra time Barry, can you tell me what happens when a perfectly normal person takes Depakote? I was feeling quite normal and didn't think I was bipolar, but I saw this doctor for maybe 5 minutes at this hospital and he shoved 750 mg of Depakote and 10 mg of Zyprexa in my face. The only reason why I was taking them was because my parents were giving me a guilt trip about it. I wasn't having mood swings or anything.
     
  17. Lomotil

    Lomotil Active Member

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    I was curious about that myself...

    Someone donated a 4-pack doctor's sample of 500 Depakote ER (same thing my ex is on) - it's still tucked away in an office drawer, but I've never gotten ambitious enough to try it myself.
     
  18. smurfslappa

    smurfslappa New Member

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    It causes dain bramage.
     
  19. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    Barry, who haven't you diagnosed with bi-polar disorder or ADHD? You were trying desperately to squeeze me into one of those boxes after you'd only been posting for a week based on nothing more than some of my sordid, humorous blatherings. You tried to say that Steve Irvin had it. It's like a self-smug attitude which makes you feel superiorly in-the-know and able to dismiss things which you deem are out of the normal scope of being (which seems a rather narrow bracket in your eyes). It likely gives you a sense of being in control, making you feel comfortable and at ease with whatever is beyond comprehension from within your chemically regulated state of being. If you had your way, you'd have about three quarters of us all popping pills here, at least. It's like a desperation to categorise us as faulty despite us being happy in ourselves, or as happy as can be expected in a world which is far from ideal. I know Smurf doesn't come into this category, but considering you want us all to be categorised in the same box as yourself, even those of us who aren't struggling, it's worth mentioning.
    As i stated before, i had a phase around the age of 20 where i believe i came close to losing my marbles so to speak (like, one more wrong decision away - the one where i'd turn away from my family), after a wild adolescence and many hallucinogenic drug experiences (though in my case, the hallucinogens weren't the direct cause, they just made made the boundaries even more rubbery for me to stretch by my own thinking). If someone like you had come along to 'help' me at that time, i'd probably still be a chemically controlled victim of pharmacology today. Fortunately, i stayed away from people who would be eager to take me over, and managed to pull myself out of that self-induced, sorry mess, without any outside interference, though it was by no means easy. But i can't see how i could have done that if something else in the form of the heavy hand of manmade chemistry came and complicated the picture. How would i have found my way back to normality if normality as i previously knew it had ceased to be due to my artificially (medicated) state of being? I'm sure if you'd scanned my brain at the time, it would have shown signs of chemical imbalance, but that doesn't necessarily mean that chemicals are the only remedy.
    The benefits of having stretched my outer limits so far and living to tell the tale - having managed, by my own volition to return to a state that again reflected reality, is that i am more grounded and secure in my being than most people i meet, even many who have had years more life experience than me. A good analogy would be how we stretch a rubber band or a balloon before we use it to increase it's flexibility, and make it less brittle and likely to snap under extreme duress.
    The only time i got a little bit 'out there' since was during a period when i was under severe stress and at the same time indulging in amphetimines on a frequent basis. Fortunately that imbalance was only minor sillyness in comparison to the near-madness i'd previously experienced, and normality returned once i stopped the obvious destructive behaviour. Though to someone who had never experienced any sort of loopyness previously, i can see how it could have been the beginning of a path to the 'outer limits of the city', somewhere i know from first hand experience i'd rather not be.;)
     
  20. Nursey

    Nursey Active Member

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    7,378
    I am copyrighting that as the 'rubber johnny theory'.
     

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