...there was the subsequent meeting with a grey bearded woman in a psychedelic kilt called guru-nussy who taught him the transcenden-levi-time-transportational meditation that was necessary for him to get back to the US 3 days before he awoke in the field..
Ulfur, his steely blue eyes fixed on the footage of the demented looking 'old man' at the apartment door, commanded security in a husky but firm tone to bring the traumatised and horrifyingly decrepit looking Psychobob inside and have him bathed and fed. He paused and narrowed his eyes as he stood gazing out at the awe-inspiring view. An orange, balmy early morning mist engulfed the city landscape. This modelling contract with Bob had taken over a year to clinch and between the photographic chemistry and the friendship he shared with Bob, was one of the most important things in the world to him...what was he going to do? Suddenly his face contorted with angst as he wildly threw his head back, hands making fists at either side and letting rip a tremendously manly, primal bellow. Whirling round, he grabbed his studded leather jacket and leapt into the elevator. Fire in his eyes, he slammed the button to take him down to the car park, and jumped into his yellow dodge viper. He screeched out of the car park and sped through the city streets leaving a dust cloud in his trail, then headed straight out of town. Sweat trickled down his hunky pulsing temple, his teeth were clenched in emotional turmoil. Soon, he came to some fields beside a giant Bojangles. Ulf screeched to a halt and leapt out. BOBBBBBBBBBBBB he roared. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????? he bawled, shaking both fists in the air and, brow furled, staring defiantly into the sun. As his chest heaved and his retinas smarted in the blazing light, something seemed to happen inside his brain, it was as if he was having an idea, or as if the power of GAHHD had spoken. Slowly his arms fell by his side, and he turned away. He had BARED HIS SOUL, and GAHHHD had listened. Now he knew what he must doooo.....
While Ulfur lay basking in the glow of GAHHD, elsewhere in the vastness that is the fuglyverse evil was afoot...evil was also abreast, or two breasts rather. Nursey sat on her golden throne (made from macoroni noodles glued to a paper machee chair and spraypainted gold) and pondered this new development which she had just watched in her scrying device,a large septic pod rumoured to have been peed in by MARTIN himself, had Ulfer truly found GAHHD, and if so why was GAHHD just now revealing itself to her and to this creature Ulfur. Her breasts glared up at her daring her to do something to stop GAHHD.. "Tut tut" Nusrsey scolded her impatient yet evil breasts "we must have patience, let GAHHD show his hand before we make our move." She viewed the scrying device once more now what was Ulfur doing to her and the breasts surprise Ulfur was doing what could only be described as....
Nursey finished smoking a chillum, then sat, with half closed eyes gazing deeply into the pod of festering piss. Slowly at first, the clouds in the piss started to stir, then swirl until they dissolved and, once again, a vision of Ulfur lying basking in the glow of GAHHD appeared . "Look at him!" spat Nursey in a sharp but whispered tone... ..."he's got that righteous, resplendant fucking 'god-bitch' glow about him...they all get that once they've ridden the 'celestial bang bus..." she mocked. "NEEE HEHEHEHEHE....NEEEE HEHEHEHEHE" screeched the vicious little titties... (nauseatingly, they always found all of Nursey's jokes totttttally hilarious). Then, piss clouds started to appear and the vision of Ulfur returned to the uriney mist... BUT THEN.......WHAT WAS THIS!!!?!...."AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE" Nursey screamed as she recoiled in horror from what was next to manifest...... So THIS was the plan!!! THIS was the reason GAHHD had chosen Ulfur to reach her...to render her just some dim macho twat's property....a dizzy, fauning cock bauble!!!! The titties went demented, leaping wildly around, gnashing their nipples and baying for blood inside the rubber suction cups that Nursey used to restrain them (for their own good...it wasn't uncommon for them to launch completely unprovoked attacks on each other when they got bored, which at times had resulted in nasty lacerrations). "Doooo not WORRY my little PRETT-EE TITTIES!! TIME i was RELEASING YOOOOOOOU......." ...and with that two plops resounded around the echoey chamber and both rubber cups fell to the floor.................
.... the body feebly braced itself for it's 64th anal orgasm... though by now the palpitations emanating from it's prostate were barely subsiding and it was, for all intents and purposes, in the grip of an uncontrollable body and mind shudder that was ever lasting... a climax without end.... one eye was open revealing a glazed over eyeball... any glimmer of lucidity had long abandoned this ocular orb.. the mind behind it was swimming in a tempestuous storm of pleasure and pain... and was by now beyond the reach of an anchor to reality.. it had now been 72 hours since schmed popped out to get more margarine from the kitchen... all of a sudden a thought tried to form in nico's mind.. which panicked him greatly.. for the presence of his own thoughts were alien to him... he had gladly disposed of his individuality when dwaine rescued him from his suicidally self-loathing personal hell... becoming one of dwaines bitch-boys marked a new beginning.. one where he discarded his pitiful former self and committed himself to a life of submissive sexual servitude.. where he became whatever his client wanted... he became an executive plaything and gained blissful contentment in his unthinking passive role as a "living doll"... initially he tried blocking out the thought.. to no avail... the thought was too strong to ignore so he let it form fully in his head... he cowered in his cranium while the message was seeping its way into his conscious.. his mind had already lost control of it's (metaphorical) bladder control and a warm yellow river had collected at the base of his cortex (metaphorically)... although his higher brain functions were now a gibbering traumatised wreck the thought was able to take hold... and to his surprise he was relieved that it had... "i think i should remove this electric food mixer from my anal cavity right now," he thought "or the internal injuries will be terminal" the emergence of an individual thought in the once empty mind of the hapless fuck-puppet precipitated a cascade inside his head as more components of consciousness gatecrashed the formerly desolate and inactive logic centre of Nico's McBrain.... a collection of components that contained the instinct that had been suppressed for so long.. but was now standing up to be counted in it's time of need.... self preservation... and this life preserving instinct was about to be stretched to his limit in the effort to extricate his client from his soon-to-be fatal position... he was against the clock.. yet had to work methodically and steady... he needed a superhuman act of guile and intelligence to strike the right balance between speed and care... steps needed taking to ensure an absence of potential pitfalls... ...instinct sidled up behind nico's conscious mind... "thwcrack".. the sound of nico's skull coming into contact with a hard blunt object at high speed would have been sickening... (...that is if a persons preservational instinct violently bludgeoning their consciousness into ..ahem.. unconsciousness actually made a sound... hmmm that'll be one for philosophiserers to masturbate over....) with all the planning and preparation complete.. the instinct swiftly took over motor functions of nico's body and tried to begin the rescue attempt of itself... but there was a problem.. 72 hours of tumultuous orgasms had taken their toll on nico's feeble frame... the instinct cursed as it tried in vain to drum up any hidden reserves of energy and courage from deep inside nico... but alas there were none to be had... instinct trembled with rage.. he had never encountered an individual with patheticness to this extent.. shaking and red-faced instinct approached nico's unconscious consciousness... the instinctual pillar had a record to be proud of... thousands and thousands of individuals throughout the area of collective conscious he managed had lived a day longer through his intervention... but now.. for the first time ever.. he would have to admit defeat... not by unavoidable catastrophe.. but by unbelievable patheticness... as he stood over the prone nico.. instincts anger steadily rose... "fuck it".. he said and wandered to the outskirts of the brain to fill a bucket with cranial fluid.. since the insipid bag of exctreta was about to die anyway... might as well use it for a spot of stress relief.... instinct emptied the bucket over the prone figure and nico's unconscious consciousness became conscious again... outside the mind nico's body was approaching the point of fatality... his musclature had expended itself of energy to such a degree during the unending orgasmic tremors that there wasn't even the energy required to sustain cohesion on an atomic level... his muscles suddenly decomposed at a rapid rate to the consistency of pink blancmange... inside the anal cavity the twin whisks of the food mixer had massaged the surrounding tissues to such an extent that they were relaxing into a gelatinous gloop... nico's pulsing prostate gland had increased in size tenfold with it's continual stimulation and started to push it's way through the cavity wall.. the wall not having the consistency to hold it back any longer... back in nico's mind the raging survival instinct was pummeling the snivelling husk of nico's consciousness.. the consciousness lay there in the feotal position squealing in pain as the blows rained upon him... meanwhile in the anal cavity the prolapsing prostate was protruding through the anal wall.. in an instant it connected with the whirring blades of the cakemix maker... it caught fast on the whisks and was dragged and distended and torn around the blades.. nico's consciousness screamed in agony and ecstacy as his insides were being torn and twisted... suddenly the enlarged prostate jammed the blades... it's growth spurt had given it a remarkably strong hide.. the blades struggled to keep turning before shortcircuiting the motor... due to some maliscious rewiring by archie.. (who had recently taken out a hefty life insurance policy on schmed)... a bolt of electricity shot out of the food mixer and surged into nico's soon to be corpse... instinct saw the lifeforce swiftly begin to dim in nico's eyes... "about fucking time" he muttered before viciously stamping on nico's skull... he became slightly flustered when his cock suddenly engorged itself as nico's skull crushed under his foot like an eggshell and promised himself he'd treat himself to a luxurious wank later over the memory of the beating he'd just delivered... hell.. he might even use the silk glove and baby oil.... Chapter IV a new dope the phone in schmeds apartment trilled loudly.. the answer machine soon clicked into life and played it's "hilarious" message.. one of those washed up celebrity ones... but at least his machine had the actual celebrity's voice rather than some cheap-ass imitator of an A-lister.... the machine beeps and a sweet voice wafts over the speaker.. reminiscent of kermit... "SCHMED YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD UNLESS I GET MY ASS-BITCH BACK BY THE END OF THE DAY!!".. this is followed by the click of a bullet being loaded in a chamber.. followed by the click of a pissed off fat bastard hanging up the receiver...........
the foyer of scratch, sniff, fumble & partners, publishers of pulp beach romance novellas was imposing yet contemporary.. and was dominated by the immense steel double doors that provided entry to this modern corporate enclave... an intricate lattice of hydraulic bolts reinforced the imposing presence held by the doors... suddenly a series of deafening crashes filled the lobby.. the handful of stragglers in the lobby that hadn't yet made their way to their desks looked in unison to the source of the cacaphony.... onlookers were frozen in shock at what they were witnessing as they followed the sound with their eyes... the nuclear proof gateway.. that represented the peak of hyper polymor alloy and high security technologies.. was crumpling like cardboard from the blows being rained upon it... the families of 6 employees submitted compensation claims to scratch, sniff, fumble & partners for the mental collapse of their loved ones after witnessing the unthinkable.. the doors that had been designed and tested to hold back the direct impact of a stellar projectile the size of a small city gave way under the onslaught and swung open.... the small crowd seemed transfixed like game animals caught in a powerful spotlight as the dust settled over them... they were rendered passive observers to this event.. the unreality of it all made any logical or instinctual reactions an irrelevance... the doors stood wide open before the passive observers... the cloud of dust forced airborn by the doors opening gradually cleared revealing an imposing figure between the doors... floating 3 feet from the ground... the intruders attire was the thing most witnesses recalled most strongly later.. when they gave statements to the police and fbi... a white tailored jumpsuit with razor sharp red flares stitched into the leg and cuffs... it had a flattering cut when closed.. with 3 carat diamond and platinum fasteners... and it opened.. with impeccable tailoring skills to render it identically flattering when open... to release the source of the hyperhuman energies that had gained them entry... the mythical mammaries that were a font of purest evil .... some witnesses also gave a description of the exquisite bead-type precious gem work on the back as she floated past... it was an image that seemed to tell a story as the light caught the different gems.. underneath diamond lettering spelling out NURSEY....
co-o-o-ontribution time C'MON!! there's a story going on right here.. so contribute, you bunch of pussy queers...
(....Now that I have read all of that....) ....Ulfur puts down his "Bible", and returns from his astral projection experience, thinking..."Did that just happen?" He looks at the black singe upon his chest, and then discovers the truth about GAHHD.... GAHHD=GHAHD G=S A=T D=N GHAHD=SATAN GAHHD=SATAN ....Ulfur further contemplates.... NURSEY=6 letters LILITH=6 letters NURSEY=LILITH And, if: U=A L=S R=T F=N ULFUR=SATAN Therefore, ULFUR=GAHHD Ulfur, having struck this deranged revelation, continues his analysis: ULFUR ENGIL=10 letters NAZI NURSEY=10 letters What could this all mean? The mystery begins to unfurl.....
posted August 24, 2003 08:49 PM --------------------------------------------------------- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> Amended by Ulfur Engil (left out a fucking piece of the puzzle!!!): ....Ulfur puts down his "Bible", and returns from his astral projection experience, thinking..."Did that just happen?" He looks at the black singe upon his chest, and then discovers the truth about GAHHD.... GAHHD=GHAHD G=S A=T D=N H=A GHAHD=SATAN GAHHD=SATAN<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
"GAHHD...GAHHD=GHAHD... G=S A=T D=N H=A GHAHD=SATAN GAHHD=SATAN GAHHD....GAHHD SATAN...SATAN=5 letters ULFUR ENGIL=10 letters NAZI NURSEY=10 letters, 10+10=20...soooo....got a 2 now......2x5=10 A- LILITH=6 letters NURSEY=6 LETTERS ARCHIE=6 LETTERS B- DWAINE=6 LETTERS SCHMED=6 LETTERS CHICHI=6 LETTERS C- RAT=3 LETTERS BOB=3 LETTERS.....3+3=6 D- NICO=4 LETTERS ANUS=4 LETTERS SLUT=4 LETTERS...4+4+4=12.....12=6+6 OH GAHHHHHHHHD....what does it ALL MEEEEEEAN? A=three 6's B=three 6's C=one 6 D=two 6's.....so.....C+D=three 6's" Ulfur bared his teeth and furled his brow attempting by sheer manliness of will to force the information together in some sort of intelligible pattern, but alas, to no avail."GAAAAAAAAAAAH" he bellowed, then collapsed heaving breathlessly to his knees. He crawled back to his car, still breathless, climbed in and started the drive back home. To his bewilderment, the sun was beginning to set...he must have been basking in the glow of GAHHD/GHAHD for hours!!?! As he drove, his head was awash with the days events which kept repeating themselves in his minds eye...the image of Bob's tormented, terror stricken, haggard face peering into the intercom camera... ...the blazing sun, his succumbing to the power of "GAHHD/GHAHD..SATAN=5 LETTERS G=S, H=A,A=T....." But what was this? A strange tingling was now emanating with increasing intensity from his magnificent meaty, blonde loins until his entire hunky apparatus was pounding... throbbing to an almighty beat. Somehow, the numerological information that had so confounded Ulfur had nontheless entered his subconscious,altering the neurological charge which passed through his cortex and, accumulating down at the base of his spine, in turn generated a charge that vibrated the chromosomes in the region of his prime studding tract at a certain frequency which reflected.... the numerological code. His nutsac was almost ready to blow, but sensing the almighty power of the information carried in his seed Ulf knew it was vital to prevent it escaping, so stepped on the car's accelerator, screeching his way through the now darkened city streets. "MUST..NOT BLOW...IIIINNNNNNG" but he was in grave danger of losing the battle when suddenly he recalled an image he'd seen on his computer: That seemed to do the trick! Like a nuclear power plant having just come back from the brink of blowing a reactor, the gigantuan mass of hard,throbbing scrotal tissue seemed to deflate, and the frequency detensified until it was just a pleasant gentle pulsing, leaving Ulfur to carry on the rest of his journey homeward at a leisurely pace. Back in the apartment, Ulfur fetched an antique chalice to catch the seed which now embodied the answer to the numerological code. It was one he had got on e-bay and used as a charming condom dispenser for his bedside table. Next, he fixed himself a drink, and got some suitable erotic viewing material to get him 'in the mood'. He chose some pictures of himself from a previous model shoot."Mmmmmm...gewwwwwwd....mmmmm" He particularly liked the one of him when his hair was short...gave him a slightly rugged , youthfull appeal: Oh yes...yes...he liked that one...yes...yesssss.Mmmmm. No sooner had Ulfer finished grunting contentedly and shaking out the last drops of hunky Ulf cum from his mammoth, trunklike cock, something incredible started to happen. The glob of liquid-Ulf started to bubble and fizz, giving off a vapour which collected just above the chalice and, illumined by the golden light reflecting from the bowl below, there appeared an eye..... [ 09-07-2003: Message edited by: Nursey ]
Schmed followed the smell of burning plastic which led him into the kitchen where he discovered Nico's pathetic, scrawny little body lying twitching in a pool of blood and what appeared to be thick salmon pate-like sludge...which was still slowly emerging like toothpaste out a tube from his wide, bulging recty-hole. "SHIIIIIIIIIIT....MOM...I MEAN ARCHIE...COME QUICK" he shrieked...
... s.c roty scratch esq, senior partner of scratch, sniff, fumble & partners looked visibly shaken when interviewed by the cable news team beside the smouldering wreckage of the once imposing grand old building... the reporter kept trying to coax details from the old executive.. but in his shock.. mr scratch could only mumble repeatedly.. "don't print the book.. the titties will kill again... no-one must print the book.. we must obey the titties".....
chichi watched the news report in dumbstruck horror... how could this be?... how had nursey, who's delicate life-force giving fucky-hole had once provided the visions of heavenly splendour that still permeated his dreams, how had she become a conduit for pure evil?... and what the hell were those pink gargoyles on her chest?... something was seriously wrong with this reality... something needed to be done... but what? chichi decided it was time to consult an oracle... he picked up a 7 week old half-eaten pot-noodle from beside his tv and fished out one of the buttons of ****ucinogenic fungus that was growing at the bottom....
.. chichi sat in the field.. dew rising through the seat of his pants... the sun was coming up and it looked set to be a glorious day... he looked around him to see the last glimpses of universal energy flashing through the flora and fauna before being overtaken by the drab grey-like colours he saw when only able to see with his non-aware eyes... he became slightly puzzled as he wondered what he was doing sat there... until he looked up to see a cow staring intently at him... "MOOOOO!" said the cow... chichi was confused.. but had an urge to look the cow square in the eyes... "that's better" said the oracle.. "you know now what needs to be done"... and the knowledge of the conversation with the oracle flooded back to his conscious mind... nursey and ulfur engil had been taken over by an evil conglomerate of mentally deranged alcoholic jews led by an insane genius who was last known to the authorities as melvin falconer... it amused his warped mind to use an arab and a nazi to enact his wicked world domination plan.. the conception of the mismessiah... a way to stop this nefarious scheme was detailed in the fugly SS scrolls.. which were 'accidentally' lost one night when the fugly admin deleted the secret forums on which they were stored... luckily this event was forseen and the contents of the scrolls were divided and burnt into the subconsciouses of chichi and psychobob.. which had the unfortunate side-effect of driving bob clinically insane... chichi now had to track down psychobob and reunite the halves of the scrolls to recover the plans for earths salvation... it wouldn't be easy.. dark forces were working against him... but the oracle was able to give him one last piece of advice in case he should run into evil-nursey... "use your seed.. it was infused with the essence of nursey before the darkness took her... it won't stop her.. for the evil is too strong... but it will subdue the evil's influence long enough for you to make good your escape... should you encounter ulfur engil.. the only advice i can offer you is pray..." the oracle smiled fondly, its pupils like rippling wells of black ink.. "i wish you the best of luck young chichi.. god's speed" with that the oracle was gone and chichi was left standing in a field staring out a cow... he shrugged his shoulders and trudged off home to manufacture some semen...
little did poor chichi know that his seed wasnt actually his sperm, it was was the ganja seeds he has been meaning to plant but never got around to because of his drug binges. unbeknownst to all his sperm would only impregnate nursey and give birth to a whole new evil. *** andys favorite computer game crashed just seconds before the end of the level so he promptly went to his closet got his shot gun and destroyed what had cost him so much time and money to build. as he put the shotgun away he reached up to grab another carton of cigs from the top shelf and a rather large metalic box seemingly fell from nowhere and laded on and around his head closing it in. everything was black for about three days and suddenly the inside light up. inside appeared to be controls for weapons and other devices that would turn bodies inside out. he no longer cared about food or water as the box was sustaining himhe selected one of the weapons and with little thought destroyed most of his neighborhood.he liked this. he went to his computer room to mock the piece of shit he destroyed days before and he noticed that the name on all the components was nursey. he knew then and there that nursey was somehow responsible for his game crashing. he knew also that she must be destroyed and he would let no one stant between him and her death. he needed no one and would destroy anyone who said otherwise. meanwhile back in...
..the kitchen auntie em was wondering why poor little andy was sat in the refrigerator making stupid rat-a-tat-tat and boom noises.. she looked over to the pc and realised he'd shot up his monitor with black paintballs while playing counterstrike and was high on the fumes again.. she let out a big sigh as she pulled out the nipple-clamps to give him another session of electro-shock-therapy... ...back in schmeds apartment archie roused himself from his slumber and ambled through to see what schmed had been screaming about half an hour ago to see schmed deep in IM conversation with monsieur chichi....
"ARCHIE!!!! GET YOUR LITTLE FUCKING DWARF ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!" Schmed yelled at Archie. Archie waddled into the other room and was immediatly slapped in the face. "Don't you fucking ever sleep without permission again or I will fucking gut you from crotch to sternum like a fucking rainbow trout, you got it!?!?" Archie nodded in agreement. "Now I need to get to Pimp now, Rob has gone temporarily SANE and is now on his way to DisneyWorld to kill that fucking mouse, if he does that all reality as we know it will cease to excist and the only one who can possibly talk him out of it is Pimpino. And he must be reunited with the crazy bastard to get the scrolls... and we have to do this fast so Nursey does not sniff us out." Archie knew this meant Schmed was going to have to fly, and the only way to fly is to fall and miss the ground, the ancient master Adams had taught Schmedly this eaons ago, but is was much easier said than done. What Schmed didn't know was that archie had prepared something to distract Schmed at the exact moment he would hit the ground, causing Schmedly to fly. Schmed fell Archie pulled a piano out of his ass and began to play beethoveens 5th in one fluid rapid second. Schmeds eyes bugged out of his head "What the..?!?" he mumbled Seconds later he was flying as fast as he could across the atlantic rushing to get to pimp. At this exact moment to evil boobs lit up like rudolphs nose on christmas, somehting was casuing a disturbance in the space time continum. *wake Nursey* they beckoned her *awake at once the forces of Gahhd conspire against us* Nurseys eyes flicked open and alert.... And in another part of the fuglyverse Dwaine was straightning his Cabbage patch kid doll collection, his well oiled pistols strapped to his hips... Great things were afoot (and evil things were A-breast) he knew he could not remain nuetral in this great conflict that was becoming a rolling boil..but what side would he take....
