A guy walks into a bar, and the place is DEAD silent...everyone is watching the ceiling intently, and the guy sees, faintly, two blood red "blobs" from this distance, up on the ceiling. He walks over quietly, to the bar tender and says, "Hey, what's going on", in a loud voice. The bar tender whispers, "Shhhh, quiet, loud noises can effect the outcome". The guy whispers, "What the hell is going on". The bar tender offers, "Every Wednesday night we take two sirloins from the kitchen, throw them up against the ceiling, and then people bet on which one will fall first." The guy looks at the bar tender with a "really" look on his face...and the guy asks, "What's it take to get in on this?" The bar tender pushes a huge 10 gal water jug to him, full of $20 bills and asks, "$20 per entry, end of the night...winner takes all...are you in", and the guy says: "Those steaks are too high for me!"
Foo on You! A recent major university study kicked off with a well funded, well equipped team, led by Dr. Ima Quack, Phd in Zoology and exotic tropical birds. He took his team to the most remote region of the pacific, to an island rumored to have the most rare tropical bird known to man...The Foo Bird. Upon arriving on the island of Teetee-Tipacowry, Dr. Quack, with his translator, inquired of the local shaman, about the Foo Bird. "Foo bird baaad medicine...big evil...live on island of death. Many brave warrior die going there to get his tail feathers. You white monkeys not go...mean death for you" So, Dr. Quack, obviously, was excited...the island of the Foo Bird was within reach...but, what was this about death and evil? He further inquired. "Foo bird have magic powers. Foo bird shit poo of death...if it land on you, and you wipe off, you die." "Nonsense", thought Dr. Quack...what drivel...we'll go to this island right away, and he pointed his boat, full of his assistants, to the island of the Foo Bird. While about half-way there, suddenly, they heard an eery sound from above, "Foo, foo, foo", and then, there it was, the foo bird, 20 ft long, bright yellow tail feathers, orange head...and it swooped down close to team in the boat and dropped the largest guano emmission he had EVER see in all his career, right on the head of one of his assistants, who, almost instinctively, wiped it off. AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH, the assistant clutched his chest and died. Immediately Dr. Quack examined the site of the guano hit, and found a strange, purple discoloration on the skin. "Hmmmm", thought Dr. Quack, "obviously a neurotoxin...activated by exposure to oxygen...fascinating!" Well...he immediately gathered a sample from the poor assistant, and continued on towards the island of the foo bird. A little later, and the all the way to the island...assistant-after-assistant, met the same fate...foo, poo, and through...same sequence, same result...soon Dr. Quack made it to the island, with one remaining assistant...who he immediately sent to the most probable location for the foo bird's nest. It appeared they were in luck, the foo bird must have exhausted its supply of guano...and left them alone, as they stalked its nest, found its feathers, AND, as luck would have it, an actual, live, fertile egg. As the hurredly returned to their boat, Dr. Quack was awash with grief for his 3 expired assistance, and giddy with his new found species, "Quackius Mortius", and his mind raced with the fame and fortune that was soon to be his...alas, this was not to last long. As they raced back across the ocean, to the main island...they heard the, by now, dreaded sound, "Foo, foo, foo", and looked up just in time to see the last assistant, splooged with what was obviously a renewed batch of foo guano. And the disgusted assistant, without thinking, wiped it off, and expired...Dr. Quack was horrified. So close to safety, and he was the last. He grabbed the oars, and rowed like a madman. While he was nearing the island...the shadow of the foo bird flashed across his face...he heard a loud "foo" quite close to him, and felt a large "SPLAT" across his back. No Dr. Quack, was no ordinary individual...and, wisely understood that if he did not activate the neurotoxin with air, he might survive...so, he quickly returned with egg, feathers, and foo shit on his back, in-tact...to waiting glory. Weeks later, Dr. Quack told his story to waiting reporters in New York City...who were fascinated by his tale of exotic islands, death, and mahem. He had successfully hatched the egg, raised the chick, and had the only Foo Bird in captivity anywhere. He was famous, and soon got invited to appear and tell his story on The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. After hearing the story, Jay Leno, impressed with such a great story, asked Dr. Quack..."but Dr. Quack, the others died...you didn't, what was the secret to survival?" Dr. Quack paused...thinking quietly to himself and said, "It's really very simple Jay..." "IF THE FOO SHITS, WEAR IT!"
