fuckin' hell.... source material...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sparky Bombastic:
i hate people that are named wank so shut the hell up<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Fuck in A

The Spark Has Spoken.

Of course I fucking listen to you.

Of course Im gonna shut the fuck up becasue you told me too...

 

lookit that.. i arrive at nurseys and she still has the original draft i sent her with my suggestions for a reason the guy gets attacked by a monster in a store...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herrkommandanten Küppler:
Missing...


Dan stood at the entrance and studied the clothes in the store with great interest. "Shall I go in?" He considers, trying to remember the last time he bought himself anything. After 5 minutes he reluctantly places a foot down onto the warm golden carpet that welcomes him.


An assistant approaches him from behind and coughs"Hu-hum." Dan, at that point, almost has a heart attack and turns to face the imposing youngster. "Sorry sir" the kid says. "Store closes in twenty minutes." Dan nods and turns back to the rack he was browsing.


For a moment his thoughts wander back to his wife, he's missed her greatly since the accident. He remembers the great times they had shared. Suddenly, he realizes the time he was wasting and moves to pick up a shirt when an enormous crash interrupts his train of thought. Dan looks around but sees nothing.


A little scared, he turns and runs to the end of the aisle where he stops, slightly out of breath and looks from left to right; nothing.


"Hello?!" He calls out, to which there is no reply. He quickly picks up pace again and moves over to the direction he came in. Dan stops abruptly. "Oh my god!" he exclaims as he looks at the giant steel doors that block the entrance. He walks over to the grating and puts his fingers through the gaps. "Hello?!!" He calls out, but the entire mall has been deserted. "Anybody?!" He shouts again. "Somebody?! HELP ME!!" His voice becomes a little agitated and he looks around "How long have I been here?" He asks himself not really sure of the answer, "five..or ten minutes, if that." and turns back to the empty mall. "Heelp!! Meeeee!!!"


Slowly the mall darkens, as one by one each of the lights are turned off. "There must be someone here!" he mutters. So he shouts again; "Hey!! Anybody there?!" Get me outta here!!!"
Eventually his throat starts to ache with the shouting and he coughs, and falls to his knees. The lights flicker and he looks around, a little puzzled and very scared at the turn of events. The lights diminish and complete darkness ensues.


From the darkness, barely audible at first, a low trembling begins to emanate.
He looks up to see a small white glow coming from one of the aisles. "What the fuck?" He says and quickly stands.


The trembling becomes a deep growl as Dan approaches it. It's a glowing sphere radiating pure white light and he stares at the center for a short time, then without warning, a large black shape emerges from the light. It lunges forward at an astonishing speed and swings it's large pointed arms at him. He ducks just in time. The creature pulls itself out of the light and onto the shop floor. He's trapped! The creature moves up to Dan and places a jagged limb either side of him, Dan stands there in sheer terror as more limbs come from behind the black wall and wrap around his legs.


"Get off me!" He shouts and pushes against the giant, but it is hopeless. Still with four limbs touching the floor, the creature reverses its direction and starts its descent back into the light. He shouts again and puts up as much resistance as he can. At the last moment he extends his arms so that he won't fit within the sphere and grabs onto the edges as if they were surfaces to hold. He struggles against the enormous force that's pulling him inside and gasps, then slowly, his fingers start to slip, another then another. "Nooo Please!!" Finally he gives out with a terrifying scream.

Dan's eyes snap open, he cannot see for a thick white haze covering him, there is no pulling anymore and he thinks he can feel a surface under his feet. He looks at the ground but his waist and anything below it is shrouded by the dense white fog.


Then he hears a familiar voice; a womans voice "Dan." He looks up, and is totally astonished at what he sees. "Julie!" he says, a massive smile on his face. "But you..you are dead? I..I don't understand" "Yes you do" she replies and extends a soft white hand. He looks down at it and takes a hold of it with his.

"Hey boss!!" the assistant calls out. "We got a problem here!!"
From the back of the store, the manager hurries up to where the kid is yelling from and freezes in horror. A peaceful looking man, his eyes closed, lays outstretched on the shop floor, his hand resting over his heart.


"Get an ambulance then!" The manager barks and within 20 minutes the paramedics are busying themselves around the body. "How did he...y'know..go?" the manager asks as they wheeled the body out of the door. One of the medics looks up, "Heart attack. Guy was 65. Looks like he just .. died. Without warning."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

(idea for whole short story arc)
*dan is 65 year old man.. his wife died not long ago.. death comes to greet him in the store.. he tries to fight it off perceiving it as some jetblack nothingness monster.. he runs tries to escape... eventually the monster sucks him to it's core where he finds a bright light.. he tries to claw his way out but is swiftly sucked into the light... where he emerges thru the light into 'heaven' where he is reunited with his loved ones.. blah blah.. his body is discovered by an assistant dead from a heart attack*

Dan stood at the entrance and studied the clothes in the store with great interest. 'Shall i go in?' He considered, trying to remember the last time he bought himself anything. After 5 minutes he reluctantly placed a foot down onto the warm golden carpet that welcomed him.
An assistant approached him from behind and coughed "Hu-hum." Dan, at that point, almost had a heart attack and turned to face the imposing youngster. "Sorry sir" the kid said. "Store closes in twenty minutes" To which Dan nodded 'yes' and turned back to the rack he was browsing.
For a moment Dan's thought wandered back to his wife, he had missed her greatly since the accident. "But" he thought "I am with another woman now. Someone who loves me dearly." Suddenly, Dan realized the time he was wasting and went back to pick up the shirt when an enormous crash interupts his train of thought and he looks around. Nothing. The shirt falls silently to the floor as Dan, a little scared, turns and runs to the end of the aisle. He stops, slightly out of breath and looks from left to right; nothing. "Hello?!" He calls out, to which there is no reply. He quickly picks up pace again and sprints over to the direction he came in. Dan stops abruptly. "Oh my god!" he says as he looks at the giant steel door that blocks the entrance. He walks over to the grating and puts his fingers through the gaps. "Hello?!!" He calls out, but the entire mall has been deserted.
"Anybody?!" He shouts again.
"Somebody?! HELP ME!!" His voice becomes a little aggitated and he looks around 'How long have I been here?' He asks himself not really sure of the answer, 'five..or ten minutes, if that' and turns back to the empty mall. "Heelp!! Meeeee!!!"
Slowly the mall darkens, as one by one each of the lights are turned off. 'There must be someone there' He shouts again; "Hey!! Anybody there?!" Get me outta here!!!" Eventually his throat fails with the excess shouting and he coughs and drops to his knees. The lights flicker and he looks around, a little puzzled and very scared at the turn of events.
A few moments later the lights diminish and complete darkness ensues.
From within the darkness, barely audible at first, a low trembling begins to eminate.
He looks up to see a small white glow coming from one of the aisles. "What the fuck?" He says aloud and quickly stands.
The trembling becomes a deep growl as Dan approaches it, a glowing sphere radiating pure white light. He stares at the center for a short time, then without warning, a large black shape emerges from the light. Moving like nothing seen on earth, it lunges forward at an astonishing speed and swings it's large pointed arms at him.
Dan, fearing for his life, quickly backpedals. Then he turned and ran like he'd never done in his life. The creature had not stopped, it was trailing him at a constant pace, it's four sharpened legs producing a rythmic clicking on the vinyl.
Dan moves faster. He comes to the womens section and slows to catch his breath. Out of the corner of his eye he notices something, a womans stelletto heel shoe. Dan grabs the shoe and places his palm over the heel with his fingers either side of the sharp point. Whatever this was, he wasn't going to let it get the better of him. He stood there for a time before the creature appeared at the end of the aisle. Dan looked around, despite a few changing areas it was a dead end. He turned back to creature which had now come two thirds of the way towards him. The creature had stopped it's persuit also and it seemed to be hissing quietly to itself. 'What are you doing?' Dan thought and tensed himself ready for whatever was next. The creature gave a sudden high pitched scream and lept forward into a charge, Dan held onto the heel more tightly and he thumbed it unconsciously "Come on you fucker" he seethed and lunged into a charge himself.
The two warriors continued to barrel towards each other until they met in the middle.

 

*dan is 65 year old man.. his wife died not long ago.. death comes to greet him in the store.. he tries to fight it off perceiving it as some jetblack nothingness monster.. he runs tries to escape... eventually the monster sucks him to it's core where he finds a bright light.. he tries to claw his way out but is swiftly sucked into the light... where he emerges thru the light into 'heaven' where he is reunited with his loved ones.. blah blah.. his body is discovered by an assistant dead from a heart attack*

umm.. my suggestions..

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Punk Bitch Wank:
i would like to say again so you know cos i really want you to know that i never said i love him. Jusy in case you were woundering. whe i liked him i told hiom <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

are you typing that thru a burning mist of tears??

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herrkommandanten Küppler:
lookit that.. i arrive at nurseys and she still has the original draft i sent her with my suggestions for a reason the guy gets attacked by a monster in a store...
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>PimpDaddy:
your "story" ed was...

"recently widowed elderly man is in store.. gets locked in.. is dragged into pit by dark monster"
(ok so i was a little out.. it's been a long time since i read that 1st draft.. i just remember saying it needed a point, and suggested one)

my idea was..

"recently widowed elderly man is in store.. lights go out he thinks he's locked in.. tries to escape dark entity that is after him... entity catches him... he realises that it was death and he gets reunited with wife.. store springs back to life we find it was all in his mind as he died"


Disorder:
thats a load of bollocks and you know it, because i already had the damn story idea, with the white mist of 'heaven' and the black creature.. i already had the lights go out, i already had the damn shop assistants find him dead. and you just wanted a chase, so i put one in. dont go fucking lying now pimp.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Herrkommandanten Küppler:
are you typing that thru a burning mist of tears??<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

A burning mist a bacardie goggles... I think it was... and tears yes maybe tears from kicking myself for actually thinking he was ok...

 

Doesn't anyone have fun on MSN anymore?

 

nope...

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

Phew!

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Cheezedawg the Insane:
This is sad. You know Ed.... if I knew you really did love Kitana... I wouldn't have said any of that stuff. I'm not one to move in on someone's girl if they are in love and shit. If I offended you... I apologize. It was wrong of me to assume you didn't want you even though the posts made it sound that way. If you still want her, I'll stop yaking about her in the forum. Sorry dude.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Cheeze, a man wise beyond his years.
I only read worlds tonight, after asking Wank what this thread was about *DOH*, cos I couldn't really be arsed reading it at first. But come on, it's over and done with, let's all forget it. I spoke to Kit once, and yeah, she was pretty fucked up, but if this has done one thing it's got her out of here and maybe (hopefully) into the real world and she might just get somewhere. She'll get over it in time and start boosting her self confidence and do something with her life.
I just wish her luck, I quite liked Kit, she was funny.

 

Is that why Katini hasn't posted in here for a while? Because of Ed???

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Disorder:
if you have my first draft, and you have my second draft(the draft that i had writen from your advice), then explain to me what you actual point was? apart from adding a longer 'chasey' bit and changing some word-play. your *idea* pimp was based on my story with a couple of extra bits, you did not add anything of any real substance.. although it did sound slightly better, i will grant you that.
i was still happy with the original, even though it wasnt perfect.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

ok ed... read what you said before.. saying you already had the idea of heaven or an after life, you already had the shop assistants find him dead....

and the part where you said my only advice was to add a chase scene

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

you know... that bit where you call me a fucking liar...

then read the first and second drafts i managed to procure as evidence... notice in the first there is no mention of afterlifes, or shop assistants finding him dead, and a lovely exciting 'hollywood' chase scene.... compare with the second.. with afterlifes, shop assistants, and not much of a chase...

ed you call me a fucking liar with no evidence to back you up... in fact when i find and post the drafts, they show that i was right all along, and you were the one lying...

why don't you admit you are a bullshitter.. and this time, like most other times since the worlds thread, you have been lying thru your teeth to try and wriggle and squirm and come out with some semblance of 'cool'

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Disorder:
i wasnt ever a cunt to her. then she read a converstation where i'd let my stupid drunken flirtacious nature take over me and got mad and started the worlds thread<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

another distortion of the truth... you had already 'been a cunt to her'
after she confronted you over your flirtation with wank... told her she was worthless and nothing and your friendship was over and it was all her fault... thats when she got mad and started the worlds thread... after you had 'been a cunt to her'

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

why the fuck should we move on when you haven't even apologised for threatening my girlfriend, just tried to make excuses for it... sliming faggot asshole

 

sorry people, the lack of pimps brains has lead me to write this new epic. skip it if you wish.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

why the fuck should i apologise to your girlfriend when she hasnt apologised to me at all. and neither have you for being your usual arrogant self.

you both deserve diddly-squat from me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> another distortion of the truth... you had already 'been a cunt to her'
after she confronted you over your flirtation with wank... told her she was worthless and nothing and your friendship was over and it was all her fault... thats when she got mad and started the worlds thread... after you had 'been a cunt to her' <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

another poor assumption., if you would ever stop to remember that i was intoxicated to the point where i could not see and could not think straight. then you would not be so bold in saying what you say.

i can remember exiting the MSN window, so then she posted part of the original message back to me when i was just about to exit and laughed at me.. dont go thinking it was just one-way, it wasnt.. then i had a go at her, because i couldnt even remember inviting her into the original conversation and at the time i was so fucking gone i just thought she was using some kind of spyware prog. i realised my mistake when she posted the full thing in here. i have had my punishment, it is apparent

stop attacking me like she is your best friend, i did more for you and your shit ideas than she ever did.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> then read the first and second drafts i managed to procure as evidence...
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

there is no difference between my original:

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> Dan stood at the entrance and studied the clothes in the store with great interest. "Shall I go in?" He considers, trying to remember the last time he bought himself anything. After 5 minutes he reluctantly places a foot down onto the warm golden carpet that welcomes him.


An assistant approaches him from behind and coughs"Hu-hum." Dan, at that point, almost has a heart attack and turns to face the imposing youngster. "Sorry sir" the kid says. "Store closes in twenty minutes." Dan nods and turns back to the rack he was browsing.


For a moment his thoughts wander back to his wife, he's missed her greatly since the accident. He remembers the great times they had shared. Suddenly, he realizes the time he was wasting and moves to pick up a shirt when an enormous crash interrupts his train of thought. Dan looks around but sees nothing.


A little scared, he turns and runs to the end of the aisle where he stops, slightly out of breath and looks from left to right; nothing.


"Hello?!" He calls out, to which there is no reply. He quickly picks up pace again and moves over to the direction he came in. Dan stops abruptly. "Oh my god!" he exclaims as he looks at the giant steel doors that block the entrance. He walks over to the grating and puts his fingers through the gaps. "Hello?!!" He calls out, but the entire mall has been deserted. "Anybody?!" He shouts again. "Somebody?! HELP ME!!" His voice becomes a little agitated and he looks around "How long have I been here?" He asks himself not really sure of the answer, "five..or ten minutes, if that." and turns back to the empty mall. "Heelp!! Meeeee!!!"


Slowly the mall darkens, as one by one each of the lights are turned off. "There must be someone here!" he mutters. So he shouts again; "Hey!! Anybody there?!" Get me outta here!!!"
Eventually his throat starts to ache with the shouting and he coughs, and falls to his knees. The lights flicker and he looks around, a little puzzled and very scared at the turn of events. The lights diminish and complete darkness ensues.


From the darkness, barely audible at first, a low trembling begins to emanate.
He looks up to see a small white glow coming from one of the aisles. "What the fuck?" He says and quickly stands.


The trembling becomes a deep growl as Dan approaches it. It's a glowing sphere radiating pure white light and he stares at the center for a short time, then without warning, a large black shape emerges from the light. It lunges forward at an astonishing speed and swings it's large pointed arms at him. He ducks just in time. The creature pulls itself out of the light and onto the shop floor. He's trapped! The creature moves up to Dan and places a jagged limb either side of him, Dan stands there in sheer terror as more limbs come from behind the black wall and wrap around his legs.


"Get off me!" He shouts and pushes against the giant, but it is hopeless. Still with four limbs touching the floor, the creature reverses its direction and starts its descent back into the light. He shouts again and puts up as much resistance as he can. At the last moment he extends his arms so that he won't fit within the sphere and grabs onto the edges as if they were surfaces to hold. He struggles against the enormous force that's pulling him inside and gasps, then slowly, his fingers start to slip, another then another. "Nooo Please!!" Finally he gives out with a terrifying scream.

Dan's eyes snap open, he cannot see for a thick white haze covering him, there is no pulling anymore and he thinks he can feel a surface under his feet. He looks at the ground but his waist and anything below it is shrouded by the dense white fog.


Then he hears a familiar voice; a womans voice "Dan." He looks up, and is totally astonished at what he sees. "Julie!" he says, a massive smile on his face. "But you..you are dead? I..I don't understand" "Yes you do" she replies and extends a soft white hand. He looks down at it and takes a hold of it with his.

"Hey boss!!" the assistant calls out. "We got a problem here!!"
From the back of the store, the manager hurries up to where the kid is yelling from and freezes in horror. A peaceful looking man, his eyes closed, lays outstretched on the shop floor, his hand resting over his heart.


"Get an ambulance then!" The manager barks and within 20 minutes the paramedics are busying themselves around the body. "How did he...y'know..go?" the manager asks as they wheeled the body out of the door. One of the medics looks up, "Heart attack. Guy was 65. Looks like he just .. died. Without warning."
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

this was a revise on *tense* only, if you remember? probably not.. you helped me by moving the mixed tense to past tense, but i had already gone through and changed it to present tense in my copy.. you didnt add a thing. what *I* added, between the two, was your 'chase'

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> ..it lunges forward at an astonishing speed and swings it's large pointed arms at him. Dan, fearing for his life, quickly backpedals. Then he turned and ran like he'd never done in his life. The creature had not stopped, it was trailing him at a constant pace, it's four sharpened legs producing a rythmic clicking on the vinyl.
Dan moves faster. He comes to the womens section and slows to catch his breath. Out of the corner of his eye he notices something, a womans stelletto heel shoe. Dan grabs the shoe and places his palm over the heel with his fingers either side of the sharp point. Whatever this was, he wasn't going to let it get the better of him. He stood there for a time before the creature appeared at the end of the aisle. Dan looked around, despite a few changing areas it was a dead end. He turned back to creature which had now come two thirds of the way towards him. The creature had stopped it's persuit also and it seemed to be hissing quietly to itself. 'What are you doing?' Dan thought and tensed himself ready for whatever was next. The creature gave a sudden high pitched scream and lept forward into a charge, Dan held onto the heel more tightly and he thumbed it unconsciously "Come on you fucker" he seethed and lunged into a charge himself.
The two warriors continued to barrel towards each other until they met in the middle. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

now i dont know what happened to the rest of that version you posted

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

there are all of them in both copies, except for 'not much of a chase' where the copy you posted finishes at 'not much of a chase' anyway

my original:

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

my oringal contains everything i have said minus your chase.


<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> ed you call me a fucking liar with no evidence to back you up... in fact when i find and post the drafts, they show that i was right all along, and you were the one lying...
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

at least i dont keep evidence against people to hurt or humiliate them later. i am not as low as you, you fucked up dick dribble.
i also dont keep files i dont need.


ooh, 'i was right and you were wrong' nahnahnah. i should point out that you and nursey have been wrong quite a lot of times since the world thread. its what started this little war.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

sometimes i am a bullshitter, but not to my friends. you are so gullable, yet you had the nerve to call me it a few weeks ago.
i know things, just like you do.
my friends have no worries, if they put something in my trust then i keep it that way. just keep going pimp, i dare you...

 

OOOoooooH! He dared you...
Go on Pimp, I dare you too! Just spare us anymore epic 'short' stories from the pair of you eh? Your starting to wear out my scroll wheel again...

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> Dan stood at the entrance and studied the clothes in the store with great interest. "Shall I go in?" He considers, trying to remember the last time he bought himself anything. After 5 minutes he reluctantly places a foot down onto the warm golden carpet that welcomes him.


An assistant approaches him from behind and coughs"Hu-hum." Dan, at that point, almost has a heart attack and turns to face the imposing youngster. "Sorry sir" the kid says. "Store closes in twenty minutes." Dan nods and turns back to the rack he was browsing.


For a moment his thoughts wander back to his wife, he's missed her greatly since the accident. He remembers the great times they had shared. Suddenly, he realizes the time he was wasting and moves to pick up a shirt when an enormous crash interrupts his train of thought. Dan looks around but sees nothing.


A little scared, he turns and runs to the end of the aisle where he stops, slightly out of breath and looks from left to right; nothing.


"Hello?!" He calls out, to which there is no reply. He quickly picks up pace again and moves over to the direction he came in. Dan stops abruptly. "Oh my god!" he exclaims as he looks at the giant steel doors that block the entrance. He walks over to the grating and puts his fingers through the gaps. "Hello?!!" He calls out, but the entire mall has been deserted. "Anybody?!" He shouts again. "Somebody?! HELP ME!!" His voice becomes a little agitated and he looks around "How long have I been here?" He asks himself not really sure of the answer, "five..or ten minutes, if that." and turns back to the empty mall. "Heelp!! Meeeee!!!"


Slowly the mall darkens, as one by one each of the lights are turned off. "There must be someone here!" he mutters. So he shouts again; "Hey!! Anybody there?!" Get me outta here!!!"
Eventually his throat starts to ache with the shouting and he coughs, and falls to his knees. The lights flicker and he looks around, a little puzzled and very scared at the turn of events. The lights diminish and complete darkness ensues.


From the darkness, barely audible at first, a low trembling begins to emanate.
He looks up to see a small white glow coming from one of the aisles. "What the fuck?" He says and quickly stands.


The trembling becomes a deep growl as Dan approaches it. It's a glowing sphere radiating pure white light and he stares at the center for a short time, then without warning, a large black shape emerges from the light. It lunges forward at an astonishing speed and swings it's large pointed arms at him. He ducks just in time. The creature pulls itself out of the light and onto the shop floor. He's trapped! The creature moves up to Dan and places a jagged limb either side of him, Dan stands there in sheer terror as more limbs come from behind the black wall and wrap around his legs.


"Get off me!" He shouts and pushes against the giant, but it is hopeless. Still with four limbs touching the floor, the creature reverses its direction and starts its descent back into the light. He shouts again and puts up as much resistance as he can. At the last moment he extends his arms so that he won't fit within the sphere and grabs onto the edges as if they were surfaces to hold. He struggles against the enormous force that's pulling him inside and gasps, then slowly, his fingers start to slip, another then another. "Nooo Please!!" Finally he gives out with a terrifying scream.

Dan's eyes snap open, he cannot see for a thick white haze covering him, there is no pulling anymore and he thinks he can feel a surface under his feet. He looks at the ground but his waist and anything below it is shrouded by the dense white fog.


Then he hears a familiar voice; a womans voice "Dan." He looks up, and is totally astonished at what he sees. "Julie!" he says, a massive smile on his face. "But you..you are dead? I..I don't understand" "Yes you do" she replies and extends a soft white hand. He looks down at it and takes a hold of it with his.

"Hey boss!!" the assistant calls out. "We got a problem here!!"
From the back of the store, the manager hurries up to where the kid is yelling from and freezes in horror. A peaceful looking man, his eyes closed, lays outstretched on the shop floor, his hand resting over his heart.


"Get an ambulance then!" The manager barks and within 20 minutes the paramedics are busying themselves around the body. "How did he...y'know..go?" the manager asks as they wheeled the body out of the door. One of the medics looks up, "Heart attack. Guy was 65. Looks like he just .. died. Without warning."
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


if you have my first draft, and you have my second draft(the draft that i had writen from your advice), then explain to me what you actual point was? apart from adding a longer 'chasey' bit and changing some word-play. your *idea* pimp was based on my story with a couple of extra bits, you did not add anything of any real substance.. although it did sound slightly better, i will grant you that.
i was still happy with the original, even though it wasnt perfect.


<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

i liked her a lot, so i put faith into what she did in this world. i had no idea that anything you said to her was just a joke, it seemed serious to me and if i hadnt of been so open with everyone then my posts could easily be represented as a 'joke' too. but she knew, and everyone else knew, that i liked her a lot, maybe even to the point that i said i loved her and there is nothing wrong with loving a friend.
you dont have to apologise, anything that i ever had with her is over now because the people in this place like making me out to be a cunt, when in actual fact i'm only a cunt to them and they deserve it. i wasnt ever a cunt to her. then she read a converstation where i'd let my stupid drunken flirtacious nature take over me and got mad and started the worlds thread.
much like i said before, if this had been a real problem in a real world, where i lived just down the street, she would have seen how fucked up i was that night and maybe i would have got a second chance.
i regreted everything, like people do when they've upset someone they liked. the people in here made it hard for me to express my feelings so i lost that chance.

i have more important things to do than to post epics about my past. its time to move on people...

 

damn strait...
this is a big deal about nothing!

 

Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting episode.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Disordorrhea:
there is no difference between my original:<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

.. ed the version you quote as 'your' original is actually the later draft...

if you look carefully... above the 2nd 'short story' i posted, in between the asterisks, is the revisions i advised for the story, which you implemented in the later version,the first one i posted...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

erm?? what exactly??... i've never asked you for help for my 'shit' ideas, and i never will...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

you dare me??.. sounds threatening.. what exactly will you do???... post my address??.. carry out your earlier threat to post nurseys address??... post private details she's shared with you in the past