THE BEST JOKES

Discussion in 'Jokes, Funny Stories and other Text.' started by glyn gurn, Sep 9, 2003.

  1. pimpchichi

    pimpchichi Active Member

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    7,197
    that's it glyn.. get your mates to sign up and stick up for you...
     
  2. Dr.Roboto

    Dr.Roboto New Member

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    979
    lmao, i loved that little come back KaosLite. i bow to thee.
     
  3. Abelcade

    Abelcade New Member

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    2
    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

    The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

    ------------------
    Carpet cleaning Manhattan Beach
     
  4. Coleman64

    Coleman64 New Member

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    A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

    The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

    When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

    hipaa compliant
     
  5. PrinceJ

    PrinceJ New Member

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    2
    Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
    various disorders.

    "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

    "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

    "You must tell me what you did."

    "I went to a faith healer."

    "But I've tried that. My husband and I
    went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

    The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
    ----------------------------
    Chicago liposuction
     
  6. efficient

    efficient New Member

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    3
    Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

    The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

    Electrician Phoenix
    Mesa Electrician
     
  7. msalexander

    msalexander New Member

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    3
    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!
    Online Computer Courses
     
  8. CIngram

    CIngram New Member

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    3
    Supplemental Rules for Bowling

    If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".

    When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.

    After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.

    When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.

    After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".

    If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.

    A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy. Podiatry NYC
     
  9. MartyV

    MartyV New Member

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    7
    Two cannibals were sitting at a campfire eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
     
  10. zzXeRoGoDzz

    zzXeRoGoDzz New Member

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    1
    WHAT DO YOU CALL A COW WITH NO LEGS..........................................................................GROUND BEEF
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2012
  11. Allister

    Allister New Member

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    2
    Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer." "How can you tell?", inquires Harry. George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

    letterboxes
    mail box
     

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