"I like an escalator cause an escalator can never break...it can only become stairs! you will never see an 'escaltor temporarily out of order' sign just 'escalator temporarily stairs...sorry for the convenience...we appaulagize for the fact that you can still get up there'" Mitch Hedberg-Strategic Grill Locations "Acid was my favorite drug cause acid opened up my mind...because of acid i now know that butter is way better than margerine...i saw through the bullshit! When i was on acid i would see things like beams of light...and i heard sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns! When we were on acid we would go into the woods cause when you're in the woods trippin there's less likely a chance that you would run into an authority figure...but we ran into a BEAR...that was even more of a buzz kill! My friend Duwane was standin there raisin his right hand...swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and he put his arm around my shoulder and said, 'Mitchell...smokey is way more intense in person...he's an asshole!' i went to england to tell jokes...i wanted to do the smokey the bear joke in england so i had to ask the english if they knew who smokey the bear was...but they don't...cause in england, smokey the bear is not the forest fire prevention representitive...they have Smackey the Frog!...it's just like a bear, but it's a frog!...and i think that's a better system, i think we should adopt it...because bears can be MEAN!...but frogs are always COOL! there never has been a frog hoppin towards me...and i thought, 'Man, i better play dead! here comes that frog!' i've never said, 'here comes that frog!' in a nervous manner, it's always like optomistic, 'Hey here comes that frog!...ALRIGHT!...maybe he will settle near me...and i can pet him...and put em in a mayonaise jar...with a stick and a leaf...to recreate what he's used to...and i'll certainly have to punch some holes in the lid...cause he's damn sure used to air!...then i can observe him...and he won't be doin much...in his 16 ounce world!' i like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears...whenever there's a frog around, i don't have to hang my fuckin sandwiches from a branch! a frog knows they are for me...he'd rather have a fly...cause a fly zig zags...and my sandwiches do not! if i want some honey on some toast i don't have to squeeze a plastic frog!" Mitch Hedberg-Strategic Grill Locations
