WOMEN are like football grounds*!!! (*soccer stadium)

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width,
thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership
standard but in reality would not even be eligible
as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never
mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling
the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the
back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to
the goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the
pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent
goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can
sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which
don't get hosed down as often as they should.

18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two
evenings a week.

21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month, although this can be longer if you piss the
owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead.

22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being
allowed to play on the turf.

23. Don't forget that if you use your hands in the area you may be
penalised.

24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask
the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good
idea to re-mark it in white each time you play.

25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose.

26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man on for the climax of
the game. You shouldn't bring him off too soon.

27. It is best not to admit to having played on a plastic pitch