...when you reetards were still in napies. _______________BEGIN STORY______________________________________________________ ~Date: 6 May 90 15:52:08 GMT ~Reply-To: derrick@ritcsh.UUCP (Derrick Williams) Organization: Computer Science House @ RIT, Rochester, NY ~Lines: 105 On a related note I once was at a friend's house and he had a new litter of gerbils that had been born a few weeks ago. We took them out of the cage and played with them on the dining room table. They were almost fully grown, about the size of a man's palm. My friend hadn't named the gerbils yet, because there were so many of them. It soon became apparent that these gerbils would start another new litter if my friend didn't get rid of them. So we were deciding what to do with this problem when he broke out a case of beer. We drank and played with the gerbils all through the evening. The little gerbils were making turds all over the table and little puddles of piddle leaked here and there. We would pick them up by their tails and put them on our shoulders, all the while knocking back some brew. We tried to give the little critters some of it but only one deigned to take a little sip of it. I guess at that time we drank most of the case of beer and we were pretty wild. We started playing toss with the little furry creatures and I tried juggling them. Well, in our drunken state we weren't doing too well so we took them to the kitchen to see what fun things there were to do with them. Well, this house was a bit old fashioned, and one of the implements was a red meat grinder, you know, one of those things you put meat in a funnel and turn the handle and it comes out in itty bitty peices? Yeah, well we were just pretending to be putting one of the gerbils in, you know, and we were laughing like maniacs like it was the funniest things in the world. My friend was shaking, and I think he lost his grip. At any rate, we couldn't find the gerbil. It must have fallen somewhere. So we stood around trying to look through the haze to try to figure out where it went. We heard little sqeaking noises in the funnel of the meat grinder, and in a fit of hilarity, we spun the handle a few times. Man, you never heard such a noise. The little bastard had fallen in, and when my friend turned the thing, the gerbil let out an ear peircing squeak, and you could hear little scratching sounds in it. blood was starting to dribble out of the exhaust thingy, which we thought was absoulutely thigh slapping. So we would turn the handle a little, making a <GRIND> sound,and the the little guy would go <SQUEAK>, so we were going <GRIND><SQUEAK><GRIND><SQUEAK><GRIND> <SQUEAK> and man, was it a riot! Pretty soon it stopped making noise and this horrendus mess was dribbling all over the sink so we gave it up and tried to find the rest of the furry rats. My friend told me to gather up the rest of the critters and he would be right back. Well, in my stupor, I could hardly stand still, so picking up the animals who had run loose all over the kitchen was pretty hard. I picked them up and put them back on the kitchen sink. I was a bit clumsy and I happened to step on one, making a loud snap. The poor guy was was lying squashed, his arms twitching around like he was trying to get up or something. There was blood running out of his ears. Man, was it a sight! I picked it up by its tail and tossed it playfully at my friend who ran in with an kitchen implement. He showed me the Qusinart he had gotten from the basement, and boy, did we have a fit! We absolutely shrieked with laugher as I gathered up the furrballs that were running around in the sink. We put them in the yellow chamber in the modern cusine wonder. Well, it wasn't easy, what with them climbing out. We got them all sealed in, with the top we had to try a few times to make it snap in place. Boy, you shoulda seen those guys in that tight space! They were jumping all over each other and looking through that plastic, sniffing at it and putting their paws up against it when we tapped on it. Their beady black eyes looking at us inqusitively and their noses twitching. Well, we couldn't hold off the temptation anymore; our sides were splitting. So as I laughed like a maniac, my friend's hand thumped firmly on the "on" button. Oh, wow! Those Gerbils leaped like crazy, like when you shake a box of marbles. The blade wasn't doing too well as those mangled gerbils got caught on the blade and were frantically waving their paws as the machine grinded. This one guy had his lower adbodmen ripped off and you could see the wet insides, and he was crawling around in his front legs. There was another with half his face sliced off and he was rubbing it with his paws like he was wondering what was going on. At any rate, my friend tried to get the blade unstuck by pushing the "Pulse" button a couple times, and the Qusinart was going "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!" , which just barely masked out the racket the critters were making. Finally, the darn creatures stopped moving around, and then the blade went "clakety clackety clackety" as it grinded up the little gerbil bones. We couldn't see anything in it after that, as there was this reddish brown paste smeared all over the sides with bits and peices we were trying to figure out which belonged to which gerbil. We were really going at it, but then the effects of the beer was finally taking its toll, so we decided to call it a night. I crashed in his living room couch nd chuckled myself to sleep, as he fumbled upstairs. So the moral of this story is that you should only puree' little animals in a meat grinder or a Quisinart. How many "man" sized animals do you know that can be placed in such a small place? Have you tried this with ferrets? How do you know what is true? Well, facts are facts, buddy, and you shouldn't do this with turtles or other animals that are hard to grind up. God didn't make Man small enough, which lead to the fact that we have to depend on tiny creatures for entertainment. Wocka wocka, and until next time, Derrick \ _________\____ /______/ /___\ |______/ _/_____| Holy Temple Of Jolt Swiggin' Dudes |_--.__/ / / _/_| "We Never Sleep" |_\ / __\| |\ \__| |\_(_/ /_|__/\_\_| |____/_/__COLA___| Derrick Williams, Chief Acolyte |___//___________| |2x the caffeine.| EECC |________________| |The Switch Is On| Rochester Institute of Technology \______________/ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Of course, somebody always feels a need to respond to such things... --------------------------------------------------------------------- >sheeesh.. talk about sick minds, if I'd ever walk in sombody doing something >like that, I'd surely grab the first heavy thing in sight and bash his knees >and elbows until *they* knew what it is like to be savagely mangled. Don't you think that it is pretty sexist to only think that males can enjoy a good rodent?
Hey "Feltch" - do you always feel the need to quote Ulfur in your polls? Honestly, an ounce of creativity couldn't hurt, y'kno...
