it was my birthday last wednesday... i spent the day being a miserable twat under a black cloud... i kept my eyes fixed to the dirt 'cos everytime i looked skywards i kept seeing this so-called milestone kicking the shit out of the silver lining that should've stayed in bed... i told my family and friends to keep it all low-key... 'cos next years the big-one.. the milestone... pah!.. millstone more like... "wha-heyyy.. your 30th next year.. FUCKING PAAAAARTYYY!!!"... but what's to celebrate??... consolidating the awareness of my own mortality??... 'one small digit on my age.. one giant leap towards the grave' unfortunately my F&F took me a bit too fucking literally... when i said "don't make a fuss" i really meant "buy me things to cheer me up.. distract my miserable ass from my miserable ass"... i got 3 cards (mum & bf, dad & s-mum, grandma & grandad) and 2 gifts from my dad & s-mum... one of those things for grating up skunk.. and a cannabis leaf mousemat... which i have to admit raised a ghost of a smile 'cos i don't have a pc at home anymore... anyway... yeah.. therapy... the old adage goes.. "if you want something doing properly.. do it yourself"... if the extravagant gifts are not lavished on monchichi... then monchichi will just have to buy his own fucking kickass birthday present.... and y'know.. retail therapy really does work.. 'cos i've had this tingly glow inside since i splurged a 3 figure sum on my 29th birthday present to myself.... and unlike my previous flirtations with shopaliciousness... this tingly glow will last for quite some time.. 'cos i bought myself the one thing i've been wanting for AAAAAAAAAAAGES.... in approximately 69 hours my humble abode will shed humility... (this is a GOOD thing... humility is a refuge for those who're too scared to look god in the {metaphorical} eye.... what's the fucking point in that? seriously.. i know words are inadequate to express the glory of god.. {and i'm not talking about that malevolent make-believe bastard the jews invented.. as if omnipotence gives a shit} ..but seeing as god is infused in the everessence of my entire being... then that makes me just as indescribabellehh glorious... i am part of god, god is part of me, i am god, god is me... therefore i cannot cower in fear and avert my gaze... i will look my god square in the eyes with mutual love and respect... and in that stare recognition is birthed... god knows me - i know god.. and we are brethren.... .i often like to take my god for a walk in the sunshine ... and you know what... we both find the sight of humble cowering meeklings hilarious... "if only they knew" slips across my mind.. but they are closed to knowledge because they find comfort in their fear) whoah.. rantyassfucker there.. anyway.. my little boudoir will soon transminogriphlinsposify into my own little heaven... a pleasure palace that provides a home for a: AMD Athlon XP1800+ PC, with 512MB RAM and a 40GB HDD and a 16x DVD-ROM and a 48x18x8 CD-RW there's 32MB of graphics onboard and sound... but they're just scraps of flesh to make my bare-bones pc workable... they're mere shadows thus far.. and i've already put out the tendrils that will bring me a geforce4 4800ti and a SB audigy platinum... and i heard it through the grapevine that a 19" TFT monitor might have "CHICHI" emblazoned on it.... and some kind benefactor is about to propose a DVD-RW donation if i allow copyright thieves to utilise any processing power i have going spare... man i could slap myself i'm so happy... and the price of my happiness??.. £219 ex vat... or £257.33 inclusive.... b-b-b-bargain! oh and my therapy didn't begin and end with the ch-ching of the cash register.. oh-no.. i've been doing some kickass lucid dream type shit... maybe i'll tell you about it after i click 'ADD NEW TOPIC' hmm.. should i read this through before posting?..... NAHHH clickyclickyclicky
so yeah.. the dreams... well i've been really overfucking tired this past coupla weeks... i've been falling asleep with carol vorderman and waking up with john snow... but on the subject of dreams... i've never remembered them perfectly.. just the 'story' if you will... and i've remembered the feelings i had more than what i'd seen... and the visual memories are more of a re-enactment in my head than actual memories... trying to hold onto a visual record of a dream is like trying to scale the north face of the LA smogbeast... if you try to get a firm hold it just will-o-the-wisps away... but one thing i thought i knew about dreams.. something i've read countless times... i've even read it on the internet so it must be true... there is no colour in dreams... they're in B&W.. like all the good movies (are you listening doc & morticia XOXOX wubyeww *hehehe*) i don't know how this became the established fact.. it's just something i've never questioned.. when i've found myself stood in a crowded square all of a sudden.. with no clothes on.. and in the presence of all the people in whose presence i ought to feel embarrassment in an embarrassing situation... i don't take much notice of the spectrum, or lack thereof... i'm guessing i marvel at how majestic my monochrome nakedness looks... because in all honesty.. i'm one fucking hot bitch in the buff... if i didn't have a spine i'd fuck myself raw ... even god seems to gaze at me in heavenly awe... i can see it in his eyes.. he's thinking.. "he's all that.. with wit, charm, intelligence & magnetism too"... and he's wishing he really was the anthropomorphic personification that the jews have brainwashed mankind into cowering before... 'cos then he'd have a omnipotent fuckytoggle to rub around my loins... but enough about gods unrequietable homoerotic fantasies involving me... we're talking about my dreams not monsieur ****elujah's... well i had just nodded off during one of richard whiteley's jollicisms... and my body was undergoing that thing i don't particularly relish.. y'know when you're still more or less awake.. but your brain cuts off from your body and you can't move... usually i drift into that state.. y'know slip briefly into blackness and then back to lucidity.. to find i can't move.. the logical part of me knows that i should just relax and it'll soon pass.. but i'm a sucker for slipping into panic mode.. after all.. it's so exhilarating... so i always seem to make superhuman efforts to move any part of my body... unfortunately it's like quicksand.. the more i struggle the less chance there is of me escaping... 10 times out of 10 i end up having to rouse myself in the "nightmare" stylee... y'know.. literally jolting myself awake.... jesus listen to me waffling on... i'm still packed to the gills with the "just bought a new 'pooter" brand of adrenaline.. anyway.. normally i end up in this 'awake but unable to move' state without realising it's where i'm headed... but this time was different... i laid down.. closed my eyes.. and... remember in the matrix.. when neo gets sucked into the mirror.. that electrified scream type noise... well thats what it was like with my brain unplugging my body... now i don't normally have nightmares.. 'cos from a very early age i've been able to control, or influence the direction of my dreams.. but this unplugging thing.. thats the closest thing i can think of to a nightmare for me... there's an actual medical term for it... it's the opposite of sleepwalking or something.. and theres a term for that too... apparently the body does it to prevent me from acting out whats going on in my dreams... otherwise i'd be scaring the gentle folk of oswaldtwistle when i fly over them like the hellspawned angel of humanity that i really am... obviously there's a way to cheat the rigor sleeptis thingy... which is to blur the boundaries between unconsciousness and consciousness... but that would involve the ingestion of psychedelic compounds which i do not condone in any way whatsoever... the annals of urban myth are filled with stupidfuck teenagers taking trips and trying to fly... without the self-belief necessary to pull it off... i mean.. who's ever heard of a teenager that isn't in the clutches of self-doubt and angst.... hmm... i seem to have stumbled along a path that doesn't lead to my point... monochrome dreams.. ah fuckit i'll click 'add reply' and try again
so there i was.. asleep.. chip from chip n dale had just kissed goofy in the ****.. and cruella de ville was being a whiny bitch 'cos chip and goofy were trying to steal her thunder as always.. it was her day etc.. now chip was dragging goofy into the other apartment to pretend to have sex loudly.... because it's been happening a lot lately.. my dreamself figured that the TV was having an influence on my dreams.. a while back i used to get really swept along with those dreams.. but that was because i never used to sleep with the TV on and it was all new to me... but it didn't take long for me to realise what had happened.... from the plotline of my disneyfied dream and through visual association i worked out that it was between 6 and 6:30 and friends was on ....(yeah yeah i know... but it's hard being without a pc or the internet at home... after i've been buttered up by 'the city gardener' and 'how clean is your house' {which i enjoy because it makes my house seem less of a slovenly shit-tip} friends doesn't seem quite so mind-numbing) ..... anyway.. now i'd gotten a handle on reality outside the dreamworld i became a lot more lucid.. i was surveying my current situation without the 'dream-goggles' on.. though still dreaming.. my conscious mind had become aware and was absorbing this new experience... now i could have woken up at that point... but there was fuck-all to watch on TV and i hadn't got my DVD player back from my mate yet... instead i decided to filter out the TV's interference and explore my dream landscape.... i was in a field... it was a bright sunny day... and the bushes in the distance were full of blossoms.. there i was thinking away "my god.. my minds as beautiful on the inside as i am on the outside".. then it struck me... those blossoms are bright RED!.. and the grass is green (though not grassy green.. more a flourescent green) ... now this revelation might not seem all that much to knuckle grazing dullards such as yourselves... but to me it was like the lifting of a veil... and once i became aware my conscious soared.. i was able to take in more and more of my surroundings... and remember them... now you have to remember.. though i may have been asleep.. in actuality i was wide awake.. in my dreamland... and let me tell you... it's far better than drugs... in fact.. truth be known.. the scenery was exactly like the visuals i get when on psychedelic drugs.... kindof like a monet painting at first glance... an illusion made up of lots of little strokes... but when i further scrutinised the individual strokes they revealed themselves to be seperate living images all to themselves... mandalas i could have fallen into a trance staring at these kaleidoscopic images.. and most likely drifted back into unawareness... but i was determined to carry this dreamawareness into my waking conscious.... i don't know how i knew.. but i knew that the visuals.. they were how the world really looks.. and to an entity that is connected on a primal level the whole world looks alive with energy and connected like this.... but we are unable to connect with the energy... because we don't face the world openly as ourselves... we interact with the world through an avatar... from the moment we achieve self-awareness in our early childhood we become insecure... if i am aware of me then you are aware of me.. and i am aware that you are judging me... so i put on a mask.. i begin to act not as i would naturally.. but in a way that garners acceptance... society is absorbed in it's etiquette and rules...and as society absorbs us we become absorbed with fitting into it.... because we are interacting with the world through a protective gauze.. constantly conscious of appearing 'on-message' we lose the ability to see the world as it really is... with eyes that are not blurred by fear.... we are receptive to the true nature of existence... but we filter it out.. kindof like the way you can filter out sound... but our subconscious records the unfiltered view.. and when the conscious mind rests.. the subconscious reconstructs the world as it is from memory and revels in the playground.... it's now 5 days since i had that dream.. since i woke up... and the experience is still fresh in my mind... i look around and everything still looks "as it should".. but if i let go of my sense of individuality... empty my mind of ME.. then reality starts seeping through... and i see the fronds of energy that intertwine through everything and everyone... i see colour as it should be seen... i can FEEL the colour.. taste it, smell it... y'know i have to be careful about recounting my experience.. and relaying the knowledge of which i am now aware... i feel like waking up the whole world... letting everyone share in the joy i'm bathing in... but society has become so far removed from this reality.. that they fear and shun it.. everyone has a faint lingering memory of it... because they lived in it before they noticed "ME" and memories started... but to acknowledge the memory and give it substance would be to breathe life back into the things left behind in childhood... if we accepted the world is different to how we perceive.. then who knows.. tinkerbell might never die.... i've told a couple of my closest friends about my dream.. and about perception.. obviously they didn't scream for the men in the white coats... but i saw a flicker in their eyes... discomfort... sadness.. they've seen through the unfiltered eye before.. when we used to bang acid all the time.... but, like me, when the trip got too far adrift of reality... they hurried.. back to life (back to reality).. because nobody wants to do a 'keith moon' do they... mind you.. i didn't go into as much detail with them as i am now... but there i could gauge their reactions and adjust the detail accordingly.... but here you got it full and unfettered (and meandering.. but do i look like i give a fuck) .... oh yeah... and i got my DVD player back the night after... and fell asleep watching matrix reloaded.. .. and it played on and on and on all night..... that's a motherfucker of a film to intrude in your dreams i'll tell ya..... oh yeah.. i don't stay awake all the time when i'm dreaming now y'know... believe it or not it got fucking boring... being hypnotised by those mandala things would have livened it up... but they just lull you back to sleep and submerge you fully in the dreams again... which is what i usually do now if i wake up in dreamland again... i won't make a habit of wandering awake in my sleep... been there-done that- flexed the mind muscles etc.... time to go home... 65 hours to zero-hour... i'd better phone BT and get my phone reconnected..
if i wasent so mullered i cud probably come up with something more than... Fuckin Christ! on the brightside you can spend the next 60 hours polishing ur discarded "computer owner" badge
I will read all the dream posts when I have more time, but damn, do you realize you will have traveled a distance of 17,522,670,001 miles on your birthday? (Without regard to the movement of our own galaxy through the universe, of course).
I am a compulsive spender. I dream in color. I don't care what anyone says... I have insane dreams... I was trying to help Hugh Hefner kill someone in his ballroom the other night. He was all alone.... no bunnies in sight. He was about to die... he WILL die soon. He's what? 104? I have had two dreams in the past week that America is going to be blown all to hell. The last one took me to a military base where we found tons of bodies, one with a sex doll named, "Angie"... still in her box. I picked her up and was looking at her when the one of the dead guys came to life and took the doll from me and started fucking her. Had a dream about a car wreck in which the car caught on fire. I could see people burning and could smell their flesh. All of the sudden, it was the day before and I was trying in vein to find these people and warn them of what was to become. It was like quantum leap or something... The driver's brother had set up the accident to kill them all.... I never did save any lives and in the end, their gravestones were in my closet. Damn if I can remember the names... only one I can remember is Irene. Hmmm.. I dream about death a lot which is supposed to mean the ending of a phase (or am I thinking tarot cards?) Anyway... muscle relaxers are kicking in and I'm going to go to sleep now.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nauseous: I dream about death a lot which is supposed to mean the ending of a phase (or am I thinking tarot cards?) <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> In tarot cards, the death card means a great change or turning point I think. Not actual death.
ah the tarot. Death in the tarot rules Scorpio, my sign. in the small cards i am Disappointment. Each small card rules a decanate of each sign in the zodiac. some trumps rule signs, others rule planets. tarot is: the picture book of the universe.
oh! one more thing... i'm positive that at least some people dream in colour. i remember distinctly, a dream in my youth which involved three elves. one was a bright shade of grass green, another was blood red, and the last was a dark cerulean. i also had a dream about loony toons throwing me off of a cruise ship once. that was definately in colour.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR> Originally posted by some dumb 'occult-like' website: A death within a dream usually denotes imminent or current transformation, a new birth or a new beginning Completion, ending, finality Something that needs to released or changed Dreaming of the dead may suggest suppressed grief Given that spouses serve as powerful mirrors, dreaming of the death of a spouse may symbolize dying to unwanted personal traits or aspects of self, which are usually perceived as the spouse's shortcomings Although the interpretation of death is rarely this literal, it may indicate an actual death of someone, or anxiety about the possibility thereof.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
hmm.. well i reckoned that maybe i was experiencing amazing technicolour dream crap cos it was daytime and some light was managing to worm it's way into my brain... anyway.. the computers now at home... i am just back from picking it up... i've come round to my mums to have my dinner... y'know i still haven't read what i wrote in those posts up there.. maybe when i've more time... oh and BT won't reconnect me until i've paid off my last bill... cocksmokers... so i'm waiting for NTL to get back to me with a date for the engineer to come hook up cableshit
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by PimpDaddy: y'know i still haven't read what i wrote in those posts up there.. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That's okay. I'm sure no one else has either.
