Alot of great jokes to tell to the kids, grandparents, or anyone one of your fucked up famliy members. Have fun Q: What do you give teh pedophile who has everything? A: Another parish. 157 Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A: You can't hide dead children in a gay man. 156 Q: What's red and has more brains than Kurt Cobain? A: The wall behind him. 155 Q: What's a two-syllable word that begins with the letter N that you never want to call a black man. A: Neighbor 154 Q: Why does a dog lick it's penis? A: Because it can't make a fist. 153 Q: Why do Paedophiles love Halloween? A: Free delivery. 152 Q: How do you get a black kid to take a shower? A: Open a fire hydrant and start selling crack on the other side of the street. 151 Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage. 150 Q: Why did Hitler kill himself? A: He finally got his gas bill. 149 Q: How long does it take (insert favorite ethnic group here) to take a shit? A: 9 months. 148 Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie? A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot. 147 A man walks into a local pub and proceeds to drink 13 pints of beer, one after the other. The completely drunken man takes a seat and begins to cry out loud so the local patrons walk over to him and say "You alright man? Whats the matter ?" The man replies, "I had my first blow job today!" The locals reply, "So why are you crying then?" The man replies, "I can't get the taste out of my mouth." 146 A man can't figure out what's wrong with his wife so he takes her to a doctor. After examining her, the doctor tells the guy, "It could be one of two things, Alzheimers Disease or AIDS, the symptoms are very similar." The man looks puzzled, and the doctor says, "This is what you need to do. Take her far out into the woods and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her." 145 Q: How can you tell when a female midget is menstruating? A: She keeps tripping over the string. 144 Q: What's the hardest thing about having AIDS? A: Convincing your mother that you're Haitian. 143 Did you hear one of the Rice Krispie elves has Tourettes Syndrome? Now they go, "Snap, Krackle, Fuck!" 142 Q: What's Superman's new weakness? A: Everything. 141 Q: What's yellow and goes, "cheep cheep"? A: A Chinese prostitute. 140 Q: How do you make a dog sound more like a cat? A: Light it on fire. 139 Q: How do you stop Superman from moving? A: Tape his mouth shut. 138 Q: How do you practice cunnilingus on a black woman? A: Suck warm mayonnaise through steel wool. 137 Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again." 136 Q: What's the best way to remove unwanted pubic hair? A: Spit. 135 Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts. 133 Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish. 134 Q: What's the difference between a bag-lady and a hockey player? A: A hockey player changes his pads after every three periods. 133 Q: What's the worst part about giving a cat a bath? A: Cleaning all the hair off of your tongue. 132 Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? A: Ethiopian 131 Q: What's funnier than a drunken clown. A: A drunken clown with Down Syndrome. 130 Q: What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? A: Nailing it to a dead puppy. 129 Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have check books? A: Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint. 128 Q: Why hasn't there even been a woman on the moon? A: It doesn't need cleaning yet. 127 Q:Why don't paraplegic play Ping-Pong? A:Their wheelchairs won't fit on the table. 126 Q:How do you punish a leper? A:Make them do jumping jacks till something falls off. 125 Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs? A: 'Nice tits' 124 Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period? A: She's only wearing one sock. 123 Q: What's the fastest way to a woman's heart? A: Through the rib-cage. 122 Q: Who are the two most famous black women? A: Aunt Jemima and Mother Fucker. 121 Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair? A: Because if you drag them by the feet, they fill up with dirt. 120 Q: What's the difference between Bee Arthur and an old shoe? A: You could eat an old shoe if you had to. 119 Q: What's long, black and smelly? A: An unemployment line. 118 Q: What do fat people do in the summertime? A: Stink 117 Q: Why do women have periods? A: Because they deserve them. 116 Q: What do you call a Puerto Rical midget? A: A spec. 115 Q. What is the difference between pussy and apple pie? A. It's ok to eat your Mom's apple pie. 114 Q: What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? A: His girlfriend has a higher sperm count. 113 Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949. 112 Q: What did Dodi Al-Fayed say to his driver the morning before the crash? A: Do you want to go out with me and Di tonight? 111 Q. What's the difference between a hooker and an onion. A. You don't cry when you chop up a hooker. 110 Q. What's red and white and wears a funny hat? A. The Pope, with an axe in his face. 109 Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robbs your house? A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway. 108 Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza? A: A pizza can feed a family of four. 107 Q: Why do brides usually dress in white? A: Because most kitchen appliances come in white. 106 Q: Why is it so hard for Mexican women to get pregnant? A: Because as soon as the sperm enters the cell it tries to hang itself. 105 Q: What's this (pretend to bite at your wrists) A: Jesus biting his nails. 104 Q: What do you do with a one legged dog? A: Take it for a drag. 103 A man goes to his doctor and says, "I need to get some birth control for my 10 year old daughter." The doctor looks at the man in shock and asks, "Your 10 year old daughter is sexually active?" "No", the man replies, "She just lies there like her mother." 102 Q: What's black and white and can't fit in a phone booth? A: A nun with a spear through her chest. 101 Q: What does Superman eat for breakfast? A: Kryptonite, by the looks of him. 100 Q: What is this (picture: bite at your shoulder with your teeth and bring forward, do both shoulders)? A: Superman putting on his cape. 99 Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant? A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm. 98 Q: How do you starve a Mexican? A: hide his foodstamps under his workboots. 97 Q: What's black and has 23 tits? A: The garbage bag outside of a cancer clinic. 96 Q: What sits in the corner all day, taking a piss? A: A dialysis machine. 95 Q: Why don't blind people go skydiving? A: Because it scares the shit out of the dog. 93 Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes. 93 Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? A: Christopher Reeve after a fire. 92 Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: A baby with burst armbands. 91 Q: Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A: Because her lipstick. 90 Q: What do rednecks and KFC have in common? A: They do chicken right. 89 Q: What has 4 legs and one arm? A: A Doberman in a children's playground! 88 Q: What was Helen Keller's Dog's name? A: "MUUGGGWHRRRGHHWWMMMMFFPPHH" 87 Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive a car? A: Because she's dead, you idiot. 86 Q: Have you ever seen Helen Keller's house? A: Neither has she. 85 Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common. A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer. 84 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesnt' matter. It's not going to come to you anyway. 83 Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? A: Call her. 82 Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney. 81 Q: What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died? A: Nothing. 80 Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries. 79 Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women? A: Keno. 78 Q: What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole. 77 Q: What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? A: He wiped. 76 Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby. 75 Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. 74 Q: Why is it such a drag to screw a cow? A: You have to climb down from the stool and walk around to the front, every time you want to kiss it. 73 Q: Why do women have breasts? A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries. 72 Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon? A: A sheep. 71 Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because sheep don't have strings. 70 Jesus walks into a hotel. He slams down a hammer and some nails on the reception desk and asks, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?" 69 Q: Why do you wrap a hamster in electrical tape? A: So it doesn't explode when you fuck it. 68 Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. 67 Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhea. 66 Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio the other day? And the windshield, and the steering-wheel, and the ashtray.... 65 Two peodophiles on a beach. One turns to the other and says: "Get out of my sun" (works better spoken) 64 A man was digging in his garden when his next door neighbor approached him and asked, "What are you doing?". "Burying my goldfish"; the man replied. "That's a big hole for a goldfish.", said the neighbor. "Yeah, well, it's inside your cat." 63 Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts? A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away. 62 Q: What does a 300lb gerbil do? A: Puts Gay people up it's ass. 61 Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? A: Drowns 60 One night, Bob receives a call from the Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I'm afraid I have some bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Bob says, "My God. What's the good news?" "I'm kidding." The doctor says, "She's dead." 59 Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin. 58 A girl and a boy were at the back of a movie theater, kissing passionately. When they came up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?" To this, the girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis". 57 Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her tongue was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, " a bit sour." 56 Q: Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first? A. Who gives a fuck? 55 Q: Why couldn't they sell the mercedes that the princess died in?? A: Cos it's got Di all over it!! 54 Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A: One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak. 53 Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? A: You know she'll swallow. 52 Q: Why did the redneck cross the road? A: Because he coundn't get his dick out of the chicken. 51 In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery...Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. 50 Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer? A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. 49 Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub? A: Stew. 48 Q: What has a million legs but can't walk? A: Jerry's kids. 47 Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,Gary, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?" Reluctantly, his roommate lubes up his finger and inserts it in Bruce's ass, feeling around, he says, "I don't feel anything." Bruce replies, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and forces it into Bruce's ass. He feels around, and to his suprise, pulls out a Rolex watch. "I found your problem." Gary says. "There was a watch stuck up your ass." Immediately, Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 46 A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. As he approaches the bar, the bartender exclaims; "Fuck me! Where did you get that from!?" To this the parrot replies "Africa. There's fucking thousands of them there." 45 Q: Where does Princess Diana do her shopping? A: Nowhere, she's dead. 44 Q: Why did God create yeat infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too. 43 Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina? A: The woman. 42 Q: What does a redneck say after sex? A: Thanks Mom. 41 Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A: Quarter pounder with cheese. 40 Q: How do you know if a woman has an orgasm? A: Who cares! 39 Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bowling balls? A: You can't use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls. 38 Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old? A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume.... 37 Q: What's black and blue and hates sex? A: A rape victim. 36 Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick. 35 Q: Whats the difference between George Michael and a microwave? A: A microwave stops when you open the door. 34 Q: Why is my penis bigger than yours? A: Because I'm jerking off right now. 33 Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death? A: Because he's in a wheelchair. 32 Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex? A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women. 31 Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables? A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done. 30 A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your vagina?" "Fuck off, no your can't smell my vagina!!! "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then". 29 Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds? A : Half a dog 28 Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl? A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. 27 A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like some candy?" The girls looks over and says "My mom told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dick." 26 Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed? A: When the big hand is on the little hand. 25 A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck." 24 Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant". The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first". 23 Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy 22 Q: What's red and climbs up you leg? A: A homesick abortion. 21 Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? A: Crib death. 20 Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand? A: You cant gargle sand. 19 Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick". 18 Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ? A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face. 17 Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded. 16 Q: What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbor have in common? A: Cockpits full of bloody seamen 15 The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said 'bad dog'. 14 A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation. Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day." Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!" Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?" Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter." 13 A man starts coming on strongly to his new date. "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?" 12 Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas. A: Cancer. 11 Q: Where does Princess Diana stay while in Paris A: Anywhere she can crash. 10 Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia 9 Q:Why is there always hot water at childbirth A: In case of a stillbirth, soup. 8 Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: A nun on her period. 7 Q: How do you get a baby to run faster? A: Chase it with the lawn mower. 6 Q: What's the difference between george Michael and a microwave? A: You can't brown your meat in a microwave. 5 Q: What do you do when your wife comes to you with two balck eyes? A: Nothing. You've already warned her twice. 4 Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her. 3 Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: Kick his sister in th chin. 2 Q: What is a redneck virgin? A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers. 1 Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
