Last night as I was walking home from an evening of debauchery, I happened to take a wrong turn somewhere passed Theydon. I ended up wandering aimlessly (oh alright, drunkenly) through a twisting maze of country roads where I came upon a man dressed in nothing but a thong made of bottlecaps and a blue silk cloak. "Come with me" he said. "We will follow the winding path to the Great Blue Castle and I will give you your hearts desire". "Yeah I'll bet you will" I retorted shaking my head before hurrying past. I ambled along down a few more paths and then low and behold! A lovely young maiden appeared around the next bend wearing nothing but a thong made out of bottle openers and a yellow silk cloak. "Come with me" she said. "We will follow the winding path to the Great Yellow Castle and I will give you your hearts desire". "Now this sounds more promising" I said before noting the significence of the bottle openers " Actually luv d'ya mind if I dont, I prefer women who can open beer bottles with their genitalia alone" and once again I hurried on. Presently I came upon an alien being waiting for me in the middle of the path. It was large, red and scaly with a thong made out of beer bottles and a red cloak. "Come with me" it said. "We will follow the winding path to the Great Red Castle and I will give you your hearts desire". Now by this time I was feeling quite weary, the alcohol weighing heavily both in my bladder and on my brain. All I wanted was empty my bladder and go to bed. "Come on then" I said "get on with it". With that there was a tremendous crash (like the sound of a person falling through a table) and a myriad of lights swirled around my head and then....blackness. i woke up this morning in my own bed and went rushing down the stairs to tell my Mum. For some reason even in the face of all the evidence she refused to believe my tale of derring do. But I ask you, how else do you explain the fact that I made it home to my bed and woke up this morning drenched in urine with a bottle of beer in every orifice?!!!! (However I never did find out what accident befell our coffee table) Oh well maybe I should've stuck with the young maiden, pelvic floor muscles be damned!
