Laxatives are fun

With my recent tooth surgery I got a lot of nifty drugs. I got back on solids 2 days ago and found out Penicillin makes me constipated!!! FUN!

So I keep a a bottle of laxative in the fridge for just in case after my last problem. So I drank it before bed last night. I'm surprised I didn't projectile shit all over my wife and bed last night. Not kidding.

So this morning I woke up from my alarm and hit snooze. Then I heard a gurgle followed by a flowing gurgle followed by my asshole puckering up.

Then the band tuned up and I was off! man it was a fucking shit bath to turn a phrase I felt like I raped and killed the toilet. It looked like that one scene from Dexter on Showtime when he walked into the hotel room.

But I feel better now.

 

You may need to take an Imodium to counter the effects. I used to keep both handy when I was dieting (Atkins will bind you up).

Lax on, lax off......

It's hell keeping that balance but if faced with a choice, I'd keep the free-flowing stools over the turd plug.

 

No doubt and when the plug goes it comes out like a fucking slug from a 12 gauge.

 

Magnesium citrate ain't no fucking joke. It comes out, it comes out screaming

 

That's it! You know it comes in Cherry & Lime. They don't taste bad. If I worked at a sonic I would so have some on me at all times to mix into peoples Cherry Limeades.

 

I would have given you some of my Zoloft. You'll shit water.

 

the lime one is untraceable in mountain dew.

 

Mountain Dew is disgusting. You could probably mask a lot of nasty stuff in it.

 

*Note to self*

If offered a beverage by Grim or Dwaine respectfully deny.

Atkins never stopped me up, just eat a handful of Russell Stovers Sugar-Free M&Ms. You can shoot shit through a keyhole at 100yards with that combo.

 

Atkins is dead. Pass the bread.

 

It wasn't the penicillin, it was the Lortab.

 

Yeah, opiates constipate the hell out of you. I was on Percocet after a laparoscopy and I didn't shit for days. When I did, I gave fucking BIRTH to this turd. It was the size and shape of a campbell's soup can.

 

Uh. I think I saw a video of that once, it was a german shiza video.....

 

This had happened to me twice in my life. Once was for making fun of a Dulcolax commerical and the second from the Percocet. I thought I was going to have to go to the ER and have it sucked out. I'm suprised I didn't tear my perineum.

 

I think the worst thing about looking back and seeing a soup can sized turd in the bowl is the realization that, if even for a moment, your bunghole was that big around.

 

Actually after giving birth to it, I felt bad flushing it down the toilet. We developed a bond in that grueling 45 minutes.

 

You know, had you been dating Bobby Brown he would have stuck his finger up your ass and broken it up with his fingernail. Kinda like ASSTEROIDS.

 

45 minutes of ass labor is like 7 hours of vag labor

 

If I had a pair of chop sticks, I would have done it myself.

 

It has to be. And I had no drugs or epidural. I had to sweat, almost vomit and nearly pass out from it. I was so afraid that I was going to die face down on the bathroom floor with that feces baby dancing around the bathroom like a Sumo-sized Mr Hanky.