A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring with rain outside!!." His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk. Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up. All the other bells started to ring............ So a pirate comes walking into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his dick and bellies up to the bar. "Yarr, gimme a drink, barkeep…" The bartender, astounded, says "Sir, you have a steering wheel hanging off your dick!" "Arrr! I know, it's drivin' me nuts!" Two explorers are lost in the forest when they get captured by a tribe of natives. The leader approaches the first one and says: "You have two-choice. Death..... or UNGA-BUNGA!" The first explorer says "Well, I don't want to die. I'll take unga-bunga." All night the whole tribe takes turns getting him in the ass, until he crawls away the next morning half dead with blood and cum dripping out. The leader approaches the second explorer. "You have two-choice. Death..... or UNGA-BUNGA!" The second says "That was disgusting! I'd rather take death!!!" The leader thinks for a minute, then says "Ok, Death.... by UNGA-BUNGA!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too." A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME" Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 US leader Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal. Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on. Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration.
