This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?" John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you." Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?" John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass." Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..." Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?" Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..." John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us." Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?" Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..." Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?" John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town." Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?" Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and he kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?" John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money." Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?" John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it." Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?" Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street." Me: "What's that got to do with Hank? John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'" Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game." John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you." Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..." Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank." Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?" John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on." Me: "Who's Karl?" Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times." Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?" John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself." John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on From the desk of Karl letterhead. There were eleven items listed: 1. Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars when you leave town. 2. Use alcohol in moderation. 3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you. 4. Eat right. 5. Hank dictated this list himself. 6. The moon is made of green cheese. 7. Everything Hank says is right. 8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom. 9. Don't drink. 10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments. 11. Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you. Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead." Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper." Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting." John: "Of course, Hank dictated it." Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?" Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people." Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?" Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right." Me: "How do you figure that?" Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good enough for me!" Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up." John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too." Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of reen cheese,' which is just plain wrong." John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure." Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..." Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese." Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese." John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!" Me: "We do?" Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so." Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'" John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking." Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?" Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong." Me: "What if I don't have a bun?" John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong." Me: "No relish? No Mustard?" Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!" Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?" Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la." John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..." Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time." Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
I love these posts... I don't know if anyone posted this before (I seem to have some recollection - I'm losing it in my old age...), but it's interesting nonetheless... THE DEATH TOLL -- PEOPLE, CITIES & NATIONS SLAUGHTERED BY GOD OR ON HIS ORDERS The number dead is stated to the left of each bullet point. Where the number of dead is uncertain, there's a question mark. I have placed an asterisk by my personal favorite "acts of God," as far as meanness and utter disregard for innocence or guilt. Anyone who thinks TV is violent should read this book. The random unjustified slaughter is amazing. Killed by God: ? -- Drowned everyone in the whole world except for Noah and his family (Genesis 7) 1 -- Saltified Lot's wife (Genesis 19:26) ? -- Burned all of the people of Sodom and Gomorrah (except for "good" Lot who offered his virgin daughters to a mob of men and then slept with both of them himself later)* (Genesis 19:24) 1 -- Slew Er, Judah's firstborn son (Genesis 38:7) 1 -- Er's brother, Onan (38:10) ? -- The firstborn in all of Egypt* (Exodus 11:4) ? -- Drowned the Pharaoh and all of his gang in the Red Sea 2 -- Nadab and Abihu for making a fire ? -- Burned some Jews for complaining ? -- Sent a plague against Jews for being greedy 11 -- Sent a plague on Jews who gave the chosen land a bad report (Numbers 14: 36-37) ? -- Korah and other Jews who didn't like Moses 14,700 -- Sent a plague on Jews apparently for the hell of it "many" -- Sent serpents on Jews ? -- Philistines 50,070 -- Jews who looked in the Ark of the Covenant* 1 -- Nabal for scorning David 1 -- Uzzah for touching the ark when trying to keep it from falling* 1 -- David and Bathsheba's child 70,000 -- Sent a pestilence because David sinned* 102 -- Sent fire down on Ahaziah's men 42 -- Sent bears to kill children who mocked Elisha* ? -- Sent lions to kill invaders 185,000 -- Assyrians 80,000 -- Lots of bad Israelites Killed on God's orders by the Jews: ? -- Jacob's sons killed every man in Shechem 3,000 -- Jews worshipping the golden calf (Exodus 32:27) 1 -- Man gathering wood on a Sunday ? -- Canaan ? -- Took the city of Heshbon from the Amorites ? -- All of the people of Bashan 24,000 -- Jews who followed Baal ? -- All Midianites except for the virgin girls ? -- Everyone in Jericho but Rahab, a hooker who betrayed her city ? -- Achan and his family(who had nothing to do with it) for stealing ? -- Everyone in the cities of Ai, Makkedah, Libnath, Jarmuth, Geder, Hormah, Arad, Addellam, Bethel, Tappuah, Hepher, Apheh, Lasheron, Madon, Tasnach, Megiddo, Kedesh, Jokneam, Dor, Goiim, Terzah, and all of the Amorites 10,004 -- The men of Bezek ? -- The people of Jerusalem, Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai ? -- The people of Zephath, Gaza, Ashkelon, Ekron, and the king of Moab, Eglon. ? -- The army of Sisera and the men of Karkor ? -- Jephthah destroyed 20 cities ? -- Samson killed 30 men who solved his riddle, the Philistines, and tons of people when he died 50,100 -- The men of the tribe of Benjamin ? -- The tribe of Jabesh-gilead ? -- The Ammonites, the Philistines and the Amelekites 331,269 -- killed by David for various reasons 3 -- Solomon killed a few people too ? -- All of Jeroboam's extended family ? -- All of Baasha's extended family 450 -- Prophets of Baal 793,000 -- All Jewish Baal-followers 127,000 -- Arameans 1 -- Man who wouldn't strike a prophet ? -- Moabites 172 -- Jezebel, Ahab's sons, Joram, their priests, and their friends 142 -- Ahaziah's relatives ? -- All of Baal's followers 1 -- Athaliah for killing sons 1 -- Mattan the Baal priest 10,002 -- Edomites and two servants ? -- All of the pregnant women in Tirzah* 20,000 -- Hezekiah killed a bunch of people 500,000 -- Israelites killed each other 50,000 -- Ethiopians 23,000 -- Seerites 510 -- Haman's army 75,300 -- More of the army Grand Total: more - vastly more - than 399,933 people killed by "God" This doesn't include those killed in undetermined numbers, including, for example, the entire population of the world at the time of Noah, 3 cities, and other such incidences not enumerated in the Bible There are more than 2,017,956 people killed by followers of God. ...not even counting the 65 cities they destroyed without seeing fit to give any numbers. Makes Islam look about as violent as Richard Simmons...
Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
