A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?" The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ... he said he never had one!" ----------------------------------------- A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar loses at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where did you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" asked the guy. "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." ---------------------------------------- "The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel. "Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel. "No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."
