Ok ,so I wrote a cheesy poem/song. I am not finished with it. I would like your opinion. It is not based on any of you in this forum, as much as you will try to claim it is. The story is based on my speculation of what the main character in a biblical story might have really been feeling. (a man that was supposedly demon possessed.) The story follows the poem if you wan to read it. The man was obviously mentally ill. I just am wondering what he was experiencing, what his perception was ect. (Humor me on this if you will.) An unfinished song/poem in D Minor. Slow, Haunting melody appropriate for a graveyard. Verse - Curled in the darkness of the night, afraid to close my eyes. A tombstone is my pillow, the night absorbs my cries. The smell of death surrounds me, my heart pounds in my chest. Alone again, without a friend, I’m consumed by the emptiness. and I cry, the tears hot on my cheeks. and I cry, “is there any hope for me?” and I cry, “please help me, I’m so weak” and I cry, and I cry, and I cry. They say that I’m a lunatic, and often I’ve been bound. But I break the chains and shackles, and terrorize the town. Oh why are they afraid of me, can’t they see that I’m alone? The pain within exceeds the sin, and I cut myself with stones. As the blood runs down me, I hear the voice again. It sounds so real and distance, but I know it’s from within. Oh why does he despise me? Does he think I chose this fate? I scream to quiet the voices, yet still I hear his hate….. “get away from me, you’re sick and vile.” “I don’t know you. You’re not my child” “Your mother, my lover, that much is true. “But it’s not my seed that lives in you ” now go….far away from me now go …live the life you seek now go…you chose to be a freak now go, just go, just go. Why do I walk this downhill path, when I know what’s at the end? Why do I fear the darkness, if death is my best friend? Can there be a remedy, for this sickness called alone? Is there a sword sharp enough to pierce my heart of stone? and I cry, the tears hot on my cheeks. and I cry, “is there any hope for me?” and I cry, “please help me, I’m so weak” and I cry, and I cry, and I cry. Him I see approaching,, does he come to seal my grave? Or does he come to free me, of this emptiness and rage? So much like my Father, his eyes pierce through my soul Yet something very different, when he says to me “now go” “Now go”, inside me death recoils “Now go” from me evil boils. “Now go” he beckons me come near “now go,” and I’ll go, with you” (copyright 2004,etc etc) Barry For reference - Mark Chapter 5 1They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes.[a] 2When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. 4For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones. 6When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won't torture me!” 8For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you evil spirit!”
Maybe if I write the next one in crayon and use words that rhyme with "tits", then will you read it? Barry
[/quote] and they said you'd never fit in here...[/quote] It just occurred to me that this forum is a reversed family system of misfits. (Yes I realize I just labeled my self a misfit. Don't waste a reply pointing out the obvious) In this family - Replies=Love Kindness=Weakness Anger=Passion Silence=Hurt or Fear IM's=Family Secrets Insults=Bonding (Sex) Compliments=Apologies Hate=Passionate Love So to all my forum family- You suck, I hate you, I'm never speaking to you again. You're all lame, stupid, and disgusting and I hope that Santa brings you bricks for Christmas. :evil: Man it feels good to be family! Barry
wait.. that should read SATAN brings you brings, not SANTA brings you brings. Any chance that someone has actually read my stupid poem? Barry
Well everyhting I write I think I need to improve on, works in progress untill I die, then it wil be unfinished works that needed to progress I guess... here is a link to a story that i have been working on, for about 2 years now, yea its only a few paragraphs , but I have lots more done, the guy just dosnt update very often http://www.passengermay.org/ I'm well, it should be pretty easy to figure out what writer I am...
Ok, I liked it. Suggestion - lose some of the doubled words and add ons. Shorten sentences too. I learned that at "having" is used twice in the same sentence, as is "spot," "heard" and "few." "Basically" is an add on word, and just muddies the sentence. Original - The rats,having lived a very sheltered life,and never having heard a little girl scream and definitely never having heard a large man scream like a little girl, began to run around in circles and basically freak out. A few died right there on the spot, most just ran in a disorderly fashion, and a few of the smarter ones ambled off to find a nice, comfortable spot to die of fright. Suggestion - The rats lived a very sheltered life. Never had they heard a little girl scream, and definitely had not witnessed a large man screaming like a little girl. Fright claimed a few on the spot. Others ran around frantically in a most disorderly fashion, while the brightest ambled off to find a comfortable place to die. I am not an expert on writing. Like music, (piano) it seems to be close but not quite in my grasp. So this is just a suggestion, not a lesson. Thanks for letting me read it. Barry
and they said you'd never fit in here...[/quote] It just occurred to me that this forum is a reversed family system of misfits. (Yes I realize I just labeled my self a misfit. Don't waste a reply pointing out the obvious) In this family - Replies=Love Kindness=Weakness Anger=Passion Silence=Hurt or Fear IM's=Family Secrets Insults=Bonding (Sex) Compliments=Apologies Hate=Passionate Love So to all my forum family- You suck, I hate you, I'm never speaking to you again. You're all lame, stupid, and disgusting and I hope that Santa brings you bricks for Christmas. :evil: Man it feels good to be family! Barry[/quote] so my when i reply with "FUCK U, U UGLY MOTHER FUCKER" what i really mean is: "i'd love to have passionate sex with you?"
Fuck the weak assholes here who doesn't undderstand creative urges. It was well written, dark, but well written.
Pretty Much. (My wife objects however, and spoils the evening for us.) Oh yeah :wink: , and I hate you too! Barry
That's the point surely? Things tend to 'end' abruptly. There is rarely a long panoramaic camera shot with a gradual fade and sweeping music. It stops. So the poem is fine.
