1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead ... Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow ... Do not walk beside me, either ... Just leave me the fuck alone! 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's car, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. 15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 16. Don't squat with your spurs on. 17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. 19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. 28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 29. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
I'm beginning to really like that ebonics translator... 1. Do not ankle behind me, 4 I may not laid ... Do not ankle ahaid o' me, 4 I may not follow ... Do not ankle beside me, eitha' ... Plum laive me da damn fuck monk-like! 2. Da journey o' some grand miles begins wit' some broken fan belt an' some laiky tyre. 3. It be 24/7 nightest b4 dawn. So's if u r fixin' t' bite yo' neighbour's Caddy, dat's da time t' do it. 4. Sex be likes air. It be not important unless yo' ass aint gittin' no. 5. Don' u be irreplacaible. If yo' ass caint be replaced, yo' ass caint be promoted. 6. No one be listenin' until yo' ass make some mistake. Amen! 7. 24/7 rememba' u r unique. Plum likes everyone else. 8. Neva' test da damn dept' o' da damn wata' wit' bot' feet. 9. It may be dat yo' sole purpose in life be simply t' serve as some warnin' t'otha's. 10. It be fah' mo' impressive when otha's discova' yo' badass qualities without yo' help. 11. If yo' ass think nobody cares if u r alive, try missin' some couple o' Caddy payments. 12. B4 yo' ass criticize somecat, yo' ass should ankle some mile in deir shoes. Dat way, when yo' ass criticize them, u r some mile away an' yo' ass have deir shoes. 13. If at fust yo' ass duzn't succeed, skydivin' aint 4 yo' ass. 14. Give some dude some fish an' he will chew 4 some day. Learn him how t' fish, an' he will sit in some boat & drink 40 all day. 15. If yo' ass lend somecat $20, an' neva' spot dat sucka' again, it wuz probably wort' it. 16. Don' u squat wit' yo' spurs on. 17. If yo' ass tell da troof, yo' ass duzn't got'ta rememba' anythin'. 18. If yo' ass drink, duzn't park; accidents cause sucka's. 19. Some kinda' days yo' ass be da damn bug, some kinda' days yo' ass be da damn windshield. 20. True dat. Don' u worry, it only seems kinky da fust time. 21. Badass judgment comes from way baaad 'espuh'ience, an' some lot o' dat comes from way baaad judgment. 22. Da quickest way t' double yo' braid be t' fold it in half an' put it back in yo' pocket. Slap me some skin. 23. Timin' has some awful lot t' do wit' da damn outcome o' some rain boogie. 24. Slap mah 'fro! Some closed mout' gatha's no kicka'. 25. Duct tape be likes da force. Yo' mama. It has some light side & some night side, an' it holds da universe togetha'. 26. Dair be deuce theories t'arguin' wit' hos. Wank, wank. Neitha' one works. 27. General-like jivin', yo' ass aint learnin' much when yo' mout' be movin'. 28. 'espuh'ience be sump'n yo' ass duzn't git until plum afta' yo' ass need it. 29. Neva' miss some badass chance t' shut down. 30. Da bomb! We be born naked, wet, an' hungry. Den shit git worse. Word to yo' mama.
