Cast: Commentators: Brother Bubba, play-by-play Brother Miles, color commentator and Bible Expert Competitors: Pope John Paul II Billy Graham Morris Cerulo Mother Theresa Pat Robertson Oral Roberts Jesse Jackson Benny Hinn Jerry Falwell Atheist Interviewer: Manny Fortaguez ------------------------------------------------------------------- Brother Miles Long: Greetings! Welcome to the first annual Christian Olympic Games. Coming to you live from Jerusalem is Brother Bubba and myself Brother Miles. May the Lord Bless you all today as we come together in Christian fellowship. Brother Bubba, could you tell us about these games? Brother Bubba: Certainly, but first let's bow our heads in prayer and pray as the LORD has taught us to pray. Dear Lord, we come together today in the spirit of competition to praise Your mighty name. We pray that Your Kingdom will come quickly, and we look forward to seeing Jesus in His blood drenched robes returning to earth to wreak Your loving vengeance upon your enemies. In the meantime, we pray that you will give us the strength we need to deal justly and righteously with those enemies that hate you. We will slay them all, man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass, with the edge of the sword, just as you told your chosen people to do to the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites: Although we are unworthy, we also ask that you may provide us with many young girls that have not known man by lying with him, so that we may know them and have 30 sons and 40 grandsons who will ride upon 70 asses. Please forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us, and help us to do Your will. For Your Power is great, Your Mercy infinite, and Your Love eternal. Miles: Amen. Bubba: Now, about the games. This competition is modeled after the decathlon. There are ten events, each based on a real event in the BIBLE. Such Christians as Pope John Paul II, Billy Graham, Morris Cerulo, Mother Theresa, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Jesse Jackson, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, and Robert Tilton are with us today to dazzle us with the LORD's power. Miles: Why, this is the Christian Dream Team! We should see some serious miracles! Bubba: Amen! On a sour note though, an atheist has sued for and won the right to compete here today. He claimed that it would be discriminatory to exclude atheists from these games. Miles: "The fool has said There is no God". Psalms 14:1. That atheist fool shall surely be humiliated, just as Baal's prophets were humiliated by Elijah, in I Kings, chapter 18. Bubba: The events are as follows: 1. foreskin collecting 2. heathen converting 3. casting out demons 4. moving mountains 5. raising the dead 6. walking on water 7. snake juggling 8. lion taming 9. poison drinking 10. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo contest Miles: Should be an interesting contest. Looks as though that atheist won't survive! Hope he gets converted real quick or he's going straight to Hell! Bubba: Amen Brother Miles. Now the first contest is the foreskin collecting contest. Each of the contestants will be taken to the Gaza strip, given a knife, and sent out to collect as many foreskins as possible in a 20 minute period. Each foreskin will be worth 5 points. Miles: King David still has the record for this event: 200 foreskins! Ouch! And that record has stood for almost 3000 years. Don't think that we'll see that one broken today! Bubba: Could you tell us more about that, Brother Miles? Miles: Why, certainly. It is one of the most touching love stories in the Bible, as told in I Samuel 18. David fell in love with King Saul's daughter, Michal, and she was in love with him too. But David was very poor and could not afford the dowry of a King's daughter. Saul told David, "The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines." David was so happy to hear this, that he left immediately and gathered, not 100, but 200 foreskins!!! Bubba: Why, Jesus himself said to always go the extra mile. Looks like King David took that lesson to heart!! Well, it looks like our athletes are in position. Oh! Check out the Pope: he's saying his Hail Mary's as he's sharpening his knife. He means business! Miles: But I think that the "edge" is with our younger competitors. After all, speed is definitely a factor when you're chasing down a Palestinian! And let's face it: the Pope ain't no spring chicken! Bubba: And they're off: Whoa! Look at that Pope go! He's just tackled his first Palestinian and... Miles: MY LORD! His knife hand was so quick, it was just a blur and... Bubba: Look at all the blood spurt from that Palestinian! Why, I think he's... YES, the Pope has lopped off his entire penis! Miles: You've got to admire the Pope's zeal!!! Obviously, the LORD is with him! Bubba: The Pope has now cut his way to the town's marketplace, and pandemonium has broken out! Miles: Why, all you can see is a whirlwind of slashing steel and pissed-off pontiff!! This is amazing! Bubba: Now I see why they call him the Vicar of Christ on earth! Why, if he had a sword coming out of his mouth I'd say this was Armageddon! It looks like the tally so far is: Pope -102 Jesse Jackson - 51 Mother Theresa -31 Morris Cerulo - 6 Billy Graham - 3 Oral Roberts - 2 Jerry Falwell - 0 Robert Tilton - 0 Pat Robertson - 0 Benny Hinn - 0 Atheist - 0 Miles: Amazing. I think the Pope is making a run at King David's record. Bubba: I haven't seen the Pope slow down yet, and there are still ten minutes to go! Oh no, something is happening to Benny Hinn.... Miles: Wow! Looks like Benny Hinn is in trouble. A little Palestinian boy has taken his knife from him, and WAIT!!! OH MY, the little boy has chopped off Benny's penis! Let us pray. Bubba: Look! The Pope has arrived on the scene and he's thirsting for revenge!. He has now taken that evil Palestinian boy's penis, and he didn't even use his knife! Miles: As the GOOD BOOK says: An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.... Bubba: Amen. There's poor Benny, crawling on the ground, searching for his penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa has come over to help him, just like in that wonderful movie "Searching for Bobbitt's Pisser." Oh look, she's found it! Miles: God bless that woman. But what's this? SHE IS KEEPING THE PENIS FOR HERSELF!!! She and Benny are playing tug-of-war with Benny's penis. And it looks like Mother Theresa is winning! Poor Benny must be weak from loss of blood! Bubba: Looks like there are only ten seconds left. We'll give the final tally in a moment. Miles: What have we here??? Looks like.... Yes, it is..... Jerry Falwell is trying to lop off Robert Tilton's penis. Can he get it? Yes!!!! Bubba: Right at the buzzer too! Time's up. Let's go now to Manny Fortaguez our interviewer... Manny: Thanks Brother Bubba. Here with me I have his Holiness Pope John Paul II, who has just given the judges a basket brimming with penises. Your Holiness, our unofficial tally has you at 200 foreskins, tying King David's record. How did you do it? Pope: Well, I just concentrated on the LORD and tried to do his will. Jesus told me, "Just take it one penis at a time!" Manny: Good advice for anyone, coming from Jesus. Do you think getting revenge for Benny Hinn cost you a shot at breaking the record? Pope: No, I don't think so. It happened to be in my path anyway. The LORD guided me there. I am but a tool in his loving hands. Manny: Back to you Brother Bubba! Bubba: Thanks Manny; Your Holiness! Looks like the official tally is in! Oh NO! One of the penises that the Pope collected didn't have a foreskin! Miles: Let's run the instant replay to find out what happened..... Bubba: Hmmm.... Looks like in the 15th minute, amidst all the confusion, he grabbed a Jewish Rabbi by mistake and lopped off his penis. Miles: Ha Ha! That Rabbi won't be going to the Synagogue any more, as Deuteronomy 23:1 tells us: "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter unto the congregation of the LORD." Bubba: Well, the Pope almost got the record. Maybe next year! The final tally is in now. It's official. Pope - 199 Jesse Jackson - 102 Mother Theresa -69 Morris Cerulo - 10 Billy Graham - 6 Oral Roberts - 5 Jerry Falwell - 1 Pat Robertson - 0 Atheist - 0 Robert Tilton - (-1) (injury) Benny Hinn - (-1) (injury) Miles: Jesse Jackson put in a strong performance, but all of Ham's decendents seem to run very fast. Just look at the 100 meter finals in the Olympics. Mother Theresa gave us a strong second half performance, but I think the fight for Benny Hinn's penis slowed her down. Still she's on pace to take the bronze. Robert Tilton and Benny Hinn appear to be unable to continue: it must be humiliating to lose to an atheist! But Robert Tilton may be back later: he has wrapped an oily prayer towel around his stump - there could be a healing coming on! Bubba: Hold on, this just in.... The atheist has removed his pants and is claiming to have a foreskin. Miles: Its True! Oh LORD! He's vaulted past Pat Robertson into a tie with Jerry Falwell. Bubba: I think that this abuse of the rules is disgusting and shameful! He didn't even try to collect other people's foreskins, claiming it was 'immoral'. Miles: Ha! If a righteous and Godly man like King David can do it, it must be OK! Bubba: There seems to be another controversy brewing. Pat Robertson has filed a complaint with the Judges. In it he claims that, according to the Bible, any woman who touches a man's "secrets" must have her hand cut off!!! Miles: I'm afraid that he may have a point there: check out Deuteronomy 21:11-12. "When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." Now it's true that Mother Theresa isn't married, but if a wife can't do it, then no woman can! Bubba: That appears to be the Judge's ruling. The Pope is backing them up, claiming infallibility. The other contestants are also in agreement. They have drawn lots, and Benny Hinn has won the privilege of cutting off her hand. Miles: Look at that grin on Benny's face. Bubba: He picked up the axe and is advancing towards Mother Theresa. I don't know if I can watch this! Miles: Pull yourself together, Bubba! It is the LORD's will. You should rejoice! Now don't let me catch your eye pitying her again! Bubba: Thank you, Brother Miles. I almost sinned! Mother Theresa is praying to Jesus for forgiveness. Miles: Jesus will forgive her once her hand has been cut off! Go Benny! Bubba: (with a loud wail in the background) Whoa, what a chop! He almost got it off with one hit! This next one should do it... Yes!!! Miles: He demonstrated great form! Benny may not get a medal, but at least he leaves these games with wonderful memories that will last a lifetime! to be continued...
