Airline humour

After every flight, Quantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Quantas maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide quickly which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

14. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

15. An airline pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying with us". He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

16. After a real crusher of a landing, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

17. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

 

Ah... oldies but goodies.

 

you got alot of time on your hands girl! typing out all of that. too bad it wasnt even funny.

 

its called cut and paste you useless fuck... Now I see why you fuck black guys... your intulectual equals

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by juicebox:
you got alot of time on your hands girl! typing out all of that. too bad it wasnt even funny.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

As IMC says it was a cut n paste, u really r a dumb cunt.

 

you made that last one up about the midget and hammer, didnt you? it was pretty bullshit.

 

Considering the airport personnel I've dealt with in the past - I believe it.

 

cut and paste or not - UT has no sense of humor and is a loser - full stop. in fact you all are - so cherrio. hope to god that one day you all wake up and realise what pointless freaks you are. good luck. I'm outta here!

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by juicebox:
cut and paste or not - UT has no sense of humor and is a loser - full stop. in fact you all are - so cherrio. hope to god that one day you all wake up and realise what pointless freaks you are. good luck. I'm outta here!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Good, get the fuck out you simple minded, goofy looking, limey bastard.

 

why do newbies register and just post in the jokes forum?.... not that i'm complaining.. it's shit in here anyway

 

Or worse yet...just post an annoying..."Hi! I'm new here!" message. You all notice I just jumped right into the conversations...maybe I was ignorant for not posting one of those sappy-assed messages introducing myself...but who fucking cares?

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by juicebox:
cut and paste or not - UT has no sense of humor and is a loser - full stop. in fact you all are - so cherrio. hope to god that one day you all wake up and realise what pointless freaks you are. good luck. I'm outta here!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

good riddance you piece of trash

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Meikle:
you made that last one up about the midget and hammer, didnt you? it was pretty bullshit.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Didn't you get it when i said it was a "cut n paste".If i'd made it u[ it would have been a "cut n paste" and added bits by me.

 

UT - LOOOOOOOSER - you really are. (had to say that ...i am gone - promise)

 

and Kaptain - you are an example for us all. truely - the way you are just able to 'mingle', chat utter bull shit and 'get along' with everyone, i think everyone feels you here. i am sure they are all very impressed. you go boy / girl (?).

 

Jesus fuckin christ Fuckbox, pissoff already.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by juicebox:
and Kaptain - you are an example for us all. truely - the way you are just able to 'mingle', chat utter bull shit and 'get along' with everyone, i think everyone feels you here. i am sure they are all very impressed. you go boy / girl (?).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I thought you were leaving... are you a liar too?

 

duhhhhuuuurgh....
you are both such fucking dumb ass idiots.

 

SO you have decided to stay then?