Advice for American Tourists In England

Advice For Tourists
>The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
>"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
>the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
>what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents.
>
>If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
>- he will be touched.
>
>The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you
>want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and
>tossers when you walk down the street.
>
>
>Habits
>Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
>with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
>continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or
>three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly
>new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep
>(alarm clocks, alas, do not work
>there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper,
>simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will
>understand and forgive you.
>
>
>Universities
>University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
>quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
>patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own inkpots
>and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these customs
>will signal to the librarians that you are "in the know"- one of the
>inner
>circle, as it ere, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere
>in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both
>cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating
>back to the reign of Henry VI.
>
>One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
>Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
>flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known
>as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
>owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the
>public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
>interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the
>public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to
>protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crispo
>and have it on you when you ask directions to the
>yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
>
>
>Food
>British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime
>gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
>the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
>week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
>afternoon wank
>for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
>UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
>Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
>to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle
>for
>less. If he baulks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your
>head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is
>boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he
>may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
>wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
>grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an
>Ely
>'84
>or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes
>it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you
>plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
>restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>
>
>Transportation
>Public taxis are subsidized by Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in
>London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver
>tries to overcharge you, you should yell, "I think not, you charlatan!"
>then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver
>disciplined.
>
>It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
>required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay
>your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"),
>and state your destination clearly to the driver, eg: "Please take me
>to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
>harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
>Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he
>know you're not so ignorant!).
>
>
>For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
>most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
>Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
>on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of
>the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
>state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
>Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in
>the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century
>by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
>announcement
>"Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look
>towards
>the
>ceiling.
>
>Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are
>considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
>transportation.
>
>
>One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
>airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international
>Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy
>travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
>treatment as you make your way through customs

 

That_was_pretty_fucking_funny...BUT_YOUR'E_STILL_A_FUCKING_DICK!!!(How_did_I_do_Phil!!?!)

P.S.I've_totally_fucked_my_spacebar.

 

isnt it a little thin to fit up your well fucked cunt?

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by unlimited-time:
isnt it a little thin to fit up your well fucked cunt? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Stop torturing yourself with these thoughts,Yoo-Tee...you and me will never be!!!I'm SORRY...ok????Sheeeesh!!

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by unlimited-time:
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
*Shimmy's around slapping own ass singing "Ohhhhhh..I..so..se-ex-seee...sex-seeeee...faw..you..to..seeee...stick it where you want,one,two or three.Take..me..any-way..you..like..P-D"*

 

* crawls on all fours following Nursey round room , tongue hanging slightly out of corner of mouth.
Whispering over and over please let me please let me

 

*snatches VIP access all areas pass with "PimpDaddy" printed on it in large bold letters... wipes UT's drool off of it's laminated surface... saunters off to Nursey's bedroom whistling a nondescript tune... selects a couple of lycralike items from the cupboard and lies on her bed, cock proudly displayed.... watches her luxurious thick long(ish) black hair dance over her naked shoulders and back while waiting for her to finish copy/pasting spaces into her latest post*

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nursey:
That_was_pretty_fucking_funny...BUT_YOUR'E_STILL_A_FUCKING_DICK!!!(How_did_I_do_Phil!!?!)

P.S.I've_totally_fucked_my_spacebar. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

did you have to bring phil into this sheesh! i don't think i could take critisim from such a witty conversationalist, and i know i a fucking dick, thanks for the complement!!

 

...yes,a_complete_DICK_'ED.

 

Nursey u done great but maybe thats jus coz i think that Darkgroovey is a complete dick head!!!!!!!!!