GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage over the last 2,000+ years. Further, God wants to assure each and every one of you that he in no way was responsible for the World Trade Centre attacks. In order to better serve your needs this Millennium, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions prior to Armageddon. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response from Heaven to your comments. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Told Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Overheard in a bar __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [The Trinity Pack] __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ The Buddha __ Krishna __ Zeus and entourage [The Olympus Pack] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ Cosmic Consciousness __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Incapable of being all things to all beings __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Doesn't provide immortality __ Makes mistakes (Pat Robertson; Michael Jackson; Gloria Allred) __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices __ Requires vows or moral disciplines 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to not commit suicide __ Convinced by society __ Needed to know who to blame and despise __ Imaginary friend __ Wanted to meet the opposite sex __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off my parents __ Need for acceptance __ Wanted to assure punishment of my enemies __ Like Organ Music, incense, bells or Gregorian Chants __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ While taking a shower, a loud voice commanded me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Mick Jagger __ L. Ron Hubbard __ The Almighty Dollar __ Bill Gates __ Liberalism __ Conservatism __ John Roger - MSIA __ Ra __ Beelzebub __ The Great Spirit __ The Sun __ Elvis __ Any guy in a robe from India __ Pamela Anderson __ The Moon __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ UFO's __ Fortune cookies or the lottery __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Biorhythms __ Omphaloskepsis __ Alcohol or 'Dope' __ EST __ The Internet __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around in a desert __ Insurance policies __ Teletubbies __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt resence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): A. Disasters: - terrorism 1 2 3 4 5 - floods 1 2 3 4 5 - famines 1 2 3 4 5 - earthquakes 1 2 3 4 5 - wars 1 2 3 4 5 - pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 - plagues 1 2 3 4 5 - SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 - Microsoft software 1 2 3 4 5 B. Miracles: - rescues 1 2 3 4 5 - spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 - lights hovering over desert towns 1 2 3 4 5 - crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 - walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 - VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 - Saddam Hussein / bin Laden still alive 1 2 3 4 5 - easy access to intimacy with opposite sex 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes, you will be entered in The One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power). Thank you and have a good life!
Almost makes me want to run out and buy a copy for myself! Then again, that could be expensive. Maybe I'll just wait for IMC to post one on his ISO page.
