1)We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks everyday. One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying... "No pets allowed," she turned to me and said: "What shall we do about the pet skunk?" I replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know." She then asked me: "What about the smell?" And I said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!" 2)A woman walks into a top floor pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter." She thinks he's a bit of a tripper, so she walks around the pub. After realising that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?" He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies. The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're such a tosser when you're pissed 3)A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened. So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day. The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack." At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?" "No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in." 4)A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?" Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob." So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out. "Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries. "Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight." 5)What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian ? You know she will swallow 6)How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out 7)What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of semen. 8)Why did the black boy cry when he had diarrhea? He thought he was melting. 9)There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently. Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!" A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa." Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma." A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa." There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes. Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!" 10)Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided that they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?" The second old man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
