Shitload of Jokes

I just posted these over at the Farm, and I thought I'd post them here, too...

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A girl came home from a date.
Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.
"Sally, " she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."
"I didn't, Mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he puked on me!"
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Terms for Female Masturbation:
Buzzing the honey hole
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Diggin' for clams
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Juicing the clam
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitorisauras
Romancing thy own
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Ticklin' the taco
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket
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A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.
He takes matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age.
After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her. After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.
"Why the jelly?" she asks him.
"So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.
"Well, why don't you just spit on your dick like the monks did?"
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A couple has been dating for three months, and the sex is getting dull.
One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."
He says, "Sure."
She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."
He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.
She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."
He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives him the wildest hump he's ever had.
The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest. Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.
As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the better the sex is. One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.
That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then pfff! -- a little fart -- but nothing of any substance.
For a few minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying. He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"
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Little Johnny was taking confession, when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked.
The priest nodded and said, "Yes Little Johnny, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."
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Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard, and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an 'R' after the first letter."
"That's right," she coaxed.
Then, after a few seconds Johnny eyes light up and he says, "Is it Mrs. Crunt?"
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Little Johnny is walking downtown when a hooker calls to him, "Blowjob, five dollars."
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking.
The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was, "Mom, what's a blowjob?"
His mom replies, "Five dollars, just like downtown!"
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THE LESSER KNOWN WORLD RECORDS
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monaghan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
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When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.
That's when I realized,
she was a retard.
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A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'."
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Algebra I Mid Term Exam -- Ebonics Version
Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand comer. Don't be axing no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes on yo own sorryass papers.
Number 1. (25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon's home be 5 mile north of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain't not departin till 11:00 zoomin bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied chicken?
Number 2. (25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as that ugly ass ho Yolanda?
Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain't not got nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?
Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls to play wif?
Extra Credit:
Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo mothafuckin work. (5 bonus points)
A.The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif.
B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the number a cuts he be putting in that no good honkey bitch Nicole afta catchin her wif a guy what ain't got no goddam mothafuckin rights be ridin roun wif OJs car?
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There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons normally, throws them into her closet.
One day, she is entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii.
On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and finally opens the closet door, expecting the worse.
But her lover is in fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!"

 

That's good stuff.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

huh

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote

LMFAO!!!

 

thats some funny shit

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Sexy Bitch
Punk-Ass Bitch
Member # 2677<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Oh jesus-not ANOTHER!
Let's see...I'monesexXybitch,supersexybitch,butchsexy,bitchbitchsexee,sexysosexy.....

[ September 07, 2002: Message edited by: Nursey ]

 

do you have a problem with people who know they are sexy? just because you aren't doesn't mean you have to try to make yourself feel a little better by saying remarks just because you have no self esteem!

 

oh Nursey is plenty sexy. im not even a lesbian and its easy for me to see that. i think she's just intelligent enough to know that it's only one of her many endearing qualities, and she doesnt need to add sexybitchyfucky to her name to boost her level of esteem like some losers here who have to hide their buttery fingers and sagging breasts behind a computer screen only to dream up attractive online personas to feel accepted by strangers on the internet. perhaps Miss Nursey would agree with me.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rattila the hun:
oh Nursey is plenty sexy. im not even a lesbian and its easy for me to see that. i think she's just intelligent enough to know that it's only one of her many endearing qualities, and she doesnt need to add sexybitchyfucky to her name to boost her level of esteem like some losers here who have to hide their buttery fingers and sagging breasts behind a computer screen only to dream up attractive online personas to feel accepted by strangers on the internet. perhaps Miss Nursey would agree with me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Why thankyou Rattila...and you know,i couldn't agree more!!!
I thought i'd help our new moronic cunt friend out with a few links:
supersexybitch
ImOneSexXyBitch
SECKSI BIATCH
*claps*

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rattila the hun:
oh Nursey is plenty sexy. im not even a lesbian and its easy for me to see that. i think she's just intelligent enough to know that it's only one of her many endearing qualities, and she doesnt need to add sexybitchyfucky to her name to boost her level of esteem like some losers here who have to hide their buttery fingers and sagging breasts behind a computer screen only to dream up attractive online personas to feel accepted by strangers on the internet. perhaps Miss Nursey would agree with me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

actually guys i'm not one of those ppl who think they are totally hot i know i have good qualities and that looking good is just one of them i don't have sagging breasts or buttery fingers but i know i am not the hottest one out there i simply used to have bitch across my phones screen and then my friends started adding my phone # into their phones as "sexy Bitch" so i just sort of adopted it. As for what i said to you nursey it was said as a defense as to what you said. i am not mean and malicious and would hope we could put this behind us.

 

shut yup uyou dumb canadian whore... Kill yourself for my birthday, please

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by IMC hates you:
shut yup uyou dumb canadian whore... Kill yourself for my birthday, please<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
"shut yup uyou" and you are calling me dumb? hmmm take a look at yourself before you say stuff about others.

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Inane,smug comment by I Now Admit I'm Not A Sexy Bitch:

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nursey:
Shut the fuck yup uyou fatuous waste of deoxyribonucleic acid and KILL YOURSELF FOR IMC'S BIRTHDAY,you mousey,braindead cunt. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


can we talk about endoplasmic recticulum?

 

im afraid of canadians.

 

Jesus loves you he died for your sins.

 

do you think Jesus gets pissed off at mexicans mispronouncing his name as "hey-zues"?

 

ya kno - i cant believe how a post telling a few jokes can turn into an all out online cat fight... i must say, i'm amused. thank u! haha

 

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="verdana">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MiSs CoNcEpTiOnZ:
ya kno - i cant believe how a post telling a few jokes can turn into an all out online cat fight... i must say, i'm amused. thank u! haha <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

i have seen that in a few joke postings i guess thats what you get in this site. I think its all in good fun and hope no one takes anything seriously.

 

no really, I would be much happier if you would kill yourself... no joke