But if your bored it's something to read A trucker driving down a highway one night was feeling horny when he noticed a sign on the side of the road that said: "Modern Whorehouse, next right". Intrigued, he turned at the next right and a bit down the road saw a brightly lit building with a sign saying: "Modern Whorehouse, Open 24 Hrs.". After parking his rig, he approaches the building's front door where he sees a sign saying: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $5 in slot below to enter". He shoves a $5 bill in the slot which swings open revealing a bare room with another door at the opposite wall. Approaching this door, he sees another sign on it that says: "This is a modern Whorehouse, insert $50 in slot below for the screwing of your lifetime". Highly aroused, he shoves a $50 bill into the slot and rushes through the door as it opens and then shuts behind him. In bewilderment, he finds himself outside in back of the building. Turning around, he notices a sign on the outside of the door proclaiming: "This is a modern Whorehouse, you have just been screwed!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three boys who were all late for school. The first boy came into class, and the teacher asked him where he was. The first boy said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." The second boy came into class and the teacher asked him where he was he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill." When the third boy came into class, the teacher asked him where he was and he said, "On top of Strawberry Hill" All of a sudden a new girl came into the classroom. The teacher asked what her name was and she said, "My name is Strawberry Hill." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was on holiday in Spain, went to a local restaurant. There he saw a man eating two big balls and he asked the waiter what that was. The waiter replied that those were the balls of a bull who lost in a bullfight and it was a custom to eat the balls. The man said he also wanted balls of a bull, but the waiter told him there weren't any left and that he had to come back tomorrow. So the next day the man went back to the restaurant and he asked for the two balls and so he got two little balls. The man says to the waiter that the other guy yesterday got two big balls and he asked why he got two little balls. "Well," replies the waiter, "it's not always the bull who loses." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a lady who goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up." "No," the woman replies, "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want," exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!," the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers. "Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God Damn liar!!! You went bowling again huh?!?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was Sunday and God had finally finished creating the world. He stopped by Adam and Eve and said "Well, I have two treats left in my creation book, the first is the ability to stand up and pee, who wants it?" Adam went nuts, he demanded that God give him the ability to stand up and pee. God thought about it for a while and agreed to give Adam the ability to stand up and pee, then he turned to Eve and said, "Sorry Eve, all I have left is multiple orgasms." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a guy who loved his girlfriend so much he decided to have her name tattooed to his dick. It said "WY" when it was soft, and "Wendy" when he was hard. A few months later the couple get married. For their honeymoon they decided to go to an island resort. While there, they decided to go to a nude beach. When he was there on the beach, he saw a local man with the letters "Wy" on his dick too, so the tourist went up to the native and asked, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy too?" The man says with a thick Island accent, "No.. mine says, 'Welcome To The Island, Have A Nice Day'." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, the allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, " Golly, the gals really got it made....." Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies room aboard a plane." The nurse replied "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dumb Blond Jokes Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: Why is it good to have a blond passenger? A: You can park in the handicap zone. Q: Why is a blond like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back. Q: What did the blond think of the new computer? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jell-O? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: What do you call a blond with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. Q: What important question does a blond ask her mate before having sex? A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't I need you to whip it out by 5:00! Mind if I use your laptop? Put this in my box before you leave. I want it on my desk now! Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid. My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish! It's an entry level position. When do you think you'll be getting off today? It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth." "Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was this overweight man who desperately searched for the perfect diet. He searched and one day, found a real tempting ad in the news-paper. It simply stated that the company guaranteed desired weight loss or $1,000.00 back. So he decided to give it a try. The first day, the weight loss center stuck him in a room with two beautiful blondes buttock naked. They were displaying a sign that read, "Catch me and I am yours for whatever". Well, he tried and after much running, he had lost 20 pounds. Next time, he was placed in the same room, with 3 lovely gals - 2 blondes and a gorgeous red-head. Same thing, they all had signs on stating if they were caught, he could do whatever. Again, he tried but didn't catch them. But, he did lose another 15 pounds. Next week, he was placed in another room with a beautiful spanish gal and she had a sign on that stated- Catch me and I will do you forever. Well, he tried but failed. He lost 10 pounds in the process. Well again, he left empty handed. The final and 4th week, he only had to lose five more pounds to meet his goal. He had nothing to lose. So, they stuck him in a room and locked the door. Low and behold, there was a 600 pound ugly fat-lady with a sign on her that read, "IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three guys driving down the highway. A cop pulls them over and says, "I don't want to give you a ticket so if all your dicks add up to 21 inches I'll let you go." The first guy whips his dick out and it's 10 inches. The second guy takes his out and it's 10 inches too. The cop says all you need is one more inch. So the third guy takes his out and it's one inch. Cop says, "Well a deal is a deal, I'll let you go." Later the the two 10 inch guys look at the one inch guy and asked surprised, one inch? The guy replies, "Yeah I had a boner."
