Twitter thread

I'm out of pumpkin pie and that makes me nervous.

 

I just daydreamed about the girl who made my coffee this AM. I just rubbed one out in the bathroom thinking about her

 

my nose is still making a noise... it actually sounds like a distant cat meeow.

 

I'm watching the Golden Girls on the Hallmark channel. I should call my gay friend. I know he's watching it too.

 

I just got home from playing in a golf tournament and I think I may have drank too many beers, which of course is impossible, because there is no such thing as 'too many beers'. My girl cat is cleaning her paws and my boy cat is probably breaking something.

I think I need to shit, but my belt may be too tight, so I will wait.

 

My flaps are greasy.

 

our lovable but retarded cat just got on the school bus with my son. She walks down with him every morning to the bus stop, but normally runs home when bus gets near... guess she is no longer afraid of it. She ran on and ran off 45 seconds later... by the time my fat ass ran there she was already off the bus. The bus driver yelled at me all mean. "Dont let this happen again" .... he just made my SHIT LIST.

 

I shaved today, I now have a handlebar mustache.

 

be careful... every time I see guy with a handlebar mustache, a penis is plunging into his mouth. I guess they seek out the handlebar and jump right in- that is my theory ..........or maybe only fags have handlebar mustaches...

I dont know,

try not to yawn

 

Nexxus Flexible Hold hairspray smells like piss. Now my hair smells like piss.

 

It's not gay if you're not gay.



Bout to take a dump.

 

Goin to work!

 

I'm sleepy at work and Glass Tiger's, "Don't Forget Me (When I'm Gone)" was playing and now it's Stevie Nicks "Gypsy". I'm singing along to stay awake.

 

I just squeezed my fat ass into some jeans I have not worn in long time... still a little snug, I think if I take a big dump they will fit great...like a 6 pound dump. anyway- next week they will fit. I hope Sams has those clementine orange things,,, if I eat those for a few days, shit my brains out, they will fit... but I will have burning buthole

 

I just ate Pizza Hut and feel like a bloated fatty. It was good though. I haven't ate it in years. I pigged out today on pizza and french fries and slurpie. I'll probably be sick as hell tomorrow.

 

Nothing on tv. My stomach hurts.

 

Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.

 

my retarded cat was locked in the car from like 9pm-1pm. now my car smells like cat shit and pee. out of all the places to poop and pee... she picked a shopping bag with a new shirt in it. I am kinda not upset, I only bought it because it was 4$ ...but it did make my boobs look perky - oh well

 

My boobs hurt, I feel like to my stomach and kill-everyone mean. I hate being a woman sometimes. I have a feeling this is going to be a bad one.

 

Is it time for our period again? I am hurting, but was not sure if that was why (read your pm)