Bath and Body Works salespeople.... WTF is wrong with these kids? They were badgering me today asking me if I wanted to touch their lamb blanket and then kept talking about sales that were on signs right in front of my face. They were everywhere and persistant as hell. My anxiety level shot through the roof in that place. It was loud and bright with tons of people and crap being sprayed in the air and smeared on bodies all over the place. Then I go to Victoria's Secret and it's not much better. I swear, you have to pass some sort of voice test to work at that place. If you don't talk like Mickey Mouse, you won't get hired. And all of the pink in there made me feel seizurey. I got all freaked out at Kroger (after three trips this week and going out of state, I finally got my pumpkin pie) because someone was taken out of there in an ambulance and I keep thinking that it's some airborne sickness and in 14 hours everyone who was in that store will be dead. I half afraid to eat my pie because I feel like it's tainted. I should really write horror scripts. My mind is a constant screenplay. And the roads were terrible. I saw three accidents and we rear ended someone. Luckily, it didn't do any damage so it was just a weird way to meet the people driving the car in front of us. Next year, I am doing gift cards.
What better way to say, "I put a lot of thought into your gift... Here ya go..." A little. 7 PM here, too, and I'm bushed...
I just got home from the mall.. I hate X mas shopping. Every year something bad happens to me. Macy's had almost all clothes 50% off. I got myself a few shirts, fancy socks and a new lipstick. Went to Chick-fil-A... I like to get a sweet tea mixed with lemon aide... but this kid looked like he could not handle that request -HALF TEA-HALF LEMON AIDE - how fucking hard is that!!! Last year while X mas shopping - I was shit on...really. So I guess this was much better experience. Im giving all the teen nephews/niece and my brother Gas gift cards... my son's gifts are done- thanks to Craigslist, I give my mom money (cause she is a broke ass pill head) So I only need to shop for my sister. The baby has a million toys but prefers to play with anything that is not a toy. He was amazed and delighted for 2 hours playing with an empty sprite bottle and an empty paper towel roll. Could care less for all the fancy light up / music / dancing toys. Tomorrow I want to go by this T-shirt cart I saw today at the mall ...and have my pic taken and printed on shirts (making a crazy-dorky smiling face) ... and have -- I LOVE MY AUNT RHONDA!!! printed on it. wrap it up real pretty and give to the teens... They know I give big $$ gifts- and will be expecting cash or gifts cards, and I just want them to think WTF... then a few hours later give them the gift cards. On my way home I started thinking about how stupid shirts are cool in the teen punk/skater world ... and what if it became a skater fad... and everyone wanted one. naaa but it would be funny.
Did you get paid this time??? Seriously - how does one go about being shat upon during Xmas shopping? Were you using that term metaphorically?
I was in the bathroom... someone came into the stall next to me...spayed shit all over the floor, all over my pants that at my feet, my shoes, my shopping bags. I mean this was not a normal diareahha spray- this was abnormal amount... I would guess maybe gallon. And none of it hit the toilet... and the bitch never said anything... I was pregnant at the time and had to pay a mall employee to run and buy me another pair of pregger pants from the maternity store- on the other side of the mall. ...during X mas time in a packed mall, ... I was stuck in the stall forever waiting, with no pants/underwear on... I had the janitor throw the shit sprayed ones away as soon as she got there- I did not want to be stuck smelling someone else shit. And I did not wear any panties that day- I cant remember how long I was stuck there, half naked ...but it seemed like FOREVER. Also the little mexican cleaning lady saw me bottomless, while cleaning the shit up... I was big fat and had a huge pregnant belly. I think I was like 7 months pregnant- but looked like I was 9 months along with twins. Not a proud moment- and those were my favorite pregnant pants too. I also thew the shoes away in the parking lot... and drove home barefoot. I had rinsed them but still- yuk oh- and the pants the chick bought me, were ugly and did not match anything else I had on, so I also had to walk through the mall, wearing ugly pants....and I was worried because I had no panties on,,, that what if another pregnant chick with a funky crusty cooter - tried those pants on- with no panties on... so Im walking funny, trying to keep the crotch of the pants away from my cooter. I pulled them down to my knees in the car.
Fucking shit... What kind of malls do you shop in, anyway? Does your state allow concealed carry? This is almost as bad as that "Ryan's Steakhouse" text that's been forwarded around the past ten years...
What Ryan's Text... never seen it? I forgot to mention - the ugly pants, were way to small..and short ( I am pretty tall) . So I was wearing tight ugly non matching pants- that were showing off my ankles. And I was worried that the waist band, was denting the baby... and would look like the kid from the movie Mask... that on top of my ongoing fear that it was going to have that weird hairy person syndrome.... and the fear of catching a case of the creeping crusty cooter crud from the pants.... and the fear of running into someone I know, while I am waddling my fat ass as fast I can to my car... I think I lost a shopping bag as well.. I dunno- thankfully many of the details of that day have been lost.
I googled it, and typically, the story is full of typos... I haven't read through this one, but I imagine the same:
OMG I never read that before... that was great. I loved the fact that he was wearing elastic ankle sweat pants. when I puke , I shit simultaneously 95% of the time - this is kinda gross but oh well... many years ago- before kids and being an adult... I was at a titty bar with some friends. That night was first time drinking Gold Shlogger (sp) .. before going there , we ate at a mexican place...and the food was taking forever...I pretty much filled up on chips/salsa/cheese dip. We stayed till the bar closed, I had many shots, and when we walked outside, I felt that hot ear/queezy gonna puke in about 2 minutes feeling...I also knew I had tummy rumblings and would shit at the same time... I was midway in the parking lot, and they locked the door behind us, so I speed walked behind this old pickup truck that was backed up to a wall. While walking fast and drunk I ripped my panties at each hip and threw them... (was wearing a short dress) got behind the truck held onto the trailer hitch ball thingy and proceeded to have a loud double evacuation of majestic proportions ... my friends all laughing. I knew they were drunk...and it was a funny sight... but they were laughing VERY hard. Turns out the old pick up truck was running and someone was in it, I never noticed it was running- and it was loud (guess I had club ear- from loud music and people yelling in it all night) They pulled away, and I am squating there with puke and shit everywhere. and nothing to clean up with, only thing we could find was the skimpy panties I had thrown in the nasty parking lot. So I used those, and my friend took off his socks and I used those. We decided that we were all too drunk to drive- plus had a shity assed passenger, so called a cab. It was a mini van cab, and everyone argued who would sit next to me. The cab driver said "what is wrong with you guys, none of you want to sit next to this beautiful girl" and he offered me to sit up front with him... and I was drunk and cold, and just wanted to get home. The driver then asked if I was hooker ( I guess cause of my dress and being with 4 guys- and drunk) we all just laughed, He then offered $50 for me. WTF cheap ass Pakistanie ass hole - thats the going rate for a 45 year old crack head on the street. I was a 21 year old, hot piece of ass back then... when I got up once we were at my friends house, I saw that there was shit on the seat- and was GLAD... pffft $50 BTW --- Salsa and Gold Schlogger really sucks coming back up... that was the most painful puke I ever had.
DAMMIT - we turned this into another "shit" thread.... back to shopping- we have enough shit threads here, thanks to me and Nauseous. Bath and Body Works... yeah those bitches are like that here. They all have sweet little girl voices, and sound like babies... I call it the "molested as a child" voice. I use the room sprays and oils for the burner thing... I stopped using the lotion because it is bad for your skin. Any lotion that has alcohol ... sucks. And that is one of the first ingredients listed on their lotion. They may smell nice, but it is crap.
That was (if you'll excuse the pun) - some real funny shit... :biggrin: I've never heard of lotion with alcohol in it - seems that would defeat the whole purpose, wouldn't it?
ok.. I have a new bottle of Bath Works lotion right here, I bought a few to give as Xmas gifts at an outlet when I was in TN ... tons of ingredients... The first few..Water, Glycerin, Petrolatum, Cetyl Alcohol, Ceteary Alcohol, ... and shit load of of other crap I could never pronounce - or heard of. I used it all the time for years, I liked the place because of all the smells... but if you ever try a good lotion, you would never go back there.... I just put some on, to see if the quality has changed since last time...NOPE. and I swear - it does not moisturize your skin at all... smells good, thats about it. When I was working - as a vet tech- I constaintly doused my hands in pure rubbing alcohol... for sanitary reasons. All those gels like Purel, and the foams at medical places- are alcohol. My hands and cuticles were so dry and crusty, and my hands looked much older then the rest of me. Since using real lotion, they are back to normal. The best stuff I ever used was some type of argan oil my husband's mother brought from Morocco. I am out of it now... and he forgot to look for some on the last visit. That stuff rocked.
It's good that you're on such good terms with his mom - I'm sure she'll be happy to find you some more, maybe with "extra moisturizer" in the bottle, too!
not on good terms... she left it by accident, We are on the worst terms ever... one when I have time I will tell the story... involves a hole lotta funny shit. Including porn, an ass cleaning, religion, my son, and a whole lotta Jerry Springer shit. --- good times I have to run to mall and do some more shopping, and make my T-shirts. I also ran out of dog food last night... I had to cook something for them this AM and mix it with cat food. I have all big dogs and had to cooked alot of junk and mixed up... 8 eggs- scrambled, Box of Mac & cheese, 1 pound of hamburger, 2 cans of wet dog food...and the last bit of cat food... (about 8 cups) they loved it - but it they are hungry still, and now I am out of cat food as well. Time to go to PetCo and flirt with the young kid that works there that has crush on me and calls me Mrs MILF. I do not like younger guys (especially those with shity jobs) - but since I will soon be single, he might be good to use for sex, and other "man choirs" and maybe a discount on the tons of food I have to buy.-...he is tall, beefy and cute, and might be fun to train. Kinda reminds me of Jake Ryan from 16 Candles ... but younger, less cool, and poor... You realize this thread went from shopping to shit, to lotion, to me possibly being a pedophile ... wtf And I am sure he is over 18 ...but not much , so I guess I'm not a child molester... I could be wrong, teens these days look much older...especially the little teen sluty girls I see at the mall. If I were a guy I would ask for ID from any young chick I talked to.
Jake Ryan... he was a good looking guy. Actually, I think he was in his 20's during the filming of Sixteen Candles. That was back when Spader was fuckable. Now he's just another unattractive old guy. I think the lotion contains alcohol for the scent. I have a ton of BBW lotion. I also have a ton of shampoos. I am a scent freak. I have at least 10 different kinds of shampoo in my shower right now and about 5 different body washes and three bar soaps. I have seven candles all within reach of my bed, along with deodorant, body sprays and more lotion in a basket under the bed. I have three different kinds of perfume in my car and I keep lotion and body spray in my purses. I didn't realize how bad this addiction is. Damn. My fave candles always smell like food. I buy anything coffee oriented, but I haven't drank coffee in almost three years. Woodwick candles are the best. I don't care for the crackling noise that much, but the scent is so strong that it will make you want to throw up and I love that. As far as lotions go, the best moisturizing lotion I have ever used actually was some really cheap Family Dollar shit. It doesn't matter where I'm at, I have to smell everything. I pinched the skin off of my finger the other day at CVS smelling some of their "walnut whip" lotion. It hurt like hell and the stuff didn't smell that great and I was pissed. Anyway, back to the lotion. I was on a lavender kick over the summer and liked the way that dollar lotion smelled and bought it. It made my skin softer than any lotion ever has. It's hard to believe but it's true. Another good lotion was Seacret. It didn't smell all that great, but it works pretty well. Why don't you get that stuff that they use in the hospital to sanitize hands? It's alcohol free, I think. It's strong as hell scent-wise and makes me want to puke in a bad way, but probably only because I associate it in a Pavlov's dog kinda way with being hospitalized. It reminds me of the bug eyed asswiper that smelled like cigarettes and also the 90 year old troll looking college student blood sucker that didn't let the alcohol dry before drawing my blood and it burned like a bitch and made me think she did more than blow my vein. I thought part of the needle broke off and was lodged in my vein. Yeah, and you talk aout ADD.
Yeah, and you think I need an intervention when it comes to guns?? OK, granted, lotions are a bit less lethal than firearms, I'll give you that... But I don't keep any of my guns in the shower.
I think you told part of it once... Something about her not approving of you, and then you grabbing the rag off her head, wiping your ass with it, and giving it back? If there's more to it - by all means, do tell. I thought that last part about the TP headdress was about as funny as it could get until you mentioned crapping & vomiting while hitched to the stranger's truck bumper in front of your friends... :biggrin:
Its a long story- with many boring parts needed to explain how it got to the funny stuff... and when I type it out - I look like the crazy person. One of those "you had to be there" deals. Lets just say things got so crazy I ended up turning on the nastiest porno I owned - and turned it up full blast. She was such a crazy cunt...I had to send my son to my X mother-in-laws house. Many things happened that August for the 23 days of her visit. I did try to be nice for like 2 weeks... then gave up and ignored her staying busy with the business...even volunteering with a rescue, so I would not be around her. One week of pure hell... and I did what I had to do to get her ass into a hotel. She hated American women before me.... I really was not the best representation of my people. So she REALLY hates them now. Kinda like if someone never met a black man before and was presented with Flavor Flave. The whole thing would have made a great movie...My best friend who I talked to everyday- and updated on all the crazy shit said I should write a book on it. Lets just say if I EVER Date another Arab- I will not meet his mom. I know this mom was over the top- even her kids say that she is not a good example of Moroccan mamas... and that she is crazy. Kinda off topic (as usual ) but every time I hear someone say "Allah" (the muslim god) .... I can't help but think of the Count from Sesame Street ... he always said "Allah peanutbutter sandwiches"
That is the solution to all this mess in the middle east.:biggrin: Sesame Street for allah.Who doesn't love Sesame Street?We just need to send PBS 24/7 to the midle east and all will be well. As far as the lotions go I think the alcohol is added so the cream dries fast and you have to keep reapplying.Got to keep the economy going you know.
