A message to the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA an thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary). 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen". 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. 6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline), roughly at $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for agame which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a World beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups - never mugs - with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. End of message.
Yes, and you're not either. You think the Russians would have stopped in Berlin had we not been there? And I dont remember any Russians on D-Day.... but then again I wasnt actually there, so think what you want.
you're right the russians werent there, and neither were 80% of the German forces, can you guess where they were? not trying to take away from your contribution to WW2 but you shouldn't be trying to add on to it either.....
I would imagine that the majority of the German populace would have been in Germany. Liike most of the American people were still in America. But you're still welcome.
Who cares? We helped win WWII, Yes our government sucks, so does the UK's Parliament, but you don't see us whining about it. Christ. People sure are whiney about shit that dosen't matter to them. sheesh, some of you whine like you are getting an American welfare check, and Dubya is trying to cut your benefits
populace? you must be trying the Joe approach.... I said forces.... 80% of which were on the eastern front... so next time you feel like making a snide remark just say "I see your're not speaking German? Thank us and the Russians".... I know it doesn't have the same ring to it... but maybe then you'll stop trying...
Hell that was mother nature. Those Germans were in such a rush to avoid Americans they scampered off into a snow blizzard. Idiots.
I guess they could thank the cold. Of course that's not near as funny. I guess I should have prefaced it with some kind of monty python reference, like the spanish inquisition, but then the humor, or is it humour?, over there is kind of dry. Like 2 week old leftover turkey.
welly well well... it seems that our 'scouse' friend 'theonlylivingboy' has returned to infect us with a bad case of jingorrhea... reopening the tired old "USvsUK" 'debate'... and.. apparently.. goading IMC into an uncharacteristic wave of his flag.. obviously the meds are doing their job, and dwaine has succumbed to the 'behavioural rectification' meme to which our friend jack lomotilian surrendered.
no mitch, I'm not "waving the flag" as you put it, I am just questioning why do people from other countries get so worked up over American politics? Our government sucks, your government sucks, who cares. Secondly, I thought you were "ignoring me" because I stabbed you in the back (whatever that means). A lot of people thought you were a useless dick, I stood up for you, boy, I feel foolish now. anyway, carry on with your hidden agenda.
people get worked up over american politics because they affect the whole world.... it would be the same way for britain if britannia still ruled the waves.. people also take an interest in the politics of other countries that will have an effect on them.. it's all global baby i didn't realise i am supposed to be ignoring you... i don't believe i've ever said so?.. unless you're talking about the wii comment.. when i was just referring to the fact we never speak on IM anymore.. and that isn't personal because i don't speak to anyone but nursey... i can't remember, either, ever accusing you of stabbing me in the back.. nor do i have a hidden agenda.. i am a useless dick tho..
