I have been fascinated with the conspiracy theories about the recent Dick Cheney hunting incident. Although I thought most of them foolish, I decided to find out if any were valid. After careful research, I have discovered some interesting facts the media either didn't learn or were too scared to report. It turns out these facts prove that conspiracy was involved in the Texas story. The first fact relates to the prey involved. I found that the birds being hunted, quail and pheasant, have strong political histories. It is no coincidence "quail" just happens to sound like the name of the first Bush vice president, Dan Quayle. And what was one of the main topics the media criticized Bush/Quayle about? They were deaf to the poor, the downtrodden. In other words, the peasants. It is no coincidence that "peasant" sounds like "pheasant." In fact, the words are only one "h" away from each other. And what is the difference between President George W. Bush and his father, George H.W. Bush? It is a single "h," although capitalized. A happenstance? I think not. Another interesting fact is that Cheney used a 20-gauge shotgun instead of the more common 12-gauge. So what? It is no coincidence that the difference between the two gauges is eight, the number of years Bush and Cheney will be in office. A happenstance? I think not. I have therefore concluded from my research that the shooting was self-defense. Here's what happened: Cheney's intelligence brief stated that birds fly as their primary means of transportation. Knowing that they had to fly to get to the ranch where the hunt was scheduled, Mr. Cheney concluded that the birds flew to the ranch. Now, "flew" sounds like "flu." That's right, the deadly Asian bird flu. The vice president, former head of Halliburton, knew that if the birds recognized him, they would attack, trying to get revenge for their name sounding like Dan Quayle's. He would then be infected. So when he saw the birds, the self-preservation reflex took over, and he started shooting anything that flew his way. His lawyer friend, however, started shooting the birds just for a meal. And in his hunger, he stepped into Cheney's arc of fire and became the victim. So Cheney protected himself, and his friend missed lunch. In conclusion, I must mention the fact that Dick Cheney ran Halliburton. It is no coincidence that the two people the company was named for, Halle Berry and Richard Burton, have ties to the vice president. Halle Berry played Catwoman in the movies. Cats, as you know, are sworn enemies of birds, both quail and pheasant. And Richard Burton was married to Elizabeth Taylor. So what? Well, Vice President Dick Cheney happens to be the only person of his generation in the United States who has not been married to Elizabeth Taylor. A happenstance? I think not. I am serious. I swear. Barry
I have to admit that I cut and pasted the piece from the Mobile Register editorial page. I just thought that it was "right on target." Barry
