...which leads me to wonder.....uhhhhh...errrr....oh god....this is just too horrible to contemplate.
*Ahem* leads me to wonder. And shouldn't you be safely tucked up in my left neuro-hemisphere, UT dear? Time to fish those meds out the pan, i fear. :?
Ulfur was clueless as to the fate of the Fugly family's only comprehensible work of art. He thought to himself, while slowly sobering up: "First, get unsobered really, really fucking quickly!" "Second, quit the modeling job." "Third, wake Schme'd sorry ass up at 4 A.M. and complain about this pesky case of writer's block...yes, that's the key." Ulfur called Schmed, and heard something to the effect of, "GODDAMMITTULFURYOUMOTHERFUCKERIFYOUWAKEMETHEFUCKUPAFTERANIGHTOFHOTASSONEMORETIMEKNEEGROW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" And then, Ulfur just hung up the phone, and moseyed on back to the monitor to discover...
...that his unusual fetish for prancing about outside shopping centres with tinkley bells attached to his balls had been photographed and posted in the forum. Feeling himself go a crimson shade of red with both anger and humiliation, Ulfur snarlingly whipped out his hunky, big cock and began to masturbate furiously onto the monitor with lips tightly pursed and a ferocious glint in his eye. As his fragrant, pampered nutsac, ( which had just been freshly waxed and dusted in sandalwood Armani jock powder that day ) tightened in order to pump the creamy, clotted cumsquirts across the screen, Ulfur had a sudden realisation which shook him to the very sphincter of his being.....
....his hands were behind his head.. and he was no longer masturbating himself!.. he opened his eyes (when had he closed them?!!) to find that the monitor he was pointing his pulsating orgasmic member towards had changed into the mouth of a chubby bald dwarf, who was contentedly rubbing his somewhat diminished loveshaft... "ARCHIE!!!" screeched Ulfur in shock.. "Almost there Schmed my sweet" sighed archie lovingly....
...Upon Archie's approaching him, his short, girthy arms reaching out for a hug, Ulfur pulls off the jingly oversuit, as it was just one of those single piece stripper-type outfits, revealing his HitlerJungend uniform underneath... "Idiot, you walked right into a trap.....Alright you little midget piece of Judenscheisse, time to concentrate!" Upon which, he lets loose Rojo, with its balls reattatched, which immediately clamps its jaws in Archie's little shiny cranium and before Archie even has a moment to scream, he convulses due to his brain being punctured by Rojo's teeth....and as Archie collapses, the dog drags his newly dead carcass into the oven, which, incidentally also takes Rojo as well. As Pimp and Nursey stand there awestruck, even they knew secretly all along where Ulfur's allegiances lie, the three of them have a group hug... ...Upon which Ulfur asks, "So, guys, what else have I missed?"
"Fuck me, where do we start?" asked Pimp, casting a glance in Nursey's direction. "Ummm..." pondered Nursey, uncharacteristically lost for words. "How about you start with ME!!??" boomed Chester, riding in through the open doorway on a circus unicycle, wearing gold lame shorts and a chest wig. "I came, I posted a lot, I went away again, and now I'm ba-ack!" But before Ulfur could respond with his usual bile and vitriol, before Pimp could cast aspersions on Chester's character (or at least his shorts), before even Nursey could whip up a unicycle anal insertion gif, a truly awful thing happened ...
Ulfur realised that he had just been suffering a vivid hallucination as a result of the severe trauma of all that was happening, and that the shiney little head which just a moment ago had been partially caved in was now happily bobbing up and down on the end of Ulfur's dick. Ulfur moaned resignedly as it dawned on him that the deed had been done, and softly trembled as the last tingley squirts of nobgob were avidly sucked from the chubby, short protuberance that now represented his manhood. Archie suckled and squeezed until he was fully satisfied he had cherished every last drop of his masters precious gift, then slowly looked up with a look of utter adoration and ecstatic delight at the glorious success of his mission.... Meanwhile, over at Ulfur's luxury penthouse pad, Schmed, who had just been on the verge of experiencing his very first non-solitary sexual release, rudely awoke ( when had he been asleep!?! ) to find the target of his firey, youthful emissions was no longer the friendly, wide eyed, encouraging face of the dynamic little fellow who had always been a tender, reassuring mother figure to Schmed, but the horrifying image of Ulfur indulging his demented perversions on a computer screen! And his cock! When had he ever possessed such an almighty gladiator of a man peepee!!?! Archie squinted slightly. The look on 'master Schmedly's' face did not reflect back the same jubilant squirmy deliciousness he felt at this most auspicious of occasions! "Shweddy!? Peepee is feeling ok!?" But Ulfur with a murderous glint in his eyes bellowed and lunged forwards attempting to throttle his neck, only to have the greasy little fellow slip from his grasp, fall to the floor and go rolly-poley-ing away at a very fast rate. Poor little Archie had never seen 'Schweddy' like this before, and he scuttled back down into the little hole in the cupboard under the stairs which led down to the network of tunnels that would take him all the way back to Oompa Loompa land, from whence he had originally came. Back at Ulfur's, Schmed, who had got over the ordeal of seeing Ulfur in such shamefully cumpromising attire, and the perplexing circumstances which had brought him here, was now stroking and thrusting his almighty new weapon, wielding it like a mighty sabre whose power he had not yet fully tamed. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and before he could answer it, in cycled Chester Grape who seemed to be speaking in strange riddles...'sucky sucky five dolla'....'got time for quick shine - you like oh yeahhh'. What on earth did it mean!?!!
Dubya contemplated this question, his mind raced with answers that seemed so simple in entirety but upon disection, in their hydra-like anomaly, raised more questions than answers. His mind focussed sharply on the one thing he was certain of. His pee pee had just done another involuntary mictuation, thus his train of thought was derailed whilst he watched joyless, as the acrid bloom of processed ribena did their best to ruin his stay-prest slacks. And then clarity, a sweetness of thought undistilled by verbal pollution, for he asked the question evrybody had been afraid to ask...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?" He once more surveyed the scene: Chester in a state of near undress, lubricated unicycle saddle three-quarters way inside his arse; Nursey selling her moth-eaten snatch for loose change on the street below; Pimp, well, pimping her; Ulfer still searching vainly for any sign of the dwarf (to whom he'd suddenly though unsurprisingly become attached); Schmed moaning madly and caressing his monitor ... It was horrific, it was disgusting, and once again Dubya felt that all-too-familiar stirring beneath his badly buttoned 501s.
How could it all have turned out this way? Is this all GAHD gets in return for sacrificing his only son ~Jesus~ on a cross all those years ago? Where was GAHD anyway? At that point, he could not stand any more, and it became apparent that it was time to unleash the porky great truncheon that hung between his legs and set off to patrol his beat. As he strolled out onto the street, something peculiar caught his attention. As he looked over to where Nursey was attempting to peddle her goods, some crappy word game:| *glares fondly at Chester* that looked as if it had seen better days, he was struck by the sight of a peculiar gnarled little creature the likes of which he had never seen before, that danced and did little tricks in time to the jaunty yet slightly haunting kazoo melodies being played by Pimp. "Ello, ello, ello! What's all this 'ere then ?" started Dubya, but before he had a chance to investigate further, and perhaps alert the real police, the shrewd and agile little beast hobbled over, and, holding Dubya in a fixed gaze, began to chant a rhythmic, soporific ditty, lulling Dubya into a hazy, 'other-worldly' dreamlike state. Then, the wizened and by now moderately aroused mini-mystic commenced undressing P.C. Dubchubs while the kazoo music intensified into a shrill, and tempestuous shriek...
