Should an affair be disclosed to a spouse?

Marriage Counseling Question -

Husband or Wife cheats. Ends the affair. Wants to stay married.

Should they ever tell?

 

the true strength of respect and love is trust. No trust is built on lies, well except for co dependant/enabaler relationships

 

Ignorance is bliss. I had a relative confess about an affair that had been years prior. The wife went off the deep end. Last I heard, they went the swinger route for a while then she left him and the kids for a 20-something year old crack dealer. If the guilt had been gnawing at his innards, maybe that was his penance. Nothing good came of that honesty.

 

Yeah, I'm with you Maj. People only confess that kind of thing to make themselves feel better. It's not for the good of their spouse.

I think if you cheat, regret it, and want to continue your marriage, your penance should be the gnawing guilt you feel about your fling, for the rest of your life.

 

I think the professing of cheating may also been seen as a way out as well. If something is so bad that you cheat, then you probably want out anyway. Just using the affair as a reason out, or a way out. Most spouses wouldnt stay with a cheating spouse, so the cheater if professing, is looking to get out. Thats what I think. The profession has no benefit in the relationship if they want to stay together.

 

I think most marriages are not what a true marriage is supposed to be. It is more of a convenient partnership, a roommate to split expenses and spend time with but the added bonus of sex. In this case don't tell if it will screw up a good thing. Do tell if you really want to end it. On the other hand in a case of true love I do not think there would be the hanky panky going on in the first place.

 

I agree with you 100% joe. If it was like it was 'supposed' to be then there wouldnt need to be the hanky panky. Of course when it is a convenience marriage then neither partner really cares about the other.

 

I been meaning to ask you about the special Ferine ass pic. Did you happen to ask your ole lady to dye her hair Ferine red? -or- Is that ...... ah never mind couldn't be.

 

Ferine sent me that, she said she wanted to prove she had a ghetto booty. I like the knees together action.......

 

I can't believe that a few of you actually ansered this question seriously. (Thanks)

The reason I ask is this - the professional community is pretty evenly split on the issue. I was hoping for a few insights from the non counselor crowd.

4 to 4 so far....still split.


Barry

 

I answered, if any of you know me you can guess my answer...fags.

 

Good thoughts, Good words, Good Actions.

If what you say only serves to harm your loved ones, it's not worth saying.

The problem I find with most people, is that can't seperate out what they love, and is worth protecting, and what they deisre and wish to indulge in.

 

You know that is very well stated. Sometimes people want so much, they actually believe it is a need. Or they want it till it is a need.

 

Your last statement is probably the most accurate thing i've ever read about relationships Checkmate.
I don't agree with you about not saying anything though. The act itself and the dishonesty that follows is more harmful than anything one person could say. I don't know statistics, but any person i've ever known to cheat has gotten caught. I think the healing within the relationship would have been quicker and easier to begin had the confession came from the spouse than say a neighbor, a friend, a family member, etc...

 

You're right. It couldn't and wouldn't.

 

Trust is the currency of humanity, to damage that within a relationship, is to tear at the fabric of the relationship itself.

This whole thread reminds me of the scorpion and the frog story:

Scorpion and the Frog:

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

 

I think they'd rather you kept your prick out of other frogs' backs.

 

I cannot deny my nature, no matter how hard I try.

 

What seperates humans from animals is our ability to exercise our will to override our instinctual urges. Animals are bound by their nature, humans are not.

 

And opposable thumbs. Wrap yours around your wang if you feel the need to empty it.