Should an affair be disclosed to a spouse?

[ucicare]

Marriage Counseling Question -

Husband or Wife cheats. Ends the affair. Wants to stay married.

Should they ever tell?

[Dwaine Scum]

the true strength of respect and love is trust. No trust is built on lies, well except for co dependant/enabaler relationships

[MAJ Havoc]

Ignorance is bliss. I had a relative confess about an affair that had been years prior. The wife went off the deep end. Last I heard, they went the swinger route for a while then she left him and the kids for a 20-something year old crack dealer. If the guilt had been gnawing at his innards, maybe that was his penance. Nothing good came of that honesty.

[chester grape]

Yeah, I'm with you Maj. People only confess that kind of thing to make themselves feel better. It's not for the good of their spouse.

I think if you cheat, regret it, and want to continue your marriage, your penance should be the gnawing guilt you feel about your fling, for the rest of your life.

[phatboy]

I think the professing of cheating may also been seen as a way out as well. If something is so bad that you cheat, then you probably want out anyway. Just using the affair as a reason out, or a way out. Most spouses wouldnt stay with a cheating spouse, so the cheater if professing, is looking to get out. Thats what I think. The profession has no benefit in the relationship if they want to stay together.

[Joeslogic]

I think most marriages are not what a true marriage is supposed to be. It is more of a convenient partnership, a roommate to split expenses and spend time with but the added bonus of sex. In this case don't tell if it will screw up a good thing. Do tell if you really want to end it. On the other hand in a case of true love I do not think there would be the hanky panky going on in the first place.

[phatboy]

I agree with you 100% joe. If it was like it was 'supposed' to be then there wouldnt need to be the hanky panky. Of course when it is a convenience marriage then neither partner really cares about the other.

[Joeslogic]

I been meaning to ask you about the special Ferine ass pic. Did you happen to ask your ole lady to dye her hair Ferine red? -or- Is that ...... ah never mind couldn't be.

[phatboy]

Ferine sent me that, she said she wanted to prove she had a ghetto booty. I like the knees together action.......

[ucicare]

I can't believe that a few of you actually ansered this question seriously. (Thanks)

The reason I ask is this - the professional community is pretty evenly split on the issue. I was hoping for a few insights from the non counselor crowd.

4 to 4 so far....still split.


Barry

[Schmed]

I answered, if any of you know me you can guess my answer...fags.

[Checkmate]

Good thoughts, Good words, Good Actions.

If what you say only serves to harm your loved ones, it's not worth saying.

The problem I find with most people, is that can't seperate out what they love, and is worth protecting, and what they deisre and wish to indulge in.

[phatboy]

The problem I find with most people, is that can't seperate out what they love, and is worth protecting, and what they desire and wish to indulge in.

You know that is very well stated. Sometimes people want so much, they actually believe it is a need. Or they want it till it is a need.

[Ferine]

Good thoughts, Good words, Good Actions.

If what you say only serves to harm your loved ones, it's not worth saying.

The problem I find with most people, is that can't seperate out what they love, and is worth protecting, and what they deisre and wish to indulge in.
Your last statement is probably the most accurate thing i've ever read about relationships Checkmate.
I don't agree with you about not saying anything though. The act itself and the dishonesty that follows is more harmful than anything one person could say. I don't know statistics, but any person i've ever known to cheat has gotten caught. I think the healing within the relationship would have been quicker and easier to begin had the confession came from the spouse than say a neighbor, a friend, a family member, etc...

[Ferine]

I been meaning to ask you about the special Ferine ass pic. Did you happen to ask your ole lady to dye her hair Ferine red? -or- Is that ...... ah never mind couldn't be.
You're right. It couldn't and wouldn't.

[Checkmate]

Good thoughts, Good words, Good Actions.

If what you say only serves to harm your loved ones, it's not worth saying.

The problem I find with most people, is that can't seperate out what they love, and is worth protecting, and what they deisre and wish to indulge in.
Your last statement is probably the most accurate thing i've ever read about relationships Checkmate.
I don't agree with you about not saying anything though. The act itself and the dishonesty that follows is more harmful than anything one person could say. I don't know statistics, but any person i've ever known to cheat has gotten caught. I think the healing within the relationship would have been quicker and easier to begin had the confession came from the spouse than say a neighbor, a friend, a family member, etc...

Trust is the currency of humanity, to damage that within a relationship, is to tear at the fabric of the relationship itself.

This whole thread reminds me of the scorpion and the frog story:

Scorpion and the Frog:

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

[MAJ Havoc]

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

I think they'd rather you kept your prick out of other frogs' backs.

[Checkmate]

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

I think they'd rather you kept your prick out of other frogs' backs.

I cannot deny my nature, no matter how hard I try.

[ucicare]

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

I think they'd rather you kept your prick out of other frogs' backs.

I cannot deny my nature, no matter how hard I try.


What seperates humans from animals is our ability to exercise our will to override our instinctual urges. Animals are bound by their nature, humans are not.

[MAJ Havoc]

And opposable thumbs. Wrap yours around your wang if you feel the need to empty it.

[phatboy]

So your saying that if a dog bit you, dont be mad at the dog he is just doing what he is supposed to do?

[ucicare]

And opposable thumbs. Wrap yours around your wang if you feel the need to empty it.


Won't reach.

It takes two hands to handle a whopper you know.

[MAJ Havoc]

No, actually I don't. Vienna sausage takes but a couple of fingers.

[ucicare]

So your saying that if a dog bit you, dont be mad at the dog he is just doing what he is supposed to do?

No, I am says that if a human bit me, I have every right to be mad at the human.

What I am really saying is this - Using the "I can't control myself" line as an answer for breeding with every receptive female in a bar is a poor excuse for what is actually irresponsible behavior and a lack of impulse control.

[Checkmate]

So why do women understand so little about the nature of the men they are with? and why are they not more forgiving about our nature?

I think they'd rather you kept your prick out of other frogs' backs.

I cannot deny my nature, no matter how hard I try.


What seperates humans from animals is our ability to exercise our will to override our instinctual urges. Animals are bound by their nature, humans are not.

Security and Survival are hardwired into us, they consistently come into play when cheating occurs and infidelity is the result in a marriage. Women seek out the best hunters to ensure their children have the best chance for survival (i.e. Genetics) and why women cheat in a marriage, they build a nest, and then find the best male genetics to fill it.

The minute men stop fighting over women, and the minute men stop sizing up other men as threats when they are with women, is the day I'll belive we are any different from the rest of the animal kingdom.

[Checkmate]

Has any one here not cheated on their spouse or been close to it, or looked at someone and thought if I only had the oppourtunity...

[MAJ Havoc]

I've been monogamous for all 17 years I've been with my wife. I'm conditioned to go long periods without sex. My wife has trained me to be a sexual camel; one hump can last me a month.

[phatboy]

The minute men stop fighting over women, and the minute men stop sizing up other men as threats when they are with women, is the day I'll belive we are any different from the rest of the animal kingdom.

So by constantly hunting we are moving from one possible bad relationship to the next fast enough that we dont have to worry about becoming emotionally attached, therefore limiting the chance of ever being hurt in a relationship.

Then you wouldnt feel that other males were a threat because you would have moved on all ready. Not being attached would limit a lot of the 'insecure' feelings and end world hunger, wars, and narcism(SP?).

[Checkmate]

The minute men stop fighting over women, and the minute men stop sizing up other men as threats when they are with women, is the day I'll belive we are any different from the rest of the animal kingdom.

So by constantly hunting we are moving from one possible bad relationship to the next fast enough that we dont have to worry about becoming emotionally attached, therefore limiting the chance of ever being hurt in a relationship.

Then you wouldnt feel that other males were a threat because you would have moved on all ready. Not being attached would limit a lot of the 'insecure' feelings and end world hunger, wars, and narcism(SP?).

I am saying that we have more incommon with animals then we would like to believe. No matter how intelligent we appear, we are still after all animals.

[Checkmate]

So your saying that if a dog bit you, dont be mad at the dog he is just doing what he is supposed to do?

No, I am says that if a human bit me, I have every right to be mad at the human.

What I am really saying is this - Using the "I can't control myself" line as an answer for breeding with every receptive female in a bar is a poor excuse for what is actually irresponsible behavior and a lack of impulse control.

Maybe I am just lucky, although I have never been that lucky, usually it's just one, sometimes two. 8)

[ucicare]

Has any one here not cheated on their spouse or been close to it, or looked at someone and thought if I only had the oppourtunity...

That would be me.

Tempted, yes. Acted, No.

[phatboy]

Has any one here not cheated on their spouse or been close to it, or looked at someone and thought if I only had the oppourtunity...

That would be me.

Tempted, yes. Acted, No.

Sin is sin. Its called lusting. Its cheating in your mind.........


Right or wrong, it is done. For reasons we cant understand completely, I can think of several situations I thought were 'happy couples' and then you find out one has been running around for years, and then you are like damn, why is he fucking around, his wife is hot, of course she cusses like a sailor and is frigid, so I guess i can understand......

Or something like that.

[MAJ Havoc]

My wife doesn't cuss much. Hot and frigid, yes the ironic dichotmy.

[Joeslogic]

I say if your looking for some strange then simply buy her something, girls love that, like for instance.
http://www.clairol.com/images/brand/niceneasy/boxes/current/box_110.jpg


Then jump her bones in bed from behind and use your imagination.

[Joeslogic]

:oops:
http://www.clairol.com/images/brand/niceneasy/boxes/current/box_110.jpg
:twisted:

[MAJ Havoc]

Nice n' Easy is before you marry them. I think a wig would be less permanent.

[ucicare]

Has any one here not cheated on their spouse or been close to it, or looked at someone and thought if I only had the oppourtunity...

That would be me.

Tempted, yes. Acted, No.

Sin is sin. Its called lusting. Its cheating in your mind.........


Right or wrong, it is done. For reasons we cant understand completely, I can think of several situations I thought were 'happy couples' and then you find out one has been running around for years, and then you are like damn, why is he fucking around, his wife is hot, of course she cusses like a sailor and is frigid, so I guess i can understand......

Or something like that.

Lusting after another is SIN in the Christian doctrine. Jesus said that if you look at a woman with the idea of having her, you have actually committed Adultery.

That's great for him, but he died a virgin. I ddn't choose that road, so I feel that I'm doing pretty good just keeping it real.

I can honestly say that I have looked at women (often). I have thought seriously about another woman (rarely). But I have never felt that I would actually carry out the act with a woman if she was receptive. I have had plenty of chances, and it just is not happening.

That doesn't make me a Saint, but it damn sure keeps a good marriage going.

[MAJ Havoc]

I'm just lucky that no women want to have sex with me; the wife included. Keeps me in line not having to fight bitches off me.

A man is as faithful as his options. - Chris Rock

[ucicare]

I'm just lucky that no women want to have sex with me; the wife included. Keeps me in line not having to fight bitches off me.

A man is as faithful as his options. - Chris Rock


OK, I'm gonna fix this little dry spell for you.

First, fake a complete nervous breakdown.

Go home tonight, go to your gameroom, sit in your control chair in just you underwear. Don't answer the call to dinner. Ignore any calls. Let her find you about 2:00AM siiting in your chair staring at a video game. Be unresponsive. Wet yourself if you have to to convince her. Mumble. Drool. Pretend like you don't recgnize your kids.

If she tries to call 911, perk up a bit. Stumble to bed. Pull the covers over your head. Cry uncontrollably.

The next morning just stare at your oatmeal. Finally, insist that she call me for Counseling. Explain that we have been talking, and I am the only one you trust, etc. Act paranoid if she has other ideas for treatment. Scurry around the house, look out the windows, etc.

Come by the office, we'll have a few laughs. I'll call her later and tell her that you are right on the edge of losing it for good, due to an testosterone fed tumopr that is pressing on your brain stem. I will explain to her that the tumor gets bigger when testosterone levels rise, and shrinks when they fall. The only thing she can do to save you is to have sex with you at least three times a week.

I have a friend that will back up the diagnosis if she insists on a second opinion. I know it seems too lame to work, but she is an Alabama grad so we have a good chance of her being gullible enough to buy the story.

If that fails, here is plan B - http://www.fleshlight.com/main/index.php?

[MAJ Havoc]

My fleshlight has the mouth on it. I just wish she'd wipe that grin off her face. http://www.fleshlight.com/main/images/250x158/pink_mouth.jpg

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!!

[headee]

My fleshlight has the mouth on it. I just wish she'd wipe that grin off her face. http://www.fleshlight.com/main/images/250x158/pink_mouth.jpg

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!!

that mouth looks awfully manly.

[MAJ Havoc]

I shaved her mustache. It was a Brokeback Mountain bargain clearance

[Dwaine Scum]

what is that old therapist saying? you can't build a sound relationship on a foundation of lies?

[Dwaine Scum]

I shaved her mustache. It was a Brokeback Mountain bargain clearanceWOW I thought I had th only one. I never took mine out of the package,. it looses value

[ucicare]

My fleshlight has the mouth on it. I just wish she'd wipe that grin off her face. http://www.fleshlight.com/main/images/250x158/pink_mouth.jpg

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!!


I take it that plan A is a NO.

[Ferine]

Has any one here not cheated on their spouse or been close to it, or looked at someone and thought if I only had the oppourtunity...
I've never cheated, never would. But i'd be the first to admit, even to my fiance, if I found someone attractive. I've looked at someone and said to myself, Damn, I bet they're good, but I can honestly say i've never even contemplated cheating even when the opportunity has presented itself.

Theres been many occasions we've confessed to each other quite shamelessly that someone was bangable. Usually in casual conversation:

"The new girl started at work today." - him
"Oh yeah? How'd that work out?" - me
"Pretty good, she seems to know her shit." - him
"Cool. Is she cute?" - me
"Yeah, she's a little short, but pretty cute." - him
"Yeah? Would you hit it?" - me
"Yeah. Probably." - him
"Sweet."- me

[Samanthasez]

I think most marriages are not what a true marriage is supposed to be. It is more of a convenient partnership, a roommate to split expenses and spend time with but the added bonus of sex. In this case don't tell if it will screw up a good thing. Do tell if you really want to end it. On the other hand in a case of true love I do not think there would be the hanky panky going on in the first place.

Excellent point.

[Joeslogic]

Yeah and call me a cynic but I bet true love is a really rare thing. Like 2% range. Fidelity statistics probably fair much better just because people hold out for hope, honor, or self dignity something of that nature.

[Samanthasez]

Yeah and call me a cynic but I bet true love is a really rare thing. Like 2% range. Fidelity statistics probably fair much better just because people hold out for hope, honor, or self dignity something of that nature.

Sad, but all too true.

[chester grape]

Yeah and call me a cynic but I bet true love is a really rare thing. Like 2% range. Fidelity statistics probably fair much better just because people hold out for hope, honor, or self dignity something of that nature.

Sad, but all too true.

You guys have stupidly high standards, fuelled by notions of fairytale romance and too many re-runs of Pretty Woman.

You meet someone, you enjoy sleeping with them, you move in together and find you still like and trust one another a year later. What's that if it isn't love?

[Joeslogic]

convenient act of desperation

[ucicare]

convenient act of desperation


Good insight. :lol:

[chester grape]

At last, Joe knew, he had his perfect relationship ...

http://www.nursing.uiowa.edu/hartford/Aboutus/nurse-man.jpg